By Orit Krug  | Aug 23rd, 2023

New Relationship Energy is often exciting and enjoyable, but it can also be highly stressful and triggering.

Whether your ENM journey means having multiple sexual partners, romantic partners, or both, it’s crucial to learn about New Relationship Energy (NRE) that can come on quickly and intensely at the start of any new connection. NRE is also known as the infatuation period or the honeymoon phase. Especially when you’ve been in a long-term monogamous relationship, and you meet someone new, it’s wildly invigorating and exciting. At the same time, it may cause distress.

The intensity of NRE can be overwhelming when you experience it. Even with positive feelings of infatuation, it can feel like your body and mind are in overdrive. NRE can also trigger anxiety and abandonment fears, especially if your partner is having NRE for another partner.

When I first experienced NRE, after 10 years of monogamy with my current partner, I felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about my new love interest. My body experienced low-level anxiety ALL the time. When I finally confessed to my husband that I felt this way, he said, “You’re experiencing New Relationship Energy.” 

When I heard that there was a term for my experience, and a scientific explanation behind it, I felt immediate relief. This is what I’d like to share with you, too.

The science behind why New Relationship Energy feels so intense.

NRE is strongly correlated with a neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Dopamine is a “feel good” chemical that’s typically released in the brain when we eat something delicious, achieve a goal, have sex, connect with others emotionally, and experience other events that are deeply satisfying to our biological beings. 

Dopamine can truly feel like a drug, and there are actual illegal and legal substances that boost dopamine, which can be addictive. This is why love can feel like a drug! More dopamine usually makes us crave even more dopamine. When we spend time with a new partner, and it feels amazing, we want more, more, more. These new relationships can feel euphoric and give us such a great natural high.

However, with a new partner or love interest, we can also feel mildly to majorly uncomfortable with insecurity, or feeling like we don’t have enough of their affection or attention – no matter how much we’re getting from them. This is because the rise of Dopamine usually co-occurs with the decrease of Serotonin. Serotonin is also a feel-good chemical associated with feeling satisfied and content. While the rise of Dopamine says, “Give me more,” the decrease of Serotonin says, “I don’t have enough. I’m not satisfied!” This is why NRE can feel so incredible and distressing at the same time.

Common NRE challenges that can potentially sabotage your relationships

NRE, or infatuation usually feels strongest within the first month to 6 months; however, it can last a lot longer depending on the relationship, and how often you see your new partner. In this phase, you may find your new partner unflawed – seeing them exclusively for their great qualities and ignoring any imperfections. This probably happened when you first started dating your long-term partner (if you have one), but tapered away over time as you built a more secure attachment and accepted their growing edges. 

This can cause some guilt or discomfort as you swoon over your new partners and ask, “Wait, why don’t I feel this way about my current partner anymore?” or “Why am I getting so much more excitement and pleasure with my new partner? Does this mean my current relationship isn’t meaningful anymore? Is it dead? Am I supposed to be with this new person instead?” It’s easy to fall into these questions when your new partner is also infatuated with you, giving you extra attention and affection, compliments, gifts, or anything else you may not regularly receive from your long-term partner anymore. It may seem concerning that your new partner gives you “more” than your current partner.

These concerns and thoughts can also occur when you witness your partner experience NRE with their new partners. You may struggle with feeling or thinking:

“My partner has a new crush, and doesn’t seem present with me.”

“My partner is so excited about their new partner… I wish they were that excited about me.”

It’s important to remember that, despite NRE with new partners, our current relationships are still meaningful and fulfilling. Our existing partnerships, especially long-term ones, have been an integral part of our lives, growth, safety and identity. My husband and I have been together for over 10 years; but sometimes with NRE it’s easy to forget just HOW MUCH we’ve been through together. We have supported and chosen each other every day, through our best and worst. It can be easy to forget how much our partners truly know us, accept us, and love us unconditionally.

It’s normal to forget this with the rush of NRE. It’s common to feel an infatuation with your new partner that you don’t feel nearly as much or as often with your current partner. As a result, you may unintentionally neglect or feel disappointed with your long-term partner. When you or your partner are going through NRE, it’s important to check in even more with how each of you are feeling and address any insecurities. You can also celebrate what you’re enjoying about your new person, share what you’re learning within your new relationship, and use all of that to grow and deepen your love with your current partner.

