Relationship Issues Archives

Why trauma-informed couples therapy works best with dance & movement

Orit Krug — Wed, 09 Nov 2022 21:16:32 +0000

Why trauma-informed couples therapy works best with dance & movement

By Orit Krug | November 9th, 2022

Trauma-informed couples therapy typically happens through the traditional approach of talk therapy, but it’s not nearly the most effective way.

The most effective approach to heal trauma within couples therapy is through a neuroscience-backed process via Dance/Movement Therapy (DMT).

Before you click away from this page thinking, “Me? My partner? Dancing? Ha! No way.” Wait a moment and hear me out!

First of all, as counterintuitive as it sounds, DMT isn’t about dancing in the typical sense, and it certainly isn’t a dance class. In a trauma-informed couples therapy process, this process is about accessing the trauma stored in your bodies, and allowing you to safely move through it so you can release it and move beyond recurrent issues (I’ll give clear examples of what this looks like later in the post).

Second, research shows that healing trauma is most effective with embodied therapies. So even if this idea scares you, it’s most likely necessary in order to save or deepen your relationship. This is because trauma gets stored in the non-verbal parts of our brain (Amygdala & Hippocampus) and our physical bodies. These non-verbal parts cannot process verbal language. Therefore, when you try to talk out your issues in therapy, or think about how you’re going to respond differently the next time – it doesn’t create enough of an impact to effectively change unwanted patterns.

Why traditional therapy is not enough for couples who’ve experienced trauma

It’s common to attend couples talk therapy for several years and still feel stuck in the same exact spot when you started (or worse, because you’ve spent all this money and time feeling hopeless).

This is because a traditional therapy process only accesses memories in our Prefrontal Cortex (PC), which is the part of our brain that governs verbal language and logic. But the majority of your trauma memories are not housed in the PC. In fact, brain imaging and mapping research has shown that the PC goes “offline” during trauma and highly stressful events. So when you’re working through difficult conflict with your partner, even in therapy, you’re likely not even able to process and absorb new skills if it’s triggering stress or old trauma.

The infograph of the brain below may help paint a clearer picture of why traditional therapy is typically not enough for trauma-informed couples therapy to make a lasting change in relationships.

In sum, traditional therapy is likely not the correct approach for helping couples heal their trauma and improve their relationship. Unfortunately, this leads many couples to prematurely end their relationship because they believe they tried everything and yet they’re still not happy.

What exactly is Couples Dance/Movement Therapy?

There aren’t many Dance/Movement Therapists doing highly specialized trauma-informed couples therapy, but those of us who are, approach it slightly differently.

In my couples program, Deeper Love, I take clients through a 6-month neuroscience-backed process that’s been highly effective in transforming my clients’ relationships. To help you understand how it works, I’ve outlined the 4 phases I typically bring my clients through:

Phase 1: Cut Through The Bullsh*t

Whether the couple has tried to work on issues alone or with a counselor, they’ve only hit the surface of what needs to change to deepen their relationship. In Deeper Love, I guide couples to connect with each other through movement, which cuts through verbal defenses that keeps most relationships from building the deepest and most harmonious connection possible.

Within just one session, moving together immediately reveals the couple’s biggest defensive areas in a lighthearted, curious, and enjoyable way.

One minute of movement revealed how Aindrea & Rich needed to improve their communication.

Phase 2: Break Old Patterns

Once the couple’s biggest defensive areas are revealed to us, we change them through movement. Most couples spend YEARS talking about how they want to change, but they’re never able to because the body never learns a new way of behaving.

In Phase 2, I guide couples to try new movements in connection with each other that immediately shift the way they interact and connect. Every movement represents a different behavior, so if they want to become more open with each other, they can literally try that on together in movement.

By trying on new ways of behaving and expressing themselves together in session FIRST, they avoid the rollercoaster cycle of feeling like things are improving and then back to square one. This eliminates the need to keep talking about what they want to change in session and then not being able to follow through in their real word together.

Phase 3: Eliminate Fear-Based Reactions

Many couples go as far as learning new behaviors, but then fall back into the same old patterns because they’re deeply scared of true change.

In Deeper Love, my clients literally move through the fear that comes up around changing their patterns–ON THE SPOT. This means they transform old relationship habits in session before they even have a chance to do it in their day-to-day life.

Through movement, I help each partner stay present and comfortable in their body & emotions instead of impulsively disconnecting or defending.

Phase 4: Integrate Into The Relationship

Because we do this work through body and movement, my clients naturally experience huge shifts within themselves and their relationship. I also give them specific strategies to try on together during life outside of session. That way, their transformation becomes fully integrated by the time they’ve finished the program.

Examples of couples work via Dance/Movement Therapy

To paint a clearer picture of this process, I’d love to share some client stories with you.

Couple Story #1 – From Codependent To Independently Secure & Connected

In one couple’s therapy session, I guided the partners to explore physically moving further away and closer together. For both partners, in their day-to-day life, it felt detrimental when they wanted time and space away from each other. They felt guilty for wanting more independence, so they abandoned their own needs to try to match each other. This led to deep unfulfillment within themselves and hopelessness about the relationship as a whole. I wanted to test what would happen when they moved further away from each other in the safety of our session.

The result? They realized it wasn’t detrimental at all.

Because this couple had both safe and therapeutic physical experiences of moving away from each other, and realized it wasn’t as horrible as they imagined, it gave them the embodied experience that it was safe to be more independent. Plus, we explored different ways they could choose to come back together. They especially loved slowly walking back towards each other and brushing up against each other’s shoulders. Even six months after we finished working together, they told me they still do this particular movement, which makes them laugh and feel more playful together!

This one session was a reflection of their entire experience doing this work. My client said to me, as he reflected on the program: “Looking back, our conflicts weren’t really disasters. It was us looking through a screen colored by past trauma. Once we healed the way we were physically reacting to each other, it changed everything for us in a way that nothing else ever had.”

Couple Story #2 – From Dismissing Her Needs to Seeing Her & Listening Closer Than Ever Before

One of my couples came into session with a major issue that wasn’t shifting, even though they were experiencing huge shifts in other areas of their relationship. They wanted to work on the tension, conflict and disconnection that occurs when she asks him to do things around the house, and he doesn’t take action. She’d said she needs to ask him a million times and STILL he either puts it off or says, “It’s fine.”

I started the session by having each partner connect to themselves first through the body via movement. (My couples clients improve their connection to each other tenfold when they’ve connected to their own bodies first).

As they were connecting to their own selves, I prompted them to connect with each other only once they felt a connection with their own bodies. They eventually did.

Afterwards, I asked, “What helped you connect to each other?”

She mentioned that after she connected with herself, it helped her to open her eyes and make physical contact with him.

This was crucial, because when she described their pattern of asking him to do tasks, she added, “Ultimately, I want to be able to stay connected, instead of feeling like I’m a burden, forgotten, and my needs dismissed.”

Now that we knew what helped them connect to each other, they were ready to play out this pattern in movement.

“Let’s have both of you move as if you’re currently in the midst of this pattern,” I prompted.

