By Orit Krug  |  October 20th, 2020

Why is it so difficult to express your needs to your partner without getting emotional?

The real question is, what old trauma is getting triggered in you when it’s time for you to speak up to your partner about what you need?

When you’re finally in a healthy relationship, but you still get overly emotional when expressing your needs, there’s a good chance that you’re bringing your old trauma into the conversation.

It’s NOT your fault. This happens automatically because your nervous system instinctively protects you from getting royally hurt like you did in the past.

Even though you know in your mind that your current partner is supportive and won’t hurt you, your primitive body reacts as if expressing your needs is going to end in something dangerous or even life-threatening (I’m not being dramatic, this is how our survival system works!)

Understand what trauma is getting triggered when you express your needs to your partner.

My client Marissa used to get VERY emotional every time she expressed her needs to her partner and children.

When she told me about it in our session, she became equally as emotional even though she’d already spent years going over this in talk therapy. She cried and asked me, “Why doesn’t anyone listen to me? Why doesn’t anyone respect me?”

In those moments, I could see that her body was giving off the energy of an emotionally neglected 4 year-old. Her BODY showed that she was this little girl begging for love and attention. Talking about it in the mind was pointless for her.

Marissa’s story is that she never felt heard and seen in her childhood. No one gave her the emotional attention she needed as a young girl.

Even though that was over 40 years ago, she carried her trauma of emotional neglect into every single conversation with her partner. This caused her to ask for her needs in a very emotionally intense way with the premature expectation of being neglected, yet again.

It was a pretty vicious catch-22. When you verbally express your needs to your partner, but non-verbally say “You’re gonna disappoint me anyway,” then you’re bound to keep yourself in that victim cycle. Your partner’s going to feel pretty helpless knowing you can’t be satisfied no matter how hard they try.

Especially if your partner is a male. I hate to say it, but they tend to be “fixers” and “heros” – they want to help you feel better as soon as possible. When you’re crying or yelling as you express your needs, they automatically want to find a solution to make it better instead of HEARING the thing you’re actually asking for.

Are you subconsciously asking your partner to heal your trauma?

If expressing your needs comes with all your traumatic baggage from the past, then what you’re doing is subconsciously asking them to heal your trauma. You’re probably not doing it intentionally, but that expectation is inevitably there. I did the same to my husband when we started dating.

This creates a lose-lose situation for both of you. Your partner is not qualified to heal your trauma, and even if they were, it’s NOT their role to do that for you. That role belongs to a therapist OUTSIDE of your romantic relationship. 

If the deeper need you’re asking for is to heal your trauma, you’ll inevitably be disappointed since they can’t help you or do it for you.

Let’s say you often ask your partner to come home early from a night out with friends to help you put the kids to sleep. Do you want them to come home simply because you need help or are you also secretly testing if they’re committed to you and your family? 

If you have an ulterior motive or expectation that stems from heavy emotional baggage, your partner is going to be a lot more resistant to saying yes. 

They may be even more inclined to want more space from you and not meet your needs. Not because they don’t love you, but because you are constantly asking them to heal your emotional trauma which feels like a pretty intense task they can’t realistically achieve.

Heal your trauma to break the vicious cycle of disappointment and calmly express your needs.

If you feel like no one ever pays attention, listens, or respects you, ask yourself: Is that really true? If it is, what part do I play in making this true?

Here’s some tough love: if NO ONE listens to you, it’s a reflection of YOU just as much as the other people in your life who are disappointing you.

Maybe you’re prematurely expecting everyone to disappoint you and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Or you’re so scared to REALLY ask others to meet your needs that no one ends up meeting your needs.

You have to take ownership of this cycle for it to change.

I used to play this blame game with many people in my life too, especially my partner. It’s really hard to break the victim cycle when we’ve experienced trauma because the people who were supposed to love and protect us in the past failed to do so.

It’s hard to break the habit of not trusting people and accept healthy attention, love and care instead.

I personally know that it feels ESPECIALLY hard when you’ve already spent so much time in talk therapy or meditating to release your old trauma without experiencing any real change. 