A 3-step guide to navigating New Relationship Energy in a healthy way.

New Relationship Energy can make us behave in ways that aren’t aligned with our true needs, boundaries, or values. The overwhelming feeling of excitement and attraction can make us want to drop everything else in our lives to engage more with our new partner.

As a general rule, DO NOT make any serious decisions while you’re in NRE. Most online resources advise not to make any decisions for 2 years:

1. Don’t decide to move to your new partner’s location.
2. Don’t decide to leave your current partner for your new partner.
3. Don’t bend your boundaries for your new connection in a way that’s going to be unhealthy for you. (i.e., a date that goes until 2am with your new partner, when you have to wake up at 6am with your child, is okay once in a while. But if you do it week after week and you’re struggling from lack of sleep – don’t do that!)
4. Don’t bend boundaries within your current relationship either. You may really want to see your new partner more, but if that cuts into the time you’ve already dedicated to your current partner, then you’re probably slashing your boundaries due to NRE. 

When you have these urges, remind yourself that you’re on a powerful drug and tune back into what your rational, grounded self would do. On that note, here’s a 3-step guide to navigating NRE without sabotaging your relationships:

1. Make a list of your boundaries in work, life, and relationships.

This will be your golden list while in the midst of NRE. Since it’s so tempting and easy to drop our boundaries when we’re experiencing NRE, we can benefit from as many written reminders as possible.

For work:

1. Is it beneficial or healthy for you to communicate with partners during your work day? If you’re texting your new partner all day, every day, it’s most likely sabotaging your production and focus. Maybe you have a firm boundary not to text or call between 9am and 5pm, unless there’s an emergency. You may set a boundary to text only during your lunch break, or only 2-3x during work. Personally, I’ve let NRE intrude my entire work day for months at a time, and it wasn’t healthy for me or my business. I now have a loosely set boundary not to get carried away with texting during work hours.
2. Will you take off work to see your partner? Are you willing to spontaneously play hooky or do these days need to be planned in advance? If you’re in a long-distance relationship, you may schedule a few work days every once in a while to take an extended visit with your partner. Perhaps you have a limited number of days each month you’re willing to take off in order to invest time into your new relationship. Maybe you don’t let NRE interfere with your work life at all. Since my husband’s partner lives across the country, he’s been taking off 2 days every 1-2 months to see her. It seems to work for him now, but I also see that it’s stressful for him to take too much time off work. Perhaps his NRE is affecting his judgment! Or maybe he’s just, like, YOLO – work is work, it’ll be fine.
3. [If applicable] Is it a wise idea to collaborate with your new partner on a project or business idea? Generally, I HIGHLY encourage you to make a firm boundary to NOT mix your relationship with business until you have been together for at least 2 years (which is the same time it takes to build a secure attachment, according to Jessica Fern of Polysecure). But if you simply can’t resist, then at least make SOLID boundaries that separate your work and your relationship within the project and business you are pursuing together. For instance, you may set a boundary that you don’t talk business during your weekly date night.

For life:

1. What are your top 5 core values in life? List them on a piece of paper, a note in your phone, or sticky notes on your mirror! It’s important to remind yourself of these DAILY while in NRE. For instance, is it one of your core values to spend an hour a week connecting with friends? NRE could make you want to spend every free moment with your new partner, which could potentially make you push your friend-time to the side. Is it essential to prioritize alone time in nature once a day? If so, you may have to turn down a spontaneous phone call with your partner that would interrupt this time. It may feel very hard to say no, but it is actually the healthiest for you and all of your partners to maintain your values and boundaries during the early stages of a new relationship.
2. Speaking of values, write down beliefs and philosophies that strongly resonate in your body and soul. For instance, if you are passionate and dedicated to saving the environment, what are some daily or weekly practices that contribute to this cause? Are you still practicing them or are you giving away the time to your new relationship? It’s better to stick to your values from the start of a relationship rather than feeling lost, empty, or resentful after months have gone by and you’ve invested so much of your identity and time into your partner.