I asked her, “How do you typically gesture, walk towards or away, or hold yourself in your body when you’re asking him to do these things? Move that.”

And for him, I said, “As you’re seeing her move this pattern, respond with one ‘out-breath’ what sensations you’re feeling in your body as they’re coming up. Then respond to that sensation by moving your body however it instinctually wants to in that moment.”

Here’s what happened: She did HUGE chaotic movements with her arms and entire body to communicate, “Hellooo! Can’t you see I’m asking something here!” To that, he said, “There’s a hollow feeling in my stomach.”

As she continued to move, she noticed that he became flat and didn’t make any further movements.

She thought, as usual, “This ISN’T WORKING! He isn’t DOING ANYTHING!”

When we paused the exercise and processed this verbally, she reflected that this is exactly how the pattern plays out in their lives. She feels like she needs to set fires to be heard and seen, and he shuts down and doesn’t do anything.

BUT, instead of their usual pattern fully playing out, she remembered that making eye contact and physically touching him helped her stay connected with him. So, instead of getting lost in frustration of things “not working,” she touched his leg. Then, suddenly, he was “back” and present. He gestured and gently verbalized “I’m here. What do you need?”

It was such a simple but powerful shift.

She connected this back to her past trauma where she felt she had to set fires to grab people’s attention. Meanwhile, what she realized in the session was that her big chaotic “LOOK AT ME!” movements made him shut down.

Instead, if she makes a simple connection with him that invites him in instead of scares him, he’s able to see her and meet her.

As a result, she said, “I feel SEEN. More than 1,000 words could.”

Now, they can both stay connected harmoniously, even during conflict. And truthfully, they don’t have so much conflict now. They can easily navigate their obstacles with playfulness and deep connection because this physical experience of truly seeing each other without trauma-tinted glasses gave them so much compassion for each other, and their own selves.

Couple Story #3 – From Shutting Each Other Out To Coming Together During Conflict

One of the major issues in this relationship was that the female partner constantly felt burdened with tasks & responsibility for the family, while the male partner seemed indifferent. She felt very alone in their relationship and in their partnership as parents. For readability purposes, let’s call this couple Rachel and Barry.

One day, Rachel & Barry came to session telling me about their recent blowout a few nights prior. Rachel had asked Barry to sign a piece of paper, to which he responded “Later.” It was one simple signature; she pushed him to just do it, and he pushed back harder.

As they were talking about the argument in session, they started getting into their typical loop. I gently interrupted and said, “This isn’t going anywhere. Let’s do some movement.”

“I’d like for you to pass an imaginary object back and forth. It can be whatever you desire it to be. A ball of energy, a piece of paper, or something metaphorical like anger.” I prompted.

“Whatever this object is, you can change it and mold it every single time you pass and receive it. You can also pass it back and forth as slowly or as quickly as you’d like. So if you feel the desire to play with this object for a while before passing it back, that’s okay too.” I added.

They agreed and went forward with the intervention.

Here’s what happened: Rachel immediately felt burdened and upset by this imaginary object, so she kept passing it back to Barry very quickly. Barry found this to be fun and was visibly smiling and playing. This made Rachel even more upset because this is exactly what happens in their real life: When Rachel approaches a serious task, she hopes Barry will respect its importance and help with it. But Barry usually doesn’t take it seriously and leaves Rachel with the burden.

When we processed this movement experience through words, Barry wasn’t showing much emotion. This made Rachel feel more upset because he wasn’t showing that he understood the magnitude of this issue. I guided Barry to tune into his body and move what he was feeling in that exact moment. This was hard for him, but he eventually identified a deep sadness and began to cry. Something Rachel has not seen in a very long time.

Barry identified that he was sad because he felt helpless and couldn’t resolve their family issues that were completely out of their control. Rachel, seeing Barry deeply feeling this, finally let go of her resentment towards him and understood that he wasn’t aloof. He was frozen by a feeling of helplessness.

This was really powerful. So much shifted in just that 5-minute movement experience. I asked them to do the exercise again with this new awareness. I sensed that their back-and-forth movements would look completely different this second time. And they did.

Here’s how they reflected on their movements the 2nd time around: “It was fun this time, it was just an object without the baggage – lighter and more playful, working together more – feels like something we can manage together.”

This led to a harmonious, full-body realization that even though they may not be able to change a certain situation, they can at least be together in their sadness instead of alone. This also helped Barry immensely, in terms of accessing his feelings instead of repressing them. This created a necessary foundation for so much more change in their relationship.

Can trauma-informed couples therapy via Dance/Movement Therapy work for you?

My unique, scientific-backed process via Dance Therapy has helped many couples finally heal from past trauma and transform their relationship (even after decades of trying in other therapies).

Neurophyisologically-speaking, they were not any more capable of healing than you & your partner are right now… but they were ready.

Therefore, the big question shouldn’t be, “Will this work for us?”

The question needs to be, “Are we ready for it?”

Because as human beings, you ARE 100% capable of healing in a way that truly lasts. But you need the right methodology, and to make sure your nervous system & body are truly ready to heal.

When you take my 5-question Self-Assessment to discover your Healing Archetype, you’ll get instant access to a personalized blueprint that’ll help you:

Assess if your brain & body are truly ready to let go of the past.
Understand the science behind why the most common methodologies aren’t enough to heal trauma.
Learn about how my methodology can help you finally let in lasting love without self-sabotage.

The post Why trauma-informed couples therapy works best with dance & movement appeared first on Orit Krug | Dance Movement Therapist.

Is this popular therapy causing more problems in your relationship?

Orit Krug — Fri, 21 Oct 2022 15:07:45 +0000

Is this popular therapy causing more problems in your relationship?

By Orit Krug | Oct 21st, 2022

You finally found a therapist to heal your past trauma, but is the therapy causing more problems with your partner today?

Talk therapy is the most popular form of therapy, yet it is this exact therapy that’s causing problems in many relationships.

You’ve been in talk therapy for years because you still have trauma from your past that blocks your ability to let in your amazing partner’s love today.

You know you’ve got to work on your issues to save your relationship, but talking about it hasn’t made you feel any better. You might even feel worse than when you started therapy.

Talking about your trauma brings up old wounds without releasing them.

At first, it felt good to be able to put words to what happened to you because no one ever validated your trauma as a child or even as an adult. Those initial aha-moments with your talk therapist brought some relief, like “I’m not messed up! I experienced trauma.”

What usually happens next is that most people return to talk therapy sessions week after week… after week. They end up talking about essentially the same things that they already addressed in the first few sessions of therapy, so they make little to no progress.

This isn’t their fault. This is the nature of talk therapy.

When you repeatedly talk about your trauma, you stir up the old memories that are stored in your body without actually releasing them.

For instance, when you rehash the details of the time your father became violently aggressive with your mom, you get closely in touch with that memory. Even though you’re not physically back there, you might start feeling your heart racing faster as if it’s about to happen all over again.

Your body reacts with physiological responses to prepare you to fight, flight, freeze, or shutdown to survive and cope in the same exact way you did with the original traumatic event.

At this point, you might even be able to talk about your past without feeling much emotion, but don’t let your mind fool you. Your trauma still gets stirred up subconsciously if you’ve only ever talked about it and have never released it from your body.