You’re not broken or damaged goods. It’s just not possible to fully access the old trauma from the mind or talking. Trauma gets trapped in the body and needs to be released from the body. 

Until that happens, you’ll likely stay in a cycle of negative patterns no matter how much you tell yourself to stay calm as you express your needs.

Get on the right path to healing trauma from your body and nervous system.

Many people spend decades and thousands of dollars in traditional therapies trying to heal their trauma. Unfortunately, even the most popular therapies are scientifically shown to be limited in accessing trauma stored in the non-verbal brain and body.

Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal from the physical body or the nervous system.

This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for so many people. They often blame themselves for being “un-healable” and decide that they’re broken.

This is NOT true!

Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing from the past, because we all have wiring and neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection, to love and openness.

My unique, scientific-backed process via Dance Therapy has helped hundreds of clients finally heal from past trauma and transform their relationship (even after decades of trying in other therapies).

You can heal too, but you need the right methodology.

Sign up for my online course (ranges from free to $20 USD) to begin a unique, body-based learning experience that will teach you:

• Science-backed education about how trauma is stored in your body and nervous system. You’ll gain an understanding why it has NOT been your fault you haven’t healed yet from past trauma.
• Gentle, guided body-based movement that is necessary for integrated healing. This is crucial if you want your mind’s intentions to match your body’s behaviors in relationships.
• An embodied approach to healing that has helped hundreds of clients break unhealthy relationship patterns and let in healthy, lasting love.

Click here now to sign up!

By Orit Krug  |  November 6th, 2019

If you want to heal your trauma, you have to understand your window of tolerance.

When we’re in our window of tolerance (WOT), we’re in a very calm, cool and collected space.

In our window of tolerance, the things that usually trigger us don’t even faze us. We’re just really chill and relax. Everything is good.

You’ve probably experienced this in one of your favorite places in the world. Maybe on a white sand beach, staring at crystal clear waters on a partly sunny day with a nice breeze. Or kayaking on a very peaceful calm lake beneath the mountains.

Think back to that time where you’ve felt that totally peaceful state, because that’s when you’ve been in your window of tolerance.

Trauma makes our window of tolerance very small and hard to access.

A small window means you’ll get quickly and easily pushed out of a state of calm from the subtlest triggers. Especially triggers that remind your body and nervous system of your past trauma.

When you’re pushed OVER your window, your nervous system gets kicked up into a fight or flight response.

Alternatively, you can get pushed down into a freeze or shut down response.

To heal your trauma, you must expand your window of tolerance.

A greater WOT means that the things that used to trigger you don’t bother you anymore. You can tolerate what was once too scary to even THINK about resolving or confronting from the past.

Rewiring your nervous system and expanding your window FIRST is the only safe way to heal trauma without your body going back into survival responses as you access your trauma. Otherwise, your trauma patterns would just repeat even as you’re trying to release it.

To heal your trauma, you must expand your window of tolerance.

A greater WOT means that the things that used to trigger you don’t bother you anymore. You can tolerate what was once too scary to even THINK about resolving or confronting from the past.

Rewiring your nervous system and expanding your window FIRST is the only safe way to heal trauma without your body going back into survival responses as you access your trauma. Otherwise, your trauma patterns would just repeat even as you’re trying to release it.

Get on the right path to healing trauma from your body and nervous system.

Many people spend decades and thousands of dollars in traditional therapies trying to heal their trauma. Unfortunately, even the most popular therapies are scientifically shown to be limited in accessing trauma stored in the non-verbal brain and body.

Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal from the physical body or the nervous system.

This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for so many people. They often blame themselves for being “un-healable” and decide that they’re broken.

This is NOT true!

Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing from the past, because we all have wiring and neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection, to love and openness.

My unique, scientific-backed process via Dance Therapy has helped hundreds of clients finally heal from past trauma and transform their relationship (even after decades of trying in other therapies).

You can heal too, but you need the right methodology.

Sign up for my online course (ranges from free to $20 USD) to begin a unique, body-based learning experience that will teach you:

• Science-backed education about how trauma is stored in your body and nervous system. You’ll gain an understanding why it has NOT been your fault you haven’t healed yet from past trauma.
• Gentle, guided body-based movement that is necessary for integrated healing. This is crucial if you want your mind’s intentions to match your body’s behaviors in relationships.
• An embodied approach to healing that has helped hundreds of clients break unhealthy relationship patterns and let in healthy, lasting love.

Click here now to sign up!

By Orit Krug  |  August 20th, 2019

“If ONE more person tells me to ‘just breathe’ when I’m angry, I’m going to f^&%ng punch someone in the face!”

Does this kind of inability to control your anger sound familiar?

Maybe it’s your partner who tells you to breathe or “relax” when you get mad and it makes you even more frustrated. If it was THAT easy, you would already be doing it, right?

The strategy I’m about to share with you is a game changer. Check it out:

You can read the steps below, but I encourage you to watch the video to see how it works.

1. Control your anger by visualizing it

Visualize your anger moving down your body as you feel your emotions bubbling up.

To help with visualizing your anger, you can put a color and motion on the emotion. So you can visualize a red heated energy rising up in your body. Or a black, thick heavy liquid that’s expanding from the center of your body, up to your chest and throat.

It doesn’t matter what the image is as long as you use your imagination. There’s no right or wrong, so don’t think about it too much.

This initial step helps you gain control early on as you grasp an image of anger in your mind’s eye and change the direction of the emotional energy.

2. Control your anger by using your feet

Once you’ve visualized your anger moving down your body, you can FEEL that same energy moving down your legs and reaching your feet.

As you feel your anger in your feet, connect to it by walking away and out of the room where you’re having a conflict or argument.

This helps you do something physically productive with your anger AND saves you from draining a lot of energy and feeling hurt. Because when you’re unable to control your anger in an argument, you’ll probably say things you’ll later regret and the fight escalates more than necessary. Therefore, it is BEST to walk away.

Now, a lot of people will challenge me at first and say “I can’t just walk away.” And I say, “Why not?” Why can’t you just walk away? Why can’t you be in your power instead and make that choice to step away? Because it’s going to be SO much worse and WAY more stressful on your emotions, your body, and your relationship if you keep trying to yell over each other.

So use your angry heated energy from your feet to walk out of the room, into a space where you feel more safe and have a fair chance at calming down. You and your partner can always resolve your issue later, when it’ll be MUCH more productive and easy.

3. Slow down your anger and let it dissolve

Once you charge into a private space, gently slow down your pace. People will often get to this step and completely stop as they collapse onto a bed (freeze) or ramp up their energy by throwing things or yelling into a pillow (fight) to “release” their anger.

Going into a fight, flight, or freeze response at this step defeats the purpose of steps 1 and 2 because these impulsive nervous system reactions take over your brain and body and kick you out of control anyway.

So as you enter this new room, use your angry energy to keep walking through the room. Then, slow down your pace VERY gradually. Picture yourself driving a car and then taking your foot off the gas pedal until the car completely stops. Your body is like the vehicle that reaches zero miles per hour without ever touching the brakes.

This strategy prevents you from forcing yourself to shut off or exacerbate your very real feelings of anger in your body. With the gradual deceleration, you allow yourself to feel ALL the spaces in between, from getting to really, really angry to finally feeling calm. You don’t fake feeling calm – you allow yourself to fully move through the emotion so that you can truly dissolve it.

Uncontrollable anger usually stems from unresolved trauma trapped in the body.

You can use this anger exercise as a coping skill, which may help you stop an outburst before it happens.

However, if you are constantly irritable, frustrated, and feeling the urge to snap– then you probably have unresolved trauma lingering in your body and nervous system.

You’ll need to rewire your nervous system and release trauma from your body in order to reach a new baseline of calm and compassionate in your relationships, instead of anxious and resentful.

Get on the right path to healing trauma from your body and nervous system.

Many people spend decades and thousands of dollars in traditional therapies trying to heal their trauma. Unfortunately, even the most popular therapies are scientifically shown to be limited in accessing trauma stored in the non-verbal brain and body.

Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal from the physical body or the nervous system.