For trauma survivors, talk therapy often worsens anxiety, depression, and negative relationship patterns.

Have you often left your therapy sessions feeling more anxious or depressed for days? Do you flip out on your partner after you come home from a talk session?

Here’s why – you’ve stirred up all this emotional charge from the past and your body responds in 1 of 3 ways:

Depression: your body pushes all these old emotions and memories back down into your body, creating the heaviness and numbness that is common with depression.
Anxiety: your body buzzes with the old feelings that have just been brought back to the surface, but you have no idea how to release them. This is the uncomfortable charge and energy which we identify as anxiety.
Negative relationship patterns: your nervous system is so desperate to find release that you end up yelling at your partner or your kids, driving a deeper wedge between you and them. It feels like relief for a minute, but you end up regretting it because they didn’t deserve it. This may lead back to pushing it down again and further depression.

You may have also experienced these effects after other therapeutic modalities beyond talk therapy, such as EMDR, energy healings, hypnotherapy, and anything else that gets you in touch with the old trauma without successfully rewiring your nervous system and releasing it.

If you’re able to connect your past trauma to all the ways you’re sabotaging your relationship today, then you’re ready for a change.

You already know everything you need to know in your mind. Talking about it further won’t create a shift until your nervous system and body release the old trauma, so you can follow through with the new, healthier behaviors that your mind wants you to do.

You can spend another 5-10 years in couples counseling talking about how you want to stay calm during an argument, or you can actually create a change by connecting to your body to release the trauma from your nervous system.

When you successfully release the trauma from your BODY, you can rewire the charge that’s currently hijacking your body into a survival response at the first sign of conflict with your partner. You can choose to respond with calmness, openness, and assertiveness instead.

Get on the right path to healing trauma from your body and nervous system.

Many people spend decades and thousands of dollars in traditional therapies trying to heal their trauma. Unfortunately, even the most popular therapies are scientifically shown to be limited in accessing trauma stored in the non-verbal brain and body.

Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal from the physical body or the nervous system.

This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for so many people. They often blame themselves for being “un-healable” and decide that they’re broken.

This is NOT true!

Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing in a way that truly lasts, because we all have wiring and neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection, to love and openness.

My unique, scientific-backed process via Dance Therapy has helped hundreds of clients finally heal from past trauma and transform their relationship (even after decades of trying in other therapies).

You can heal too, but you need the right methodology.

Sign up for my online course (ranges from free to $20 USD) to begin a unique, body-based learning experience that will teach you:

Science-backed education about how trauma is stored in your body and nervous system. You’ll gain an understanding why it has NOT been your fault you haven’t healed yet from past trauma.
Gentle, guided body-based movement that is necessary for integrated healing. This is crucial if you want your mind’s intentions to match your body’s behaviors in relationships.
An embodied approach to healing that has helped hundreds of clients break unhealthy relationship patterns and let in healthy, lasting love.

Click here to sign up now!

The post Is this popular therapy causing more problems in your relationship? appeared first on Orit Krug | Dance Movement Therapist.

Where your fear of rejection in relationships is coming from

Orit Krug — Fri, 24 Sep 2021 10:00:18 +0000

Where your fear of rejection in relationships is coming from

By Orit Krug | September 24th, 2021

You’re finally with a healthy, loving partner, so why do you still have a fear of rejection in relationships?

Your fear of rejection in relationships might be confusing the heck out of you. Part of you that knows how amazing your partner treats you. But there’s a much LOUDER part that points out all the ways your partner could hurt you.

If this is happening for you, then this is a strong sign that you’re storing trauma in your body from past relationships.

Even though your mind knows that your partner is committed to you and loves you, your body feels all this anxiety and fear about getting heartbroken.

Your mind may even obsess over every single word your partner says, or the subtle way they squinted their eyes when they said it.

Hours later, deep into your circle of thoughts, you find your shoulders all the way up to your ears. This fear creates so much tension in your body.

This isn’t your fault. This is how old unresolved trauma impacts our ability to enjoy life and love.

Trauma fuels your fear of rejection in relationships, even when there’s no real threat.

This is NOT a reflection of your character and it does NOT mean you are damaged goods.

Old trauma stored in the body creates irrational fear in the nervous system and brain.

Even if your trauma happened over 20 years ago, the threat of the past repeating today feels SO intense. Almost as if it’s happening all over again (time itself does not heal trauma).

Read: How long does it take to heal from trauma?

You’ve gotten majorly hurt in past relationships. Thus, you hold the belief in your body that ALL relationships end in hurt. Even when there’s clear, practical evidence that you’re safe and supported with your current partner.

You may repeat affirmations that you are safe or worthy of love, but the part of your mind that says these words cannot access the part of your brain & body where your trauma is stored.

Talking about your fear of rejection in relationships will not heal the trauma that’s fueling it.

We cannot possibly heal trauma through talking, journaling, or affirmations. These exercises speak ONLY to the higher-functioning part of the brain, or your prefrontal cortex.

Yet, your trauma is stored in your NON-VERBAL primal brain, which does not understand verbal language.

It’s like speaking French to someone who only understands English.

You can hear all the words in the world, like “I am worthy of love!” or “I am safe with my partner!” But the part of your brain and body that’s storing trauma will not be able to comprehend it.

You have to speak your non-verbal brain & body’s language to begin to process and heal trauma. And the language of the body is MOVEMENT.

Break free from your fear of rejection by healing your trauma through movement.

My client Shay was so afraid of rejection (and intimacy) that her body would literally freeze up whenever she spoke to a new love interest.

Because the “freeze” response is an ancient nervous system response, we knew that her trauma was being triggered just by LOOKING at someone she was interested in potentially dating.

Through working together in my dance therapy-based program, Let Love In, she was able to rewire her nervous system to stop freezing at the slightest chance of intimacy.

We practiced this directly through our therapeutic relationship. One thing we did was literally move closer together and further away. When we moved closer, she felt her anxiety rise and an immediate urge to completely disconnect from me and her body.

Slowly and gradually, I helped her use specific movements that helped her stay regulated in her nervous system and stay connected to me even through the fear she felt in her body.

Eventually, she was able to be fully present and calm when we got closer to each other. This was an essential breakthrough in her trauma healing because this experience directly translated to her external relationships in her world. Instead of being intensely afraid of rejection, she was finally able to invite more intimacy and love in her life. This was the transformation she had wanted for so long, but her body wouldn’t allow it until doing this work together!

Get on the right path to healing trauma from your body and nervous system.

Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal from the physical body or the nervous system.

This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for so many people. They often blame themselves for being “un-healable” and decide that they’re broken.

This is NOT true!

Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing from the past, because we all have wiring and neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection, to love and openness.

My unique, scientific-backed process via Dance Therapy has helped hundreds of clients finally heal from past trauma and transform their relationship (even after decades of trying in other therapies).

You can heal too, but you need the right methodology.

Sign up for my online course (ranges from free to $20 USD) to begin a unique, body-based learning experience that will teach you:

Science-backed education about how trauma is stored in your body and nervous system. You’ll gain an understanding why it has NOT been your fault you haven’t healed yet from past trauma.
Gentle, guided body-based movement that is necessary for integrated healing. This is crucial if you want your mind’s intentions to match your body’s behaviors in relationships.
An embodied approach to healing that has helped hundreds of clients break unhealthy relationship patterns and let in healthy, lasting love.

Click here now to sign up!

The post Where your fear of rejection in relationships is coming from appeared first on Orit Krug | Dance Movement Therapist.

Why trauma will make you believe you’re in the wrong relationship even when you’re not

Orit Krug — Fri, 10 Sep 2021 10:00:04 +0000

Why trauma will make you believe you’re in the wrong relationship even when you’re not

By Orit Krug | September 10th, 2021

Are you in the wrong relationship or is unresolved trauma tricking your brain?

Do you constantly switch between wondering if you’re in the wrong relationship, and then being totally head-over-heels for your partner? If so, you probably have old trauma still stored in your body.

One day you’re in love with your partner and fully believe you’ll be together forever.

The next day, you’re overcome with anxiety and thoughts like, “I don’t think I can do this anymore” while planning your secret escape.

This isn’t because you’re in an unhealthy or toxic relationship. In fact, when you objectively think about your relationship, you know it’s the healthiest, most amazing partnership you’ve ever been in.

But, too often, you flip like a switch. If your partner isn’t texting you enough, you no longer feel like your relationship is stable.

If your partner is quiet, you immediately assume that they no longer want to be with you. That’s when you start to create your exit plan so you can leave them FIRST.

This isn’t a reflection of your character. This is TRAUMA controlling your ability to feel calm and safe in a healthy relationship.

To cope, your mind makes up stories that you’re in the wrong relationship. Because that’s safer than totally letting your guard down and letting yourself be fully loved.

Should you trust the voices that say you’re in the wrong relationship?

Whether it’s the voices in your own head, or your friends (aka, unqualified “therapists”), you may want to pause before you believe them.

My client Corrie used to have thoughts of leaving her husband every single day. She had been through decades of talk therapy and alternative approaches trying to resolve this.

She consistently came home from work and flipped out at her husband and daughter. Her baselines was snappy and frustrated. And she blamed this on the relationship.

She felt intense urges to run away, which was her Flight response hijacking her body and emotions. The threat of being in her relationship felt so real, like stumbling upon a bear in the wild. She truly felt she needed to escape. Fast.

While she spent all those years feeling like damaged goods, she didn’t realize how much her nervous system controlled & intensified her fear of being in her marriage.

But once we helped her release her trauma through her BODY, she said all of her relationship doubts & anxiety dissipated. She finally felt calm and rooted, not only in her relationship, but inside her skin as well.

Corrie went from thinking she was in the wrong relationship DAILY to becoming so much closer with her husband and daughter.

For the first time, she enjoyed her life with them and even felt excited about their future together.

If Corrie trusted those voices in her head, and followed primal urges in her body to leave, she would’ve broken apart her family. All based on false beliefs due to old trauma making her feel that NO relationship is safe.

How do you know if it’s trauma tricking you into believing you’re in the wrong relationship?

There are several ways you can tell this is old trauma running the show:

You have a strong track record of Relationship Anxiety, where you constantly fear that your partner isn’t right for you. No matter how many relationships you leave, you always feel the same doubts & fears in the next one.
Your partner is emotionally stable, but you cycle between being high & in love with your partner to low & hopeless about your future together.
The tiniest “signs” set you off. For example, your partner’s tone was “slightly different” when answering your question about where they went after work. Or, they didn’t answer their phone at the grocery store because it was on “Do Not Disturb.”
There has been absolutely NO evidence that your partner is disloyal or doesn’t love you, but you cannot trust them no matter what they say or do.

Once you experience trauma, your nervous system becomes wired to look for danger signs even when there are none. That’s because its #1 mission is to keep you from getting hurt like you did in the past.

It’s like an animal in the wild who senses every vibration and smell to make sure they won’t get eaten alive by a predator.

You sense your partner’s TINIEST mistakes or things they said “wrong” as the biggest betrayals. When in reality, there is no perfect relationship and you are each bound to mess up every now and then.

Even if there are TRULY questionable things that your partner has done, you won’t know for sure if you’re in the wrong relationship until you heal your trauma.

Unresolved trauma creates so much confusion because you’re wired to automatically react to protect your life, even when you rationally know that you are safe.

You deserve to find peace in your body & let love in without fear.

The latest trauma research shows that cognitive-based therapies cannot fully access trauma stored in the non-verbal brain and body. Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain-Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal trauma from the physical body or nervous system.

This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for many people. They end up feeling stuck, even after spending decades of therapy and gaining so much self-awareness.

If you relate, you might’ve considered giving up on your healing. You might wonder if a fully integrated healing is not possible for you.

Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing deeply & wholly, because we all have neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection to love, joy, and openness.

But even with an effective neuroscience-backed Somatic approach, going to weekly sessions could still require many more months or years until you feel that “click” in your body that finally makes you feel WHOLE.

That’s why I run Somatic Trauma Healing Retreats where many people experience accelerated, integrated, and lasting healing in just a few days.

(Disclaimer: each attendee must go through an application process that ensures this accelerated healing is possible for them).

If this sounds like something you might be interested in, I’d love to invite you to check out my retreats! There are several options from women’s healing, plant-assisted, 1:1, and more.

The post Why trauma will make you believe you’re in the wrong relationship even when you’re not appeared first on Orit Krug | Dance Movement Therapist.

What to do when my past trauma is affecting my relationship

Orit Krug — Fri, 27 Aug 2021 10:00:13 +0000

What to do when my past trauma is affecting my relationship

By Orit Krug | August 27th, 2021

Let’s talk about what to do when past trauma is affecting your relationship with your partner today.

It’s the worst feeling when you’re finally with the healthiest, most loving partner, but past trauma is affecting your relationship.

You may be sabotaging your connection or constantly worried that they’re going to leave at any moment. If you’re at all the way I was, you can’t stop imagining that they’ll turn into a monster like your abusers were to you.

It’s ironic. Your fear of abandonment and rejection is actually making you abandon and reject your partner.

When you’re constantly absorbed in your fears and thoughts of “what-if,” you’re not present in your relationship for your partner.

You’re either stuck in the past or constantly worrying about what might happen in the future. This makes you emotionally absent and neglect your partner. The very same thing you’re afraid of them doing to you.

Recognize that your fear of being hurt is making you hurt your partner.

If past trauma is affecting your relationship by rejecting your partner’s acts of love (because you don’t believe it), questioning your ability to trust them, and creating stories about how they’re going to hurt you… then you’re hurting them in almost the same way you fear them hurting you.

My client Lavinia used to constantly reject her husband’s acts of love and intimacy. She pushed him away when he wanted to be physically closer and she dissociated during sexual intimacy.

Deep down she wanted to feel unconditionally loved and wanted, but her fear of intimacy and abandonment made her communicate to her husband that she didn’t want him (which is not actually the case).