This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for so many people. They often blame themselves for being “un-healable” and decide that they’re broken.

This is NOT true!

Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing from the past, because we all have wiring and neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection, to love and openness.

My unique, scientific-backed process via Dance Therapy has helped hundreds of clients finally heal from past trauma and transform their relationship (even after decades of trying in other therapies).

You can heal too, but you need the right methodology.

Sign up for my online course (ranges from free to $20 USD) to begin a unique, body-based learning experience that will teach you:

• Science-backed education about how trauma is stored in your body and nervous system. You’ll gain an understanding why it has NOT been your fault you haven’t healed yet from past trauma.
• Gentle, guided body-based movement that is necessary for integrated healing. This is crucial if you want your mind’s intentions to match your body’s behaviors in relationships.
• An embodied approach to healing that has helped hundreds of clients break unhealthy relationship patterns and let in healthy, lasting love.

Click here now to sign up!

By Orit Krug  |  November 22nd, 2018

Let’s slow down anxious thoughts. When your thoughts are going at the speed of light and they’re just BOOM, boom, boom non-stop…

Here’s a quick movement hack to help you slow them down so you can feel more calm.

Step 1: Think about the speed of your thoughts

Think about the speed of your thoughts right now, especially if they’re going super fast right at this moment.

Even if your thoughts are more calm right now, this is still a great time to mimic how fast your thoughts are when you’re feeling super anxious.

Because when you’re calm, your nervous system is regulated, and your brain can actually process this new information and internalize this strategy in your body.

Step 2: Move the speed of your thoughts (shown in video)

Move at the speed of the thoughts when they are running and racing.

Start by walking the speed of your thoughts when they’re racing.

If you’re feeling extra adventurous, mimic the direction your thoughts are going. Maybe they’re going around in circles. Maybe they’re going back and forth like a ping-pong ball.

Step 3: Slow down your movement for slower thoughts

Whatever speed you’re walking or moving at – slow it down very gradually.

How slow can you go?!

If you played with the pattern, you can also change the pattern into a more focused and direct path to get your mind focused as well.

(If any of this confusing, it’s MUCH clearer if you watch it in the video above)

Optional Step 4: Bonus Focus

I just want to give a little disclaimer that for about half of my clients, slowing down movements helps them slow down anxious thoughts and feel more focused.

BUT, it’s common that slowing down movement actually ramps up anxious thoughts. Because the less busy we are, the more we can leave room for thinking. So if this sounds like you, I have a little trick to help with that.

When you’re walking, focus your thoughts on the actual walking and be really literal about be simple about it.

So, “I’m walking slowly. My foot is going in front of the other.” Be really specific about it: “My left foot is walking in front of my right foot now…” and “my heel touches the ground before the ball my foot does.”

It doesn’t matter the exact words you say, just describe your actions in detail so that you’re still bringing your attention to your movements and to your body. When you’re narrate the details, your thoughts will slow down and become laser-focused.

Get on the right path to healing trauma from your body and nervous system.

Many people spend decades and thousands of dollars in traditional therapies trying to heal their trauma. Unfortunately, even the most popular therapies are scientifically shown to be limited in accessing trauma stored in the non-verbal brain and body.

Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal from the physical body or the nervous system.

This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for so many people. They often blame themselves for being “un-healable” and decide that they’re broken.

This is NOT true!

Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing from the past, because we all have wiring and neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection, to love and openness.

My unique, scientific-backed process via Dance Therapy has helped hundreds of clients finally heal from past trauma and transform their relationship (even after decades of trying in other therapies).

You can heal too, but you need the right methodology.

Sign up for my online course (ranges from free to $20 USD) to begin a unique, body-based learning experience that will teach you:

• Science-backed education about how trauma is stored in your body and nervous system. You’ll gain an understanding why it has NOT been your fault you haven’t healed yet from past trauma.
• Gentle, guided body-based movement that is necessary for integrated healing. This is crucial if you want your mind’s intentions to match your body’s behaviors in relationships.
• An embodied approach to healing that has helped hundreds of clients break unhealthy relationship patterns and let in healthy, lasting love.

Click here now to sign up!