When your fear of abandonment or intimacy is making you reject your partner, then past trauma is affecting your relationship because you cannot let in the love that’s right in front of you. Yet, all you want to do is FEEL and be loved.

Release the trauma through your body to free yourself of self-sabotaging fears.

When you experience trauma, you store those memories in your body and nervous system.

This rewires your brain and nervous system to be on constant high alert and make a whole lot of problems out of nothing.

It makes you hypervigilant to see the tiniest things as huge red flags or warning signs that your partner is going to hurt you.

Because all of this is occurring in your BODY and primal nervous system, you cannot talk yourself into behaving a different way. You cannot repeat affirmations or journal about it, and expect it to be resolved.

This is also because the higher-functioning part of your brain, that uses verbal language and cognitive planning, goes offline during trauma and any time you get triggered.

Hence, you did not store the majority of your trauma in words, so you cannot access those memories in words. Which means you also cannot use words or conscious thought to release trauma.

In order to release body-stored trauma, you must access the memories through the body. You must speak the language of the body, which is movement.

Through a specialized process where you connect to your body through movement, you CAN heal your trauma and rewire your nervous system for healthy, lasting love.

You deserve to find peace in your body & let love in without fear.

This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for many people. They end up feeling stuck, even after spending decades of therapy and gaining so much self-awareness.

If you relate, you might’ve considered giving up on your healing. You might wonder if a fully integrated healing is not possible for you.

Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing deeply & wholly, because we all have neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection to love, joy, and openness.

That’s why I run Somatic Trauma Healing Retreats where many people experience accelerated, integrated, and lasting healing in just a few days.

(Disclaimer: each attendee must go through an application process that ensures this accelerated healing is possible for them).

If this sounds like something you might be interested in, I’d love to invite you to check out my retreats! There are several options from women’s healing, plant-assisted, 1:1, and more.

The post What to do when my past trauma is affecting my relationship appeared first on Orit Krug | Dance Movement Therapist.

Why you keep looking for what’s wrong with the relationship

Orit Krug — Tue, 03 Aug 2021 14:43:28 +0000

Why you keep looking for what’s wrong with the relationship

By Orit Krug | August 3rd, 2021

Let’s talk about why you keep looking for what’s wrong in your relationship.

It’s not like you’re ALWAYS looking for what’s wrong in your relationship, right?

One day you’re totally in love with your partner, thinking how perfect they are for you, and how you’re going to be together forever.

Then the next day, you’re plagued with thoughts like, “I don’t know if this is going to work out” as you point out all the things that they’re not doing right.

Maybe they didn’t text you exactly when you wanted them to.

Or they didn’t say, “I love you” FIRST in 4 days (not that you’re counting, right?)

This dramatic rollercoaster is a strong indication that you have old trauma unresolved in your body.

Old trauma makes you question anything that is potentially hurtful to you.

By nature, relationships are potentially hurtful. Sharing your heart with a partner is an emotional risk. Even in a healthy, stable relationship.

With old trauma trapped in your body, the tiniest risks can feel like death threats.

You know in your mind that it’s not a huge deal your partner didn’t text you back on time. You may even come up with a practical explanation. Maybe they got stuck at work or lost service on the train.

But your body isn’t rational. In the 20 minutes that you didn’t hear from them, you experience so much anxiety, it feels like your life is in danger.

This is your old trauma hijacking your body, your emotions, and the way that you relate to your partner.

That’s because your nervous system is now wired to look for all the danger signs that something is wrong in your relationship. Even when they’re not REAL danger signs.

You’re not consciously looking for what’s wrong in the relationship. Your survival system impulsively reacts at the first sign of “danger” which makes you feel unsafe to stay in your relationship.

Your nervous system operates under the belief that love is not safe.

You keep looking for what’s wrong in your relationship because it protects you from getting hurt like you did in the past.

Whether you experienced trauma in childhood, a romantic relationship, or both, you learned that it is NOT safe to give or receive love.

Even in a healthy relationship today, your survival system still picks out the tiniest pieces of “evidence” that you will not be safe with your partner.

This is also known as hypervigilance. Like an animal in the wild looking for any sign of a predator. They must pay extremely close attention to any noise, vibration, or shadow that indicates they could get eaten alive.

Now, we are civilized humans, but we are also animals who evolved from living this exact way in the wild.

When your partner forgets to pick up your favorite bag of chips at the supermarket, or looks at you a certain way that feels “off”… it feels like your relationship is no longer a safe place to be.

It’s usually one little thing that sets you off. Suddenly, it feels like you’re not going to survive your relationship. As if you’re going to be eaten in the wild.

This is NOT your fault or a reflection of your character. You cannot change the wiring of your nervous system with “positive thoughts” or affirmations. You can’t just decide that you’re going to stop looking for what’s wrong in your relationship.

You must rewire your nervous system in order to break the unhealthy pattern of looking for “signs” that your partner will hurt you.

Rewire your nervous system to feel safe, happy, and excited in your relationship.

My client Corrie used to spend hours in her head thinking about leaving her marriage.

She fantasized about running away and how things would be better if she wasn’t with her partner.

Once we began to release old trauma from her body, her brain understood the difference between her current reality and past trauma (her husband is not a monster from her past).

After she completed my Let Love In program, I asked her what changed in her marriage.

She said…“I see him again.”

“Instead of the scary version I painted of him, I can see him and all the expressions of love and devotion that he does every day.”

Before the program, she had only focused on his flaws and the ways in which he could hurt her.

But once she rewired her nervous system and took off her trauma-tinted glasses, she was hopeful and excited about their relationship.

Her entire world transformed. Actually to a point where her entire family needed to get used to this new, evolved version of Corrie.

The Corrie who wouldn’t come home and flip out immediately. It took some time to believe that her new baseline is calm, present, and affectionate.

Corrie had spent YEARS in therapy trying to work this out without success and sadly almost gave up on her relationship that she’s now so happy to be in.

You have the ability to experience this transformation too.

Get on the right path to healing trauma from your body and nervous system.

Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal from the physical body or the nervous system.

This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for so many people. They often blame themselves for being “un-healable” and decide that they’re broken.

This is NOT true!

Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing from the past, because we all have wiring and neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection, to love and openness.

My unique, scientific-backed process via Dance Therapy has helped hundreds of clients finally heal from past trauma and transform their relationship (even after decades of trying in other therapies).

You can heal too, but you need the right methodology.

Sign up for my online course (ranges from free to $20 USD) to begin a unique, body-based learning experience that will teach you:

Science-backed education about how trauma is stored in your body and nervous system. You’ll gain an understanding why it has NOT been your fault you haven’t healed yet from past trauma.
Gentle, guided body-based movement that is necessary for integrated healing. This is crucial if you want your mind’s intentions to match your body’s behaviors in relationships.
An embodied approach to healing that has helped hundreds of clients break unhealthy relationship patterns and let in healthy, lasting love.

Click here now to sign up!

The post Why you keep looking for what’s wrong with the relationship appeared first on Orit Krug | Dance Movement Therapist.

3 common causes of intimacy avoidance in a relationship

Orit Krug — Tue, 27 Jul 2021 12:21:28 +0000

3 common causes of intimacy avoidance in a relationship

By Orit Krug | July 27th, 2021

Intimacy avoidance can happen even in a healthy, loving relationship.

Let’s talk about why intimacy avoidance is happening in your relationship and how to know if you’re creating distance due to past trauma:

1. You’ve been hurt in the past.

Your unresolved trauma of abandonment and rejection creates a story in your body and nervous system that all closeness and intimacy end in hurt.

It feels too scary to risk more rejection and let your guard down, and that makes it “safer” to avoid intimacy.

You truly have to be vulnerable to initiate sexual, emotional, and physical intimacy. If you’re stuck in a self-protective state, then you’ll experience too much anxiety just thinking about this risk.

You may also think about initiating a sexy text or reaching out for a hug. But because your body is so frozen in the old trauma, you remain stuck in not taking any action.

This isn’t your fault. It’s what commonly happens when trauma is stored in the body, which leads us to reason #2.

2. You have a fear of rejection.

If your fear of rejection stems from trauma, then your nervous system is now wired to look for every potential danger sign that you could get hurt.

Let’s say your partner leaves their socks on the floor and hasn’t picked them up in 3 days. You asked them multiple times, but they haven’t listened.

Feeling utterly wounded, you think:

“WHY? Why don’t they care about my needs? Why doesn’t ANYONE love me?”

You totally blow it out of proportion in a very intense and quick way.

This is how you know that your old trauma is being triggered. It’s the littlest things cause a deep wounded feeling of rejection.

Maybe your mind knows that you’re overreacting, but your body feels like giving up and collapsing. This can make you feel like you don’t have the emotional strength to risk intimacy. Hence, it feels best to just avoid it.

3. You and your partner aren’t always on the same page.

In the beginning of my relationship with Aaron–before I healed my trauma–I avoided sexual intimacy.

He wanted to do the deed at night and I preferred it in the morning when I was more energized and awake.

I often tried to make a move after breakfast, but he repeatedly said no (I later learned that he doesn’t feel sexy with a full belly, ha!).

I immediately made up a lot of stories in my head like, “Why doesn’t he love me?”

“Is he more attracted to someone else? WAIT, IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE?”

It was so triggering for me that I stopped initiating sex for a while.

After I healed my trauma, I could actually have a healthy conversation about this instead of assuming the worst.

We still have our different needs for intimacy.

Even now, there are times when I just want to cuddle with him and he says he wants his own space. Or he’s too sweaty to be touching.

Back in the day, I was heartbroken over it. I always suspected that he was lying to cover up why he doesn’t really want me.

Now that I’ve taken off my trauma-tinted glasses, I can finally see him and his needs. I have no resentment when his needs are different than mine. It’s not personal.

When you and your partner aren’t on the same page, what are the stories you create about it? Are they too painful? Is it easier to just give up trying?

Intimacy avoidance is easier than dealing with the old trauma.

It’s common for old trauma to resurface when you and your partner have different preferences for intimacy. This makes your nervous system automatically go into self-protection mode to prevent getting hurt like you did in the past.

However, this “protection” is self-sabotaging and leads to intimacy avoidance. Inevitably, you will get hurt again because of the distance you’re creating in your relationship today.

In order to truly rewire your nervous system, break patterns of avoidance and ENJOY intimacy, you have to do this healing work through your body and movement.

Get on the right path to healing trauma from your body and nervous system.

Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal from the physical body or the nervous system.

This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for so many people. They often blame themselves for being “un-healable” and decide that they’re broken.

This is NOT true!

Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing from the past, because we all have wiring and neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection, to love and openness.

My unique, scientific-backed process via Dance Therapy has helped hundreds of clients finally heal from past trauma and transform their relationship (even after decades of trying in other therapies).

You can heal too, but you need the right methodology.

Sign up for my online course (ranges from free to $20 USD) to begin a unique, body-based learning experience that will teach you:

Science-backed education about how trauma is stored in your body and nervous system. You’ll gain an understanding why it has NOT been your fault you haven’t healed yet from past trauma.
Gentle, guided body-based movement that is necessary for integrated healing. This is crucial if you want your mind’s intentions to match your body’s behaviors in relationships.
An embodied approach to healing that has helped hundreds of clients break unhealthy relationship patterns and let in healthy, lasting love.

Click here now to sign up!

The post 3 common causes of intimacy avoidance in a relationship appeared first on Orit Krug | Dance Movement Therapist.

4 reasons why you’re emotionally cheating on someone you love

Orit Krug — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 13:23:37 +0000

4 reasons why you’re emotionally cheating on someone you love

By Orit Krug | July 22nd, 2021

Cheating on someone you love is often a sign of unresolved trauma.

I know this personally because I used to have uncontrollable urges to emotionally cheat on the people I love and it all went away once I finally released the trauma from my body.

So let’s jump in:

1. Your nervous system is adapted to equate love with drama & trauma.

Have you told your therapist or friends that you’re struggling with emotionally cheating on someone you love, and they said something like, “Oh, you’re just bored!”

I imagine that was pretty infuriating. It’s MUCH more complex than that.

First of all, the feedback that “You’re bored” is highly invalidating and irresponsible coming from a therapist because there is something much deeper happening at the level of your nervous system, due to old trauma.

When you experience trauma, you become wired to feel “safe” and comfortable in traumatic and dramatic relationships.

This makes safe and healthy relationships feel boring because the drama isn’t there. It actually feels empty, like something is missing.

You cannot simply resolve this by doing something more exciting with your partner. Your entire system that keeps you alive currently CRAVES chaos, because that’s the only way it knows how to survive.

Creating drama and risky situations through emotional cheating, despite being with your partner who you love, gives you that instant rush that also makes you feel calm and settled again.

2. You’re addicted to other people’s approval and reassurance.

In the early stages of your relationship with your partner, their reassurance and approval of you was very satisfying. But it no longer gives you a rush because you’ve been together for so long. It’s like a drug that used to feel so good but now your body adapted to it, so it feels boring and uneventful.

Now, you feel the need to find a different drug or a stronger hit that will actually cause that rush of sensation and excitement in your body. This is also why you look outside of your relationship for something riskier and more taboo. The higher the risk, the higher “reward” (or dopamine hit to your body).

After experiencing trauma, even from 20+ years ago, our bodies often become disconnected and numb. If you don’t feel alive on the inside, you’re sure as heck not going to be able to feel that within your relationship.

So you’re constantly seeking that hit of fire or spark, when in reality you must be able to feel that in yourself first. That way, you can feel ALIVE enough to feel a sense of aliveness in your relationship.

That was actually one of my favorite pieces of feedback from a former client of my Let Love In program. She had actually started working with us to resolve her own issues with sexual intimacy, and she said, “I got so much more than that.”

She added, “When the shift began to happen in my body (which I am still experiencing), it was like something was being born/made new from deep inside of me. My moment came amidst the tears & rawness of it all and I realized that I was ALIVE for the first time in my life. My husband has even said that he’s noticed a change. He says I’m more connected – I’m there with him & that is huge!”

After years of trauma, you have to access this aliveness within yourself to feel it anywhere else in your life. You will not find sustainable excitement or passion if it’s not within you. Even if cheating gives you a temporary rush of excitement, betraying the person you love will only create more hurt and trauma.

3. You need a backup plan.

Trauma has made you believe that all love ends in hurt, rejection, and abandonment.

Even though you know in your mind that your partner is dedicated to you and won’t leave you, you still worry you’ll be left alone.

You’re cheating on someone you love because you need a backup just in case something goes wrong in your current relationship. This is a self-protective mechanism. Because with trauma, you now have the belief stored in your body that all love ends in hurt, rejection, abandonment.

The person you’re emotionally cheating with is your backup plan or safety net. This is similar to anyone who’s hoarding or saving up finances on the side just in case they need to leave. This plan would make sense for someone planning to leave an abusive relationship, but when your relationship is healthy and you’re still doing that – you know that old trauma is still controlling you.

Protecting yourself from being ALL IN in your relationship prevents you from experiencing the highest potential of love, connection, and intimacy with your partner.

No wonder you’re not satisfied. You’re not letting it in.

All of this sets you up for a negative self-fulfilling prophecy. When you look for a backup for when things go wrong, but you’re the one who’s creating the things that are going wrong. Then it’s like, “I guess I needed that backup after all!” Because you created the problem.

A former client of Let Love In began to work with us because she emotionally cheated on her husband.

She was always a “good girl.” She grew up with parents who never allowed her to express any “negative” emotions so she learned to hide her true feelings.

Now, even though she’s with a loving, supportive husband today, she always felt like she had to put on her good girl mask with him.

Thus, she was never truly seen in her relationship. She operated under the belief that she had to look for a safer relationship elsewhere to finally be herself, even though she had it right in front of her.

Once she rewired her nervous system and allowed her body to believe it’s safe to be her true self– that her husband is not her father or mother, and that she’s not a “helpless child” anymore– she finally repaired those childhood experiences and started expressing herself unapologetically.

She began to take up more space while being more confident in her body. Her true self emerged in herself and in her relationship. This eliminated her false belief that she is only safe to express her needs and be seen in a relationship outside of her marriage.

4. You know why you do it, but you don’t know HOW to stop doing it.

You know exactly why your past trauma is making you stray, but cheating is like an addiction that takes over you, and you find yourself repeating the same pattern again.

It doesn’t matter how much intellectual understanding or cognitive awareness you have about your patterns of cheating. In order to truly change your behaviors, your body and nervous system must be on board so you can actually physically follow through with your mind’s intention to not cheat.

This takes much more work than telling yourself not to cheat because this old trauma repeatedly controls and hijacks your behaviors before you can even think about doing something different. You have to rewire your nervous system to feel safe and excited in a stable, non-dramatic relationship.

Until you feel that safety with your partner, you’ll continue to impulsively sabotage your relationship.

Stop the cycle of self-sabotage and rewire yourself to enjoy the healthy love you have now.

In my FREE Rewired For Love training, you’ll learn the 3 secrets to healing your trauma and ending your unhealthy relationship patterns that stem from the past.

This free training will give you the clarity you need to create the most connected and fulfilling relationship with your partner without sabotaging your amazing connection or repeating the same stories from the past.

Sign up for my FREE training

The post 4 reasons why you’re emotionally cheating on someone you love appeared first on Orit Krug | Dance Movement Therapist.

How to deal with emotional triggers in relationships without sabotaging your connection

Orit Krug — Thu, 08 Jul 2021 17:39:00 +0000

How to deal with emotional triggers in relationships without sabotaging your connection

By Orit Krug | July 8th, 2021

There are so many unhelpful tips about how to deal with emotional triggers in relationships.

To manage emotional triggers in relationships, many experts will say, “Breathe before you respond,” or “Practice a script of what you want to say in X situation.”

Unfortunately, these tips don’t actually work in the moment when your brain and body are triggered.

We cannot simply breathe our way through triggers. We cannot cover up intense nervous system reactions with rehearsed words.

When we are triggered, we lose the ability to make rational decisions and control our emotions, even when we intellectually know we’re overreacting.

In order to understand why, let’s first get clear on what exactly is a trigger.

The difference between a trauma trigger and a normal emotional response.

Let’s say your partner asks you 7 times in the same week, “Where’s that wooden cooking spoon?”

A normal response would be something along the lines of, “Wow, this is getting irritating. I wish you would just remember where the spoon is so you don’t have to ask me so many times.”

A trauma trigger would look more like yelling and crying, “WHY can’t you just listen? WHY don’t you ever hear what I’m saying to you?” Followed by a total meltdown.

Now, it’s okay and even healthy to have normal frustrations with your partner (I can’t tell you how many times my husband tells me he can’t find something and then I find it in 2 seconds, ha!).

But with a trauma trigger, there’s an intensely different reaction happening in your brain, nervous system, and your body.

When you have old trauma stored in your body, your hippocampus is diminished and it cannot distinguish past trauma from the present reality. So when your partner asks for you to find something for the 7th time in a week, it feels the SAME as when your parents neglected your emotional needs because they didn’t pay attention to you.

Want to see a map of how exactly the brain is affected by trauma? Sign up for my FREE Rewired For Love Training.

This triggers in you the old trauma of being unheard, unmet, and betrayed by the people who were supposed to love and see you more than anyone else.

Are you being triggered or are you having normal, healthy responses in your relationship?

Are you experiencing normal emotions that come with living or being with a partner for many years? Are you having a healthy amount of bickering or disagreements?

Or are you experiencing intense reactions that make you impulsively yell, shut down, or get in your car and leave in the middle of a conversation?

Are you able to follow common tips like, “Breathe before you respond” or “Communicate that you’re angry in a nice way?” Or does it all go out the window as soon as you have conflict or confrontation with your partner?

Many people will call themselves broken or damaged goods because they can’t follow these “simple” and “helpful” tips to stop being triggered, but the truth is that NO ONE with unresolved trauma can fake being calm.

You must teach your nervous system to regulate itself and expand your window of tolerance so that you can respond the way you’d like, without pushing away your partner.

Even if breathing and scripted words have worked a few times before, they are not long-term, sustainable solutions to rewiring your nervous system.

Rewiring your nervous system will help you maintain calm in the face of triggers.

My client Allison used to become so triggered whenever she and her partner talked about money. She’d blow up so fast. She would yell and say, “You need to get a job or I’m DONE!” She would be quick to shut down and end the conversation.

But this morning, she sent me a message and said that things have completely shifted for her. She said, “I can’t believe it! We actually had a conversation about money. I was able to be present and he even asked me for advice!”

Rewiring her nervous system allowed her to be able to CHOOSE her response. She said she still felt the impulse to give an ultimatum and shut down the discussion… but she didn’t.

And that is KEY!

She had become so comfortable with feeling discomfort and difficult emotions in her body (through our sessions) that she was no longer hijacked by them. By being able to stay present in her body and our therapeutic relationship FIRST in session, she was easily able to do that in her real-life relationship.

That is the process of rewiring, in a nutshell, where your nervous system becomes so comfortable and skilled at staying present and connected even through confrontation. This is what brings relationships closer than ever instead of falling apart whenever there is a bump in the road.

Get on the right path to healing trauma from your body and nervous system.

Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal from the physical body or the nervous system.

This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for so many people. They often blame themselves for being “un-healable” and decide that they’re broken.

This is NOT true!

Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing from the past, because we all have wiring and neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection, to love and openness.

My unique, scientific-backed process via Dance Therapy has helped hundreds of clients finally heal from past trauma and transform their relationship (even after decades of trying in other therapies).

You can heal too, but you need the right methodology.

Sign up for my online course (ranges from free to $20 USD) to begin a unique, body-based learning experience that will teach you:

Science-backed education about how trauma is stored in your body and nervous system. You’ll gain an understanding why it has NOT been your fault you haven’t healed yet from past trauma.
Gentle, guided body-based movement that is necessary for integrated healing. This is crucial if you want your mind’s intentions to match your body’s behaviors in relationships.
An embodied approach to healing that has helped hundreds of clients break unhealthy relationship patterns and let in healthy, lasting love.

Click here now to sign up!

The post How to deal with emotional triggers in relationships without sabotaging your connection appeared first on Orit Krug | Dance Movement Therapist.

“Am I asking for too much?” and 5 more questions that indicate past trauma is making you sabotage your relationship today

Orit Krug — Tue, 22 Dec 2020 21:06:41 +0000

“Am I asking for too much?” and 5 more questions that indicate past trauma is making you sabotage your relationship today

By Orit Krug | December 22nd, 2020

It’s normal to doubt yourself in your relationship sometimes, but if you’re repeatedly asking yourself the following 6 questions, it’s likely that your past trauma is causing you to question your worthiness and potentially sabotage your relationship.

Let’s jump in:

1. Am I asking for too much?

Your love is happy to give you what you need but sometimes when they’re stressed or exhausted, they say “Not now,” or, “Can you just do it?”

This triggers an intense feeling of abandonment and betrayal within you. Even though they are there for you 90% of the time, these occasional incidents make you feel like no one loves or cares about you.

It makes you question why you’re even with your partner if they can’t be there for you or can’t do you a favor (even though you know this isn’t true).

Once you calm down and reflect on what just happened, you realize that you completely blew things out of proportion. Yet, you still wonder, “Am I asking too much?”

You probably aren’t asking too much, but past trauma has a pervasive way of making us constantly overreact, doubt ourselves, and shut down from the people who love us the most.

Hence, the next question…

2. Am I overreacting?

If you have old trauma stored inside your body, then you probably overreact more often than you’d like.

This is NOT your fault.

When you experience past trauma, your nervous system becomes hardwired to impulsively react in a fight, flight, or freeze response whenever you experience the faintest reminder of your past trauma.

For example, your partner hugs you from behind and suddenly you freak out and push them away before even realizing what just happened. The way they snuck up on you automatically triggers a memory of your unpredictable abusive father instead of being able to appreciate a sweet, loving gesture.

You actually want this healthy affection all the time, but these acts of intimacy scares the crap out of you, especially when it comes by surprise. Instead of being free-spirited, fun and spontaneous in your relationship, you’re usually on guard and in need of control.

Another example is that if you keep raging at your partner whenever you see a text from a number you don’t know and automatically assume they’re cheating, then yes you’re overreacting. However, this is NOT a reflection of who you are as a person. It is your trauma controlling your emotions and behaviors.

These impulsive reactions are primal and occur in the non-verbal part of your brain – where your trauma is also stored. There is no amount of trying to talk or think your way out of behaving differently until you release trauma from your body.

3. Do they really mean it when they say ‘I love you?’

When you’re still holding on to the trauma of being abandoned and rejected in past childhood or romantic relationships, you’ll automatically assume you’re not worthy of love in your relationship today.

Your partner could tell you “I love you” EVERY DAMN DAY and you still won’t believe it until you heal the trauma of past heartaches.

Even if you affirm in your mind that they DO love you, those 3 words still won’t click with you when your partner says them. Instead, you may remain numb. Trauma has made you so disconnected from your body that you can’t feel your heart even though there’s so much healthy love right in front of you.

My client Zoe had an amazing breakthrough with this when we worked together. She always thought she took in her husband’s love, but it wasn’t until she released the trauma from her body and started feeling safe to FEEL (instead of cut-off from her body by being obsessively in her thoughts) that she realized how much love she was truly missing from him.

She couldn’t believe how much love she had been blocking before she could really feel the difference in her body.

Your mind has to believe it, but your body also has to FEEL it.

4. Do they think about other women, men, etc?

Yes. They probably casually think about others and that’s totally normal. Your partner can be in a monogamous, committed and loyal relationship with you AND still think about others.

YOU are the person they have dedicated their life to and the most important one in their world.

When you are confident in yourself and truly know how amazing you are, it doesn’t matter that they have perfectly normal and healthy thoughts about others.

It no longer feels threatening that they think about other people because you trust and know that they won’t randomly abandon the amazing human that you are.

5. Do they miss me when I’m out?

I used to think that Aaron would discover how much better life was without me when he went out with his friends. I had nightmares of him coming home to say he was bored and done with our relationship. This was a complete lack of confidence in myself and my trauma-rooted belief that I was unworthy of his love.

Once I healed my trauma and believed that I was worthy, I no longer went batsh*t crazy when he went out. My anxiety stopped and I was able to wish him the best time without secretly wishing he would be miserable without me.

I now believe that wherever he is, near or far, he thinks that he is the luckiest guy to be spending his life with me and that he cannot wait to come home and hug me. What a huge shift!

6. Do they even care that I’m upset?

OF COURSE. Your partner is with you because they care deeply about you.

Maybe you’ve rejected their acts of love and how much they care about you SO many times that they’re afraid to try showing you again.

Or maybe you’ve been too scared to express your true emotions, so they honestly don’t know HOW you want them to show you how much they care.

My former client Jessica froze up every time she wanted to express frustration. She was so afraid her husband would react in anger the way her abusive father used to, even though her husband never did. Her old trauma made her quiet her voice and hide her needs until she released the trauma from her body.

Once Jessica finally started speaking her truth, her husband became much more clear about what she wanted and how to give that to her – both emotionally and physically. Now she is 100% unapologetically honest and it has reignited the amazing spark they had before having kids.

You deserve to find peace in your body & let love in without fear.

This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for many people. They end up feeling stuck, even after spending decades of therapy and gaining so much self-awareness.

If you relate, you might’ve considered giving up on your healing. You might wonder if a fully integrated healing is not possible for you.

Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing deeply & wholly, because we all have neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection to love, joy, and openness.

That’s why I run Somatic Trauma Healing Retreats where many people experience accelerated, integrated, and lasting healing in just a few days.

(Disclaimer: each attendee must go through an application process that ensures this accelerated healing is possible for them).

If this sounds like something you might be interested in, I’d love to invite you to check out my retreats! There are several options from women’s healing, plant-assisted, 1:1, and more.

The post “Am I asking for too much?” and 5 more questions that indicate past trauma is making you sabotage your relationship today appeared first on Orit Krug | Dance Movement Therapist.