For relationships: 

1. In your current relationships, how much time do you ideally want to spend quality time together? What is your current agreement? This can always shift, but it is generally a wise idea to know what kind of time you want to spend with current partners.
2. How much time is important for you to spend with family members, friends, or other relationships? Does that amount of time change even with the addition of more partners?
3. How much time do you want to spend with a new partner? What feels healthiest for you? Is it the same amount of time you’d want to spend with them once you’re more established in your relationship? Maybe you know it’s healthiest for you to move slower with new partners, so you may decide that seeing them once every 2 weeks is enough for now. But in a few months, you might consider seeing them once a week or more.

Writing all of these down on paper in a clear and concise way can help you easily revisit them and ground in your values as you float away with sensations of NRE. It will also help you communicate your needs and boundaries to all of your partners.

2. Identify body sensations associated with NRE.

Since NRE often comes with overwhelming sensations, it’s important to get comfortable with them inside your body. The intensity of your heart racing, feeling weak in the knees, and other sensations can make us do rash things in an attempt to regulate these feelings. 

What sensations do you typically feel when you experience an intense rush of NRE? Make a list of all the ways you feel them in your body.

In my experience, my breath gets more shallow. I have tingles all over my head & body. I have an overall buzz through my body. While it feels really good, it often feels like I have to DO something with that energy. Truthfully, all I want to do in those moments is tell my new lover, repeatedly, how crazy I am about them. But even when the NRE is mutual, that’s not always the healthiest thing to do. 

Instead of reacting to these sensations, we can be in command of them and how our bodies can respond in the healthiest way. Here’s how:

1. Whenever you feel a rush of NRE, identify the strongest sensation in your body.
2. Close your eyes and visualize the attributes of the sensation, such as color, texture, movement, and size.
3. Allow your body to naturally respond to this sensation. For instance, if you feel butterflies in your stomach, you may feel a natural instinct to rub your stomach in a circular motion with your hands (Do not overthink this, there’s no right or wrong).
4. Keep allowing your body to organically move with the sensations of NRE (instead of fighting against them, pushing them away, or needing to resolve them).

Here’s a free guided movement meditation if you need help with this process.

3. Regulate nervous system responses.

When we intentionally tune into the sensations of NRE and then allow our bodies to move with it, we give our bodies the support it needs through the intensity of feelings. When we regulate these sensations, we lower the risk of making rash decisions on NRE. Instead of NRE being something we must react to, we learn to sit or move with it in our bodies. Oftentimes, when I’m experiencing intense NRE, I put on high-energy music and dance. It helps me celebrate the euphoria while also releasing some of the anxiety.

For many of my clients, they become very distracted and have a hard time focusing on work. This can intrude on a necessary aspect of life. NRE can take our minds in many different directions. It’s extremely effective to ground back into the body at this time.

What does your body naturally want to do to regulate? This is not a question for you to answer with your mind. I highly encourage you to practice the meditation (or 3 steps) above to truly start listening to your body and what it needs. This will make it so much easier. 

The practice of identifying & moving with NRE sensations can help, especially with anxious attachment tendencies, where we often need someone outside of us to make us feel reassured or safe. When you become comfortable with uncomfortable feelings inside your body, you begin to trust yourself that you are safe, no matter what you end up fearing or feeling. Even if you fear abandonment, rejection, and hurt. You know you can handle the difficult emotions and move through them. This isn’t only helpful through NRE, but it’s crucial in all phases and conflicts of relationships.

What to do if your partner is experiencing NRE

If your partner is the one experiencing NRE, know that this is a time where you may feel extra sensitive and insecure. Don’t let your feelings define WHO you are, as this is just a temporary phase. It’s normal to need more self-care, reassurance, and support at this time. How can you find extra support so that you can support your partner through this magical time? If you were so excited about a new relationship, you would probably want your partner to celebrate this with you. Of course it’s normal to share some doubts and console each other through them, but generally I imagine you would not want to dampen their excitement. Get whatever support you need – whether it be therapy, a support group, or something else.

Whether it’s you or your partner going through NRE, be kind and gracious to yourselves. Try to avoid making any meaning of ANYTHING. If your partner is having more satisfying sex with their new partner, for example, it does NOT mean that they’re not as attracted to you. 

Come back to the scientific reasoning vs. the emotional stories. The dopamine is working in favor of them having more exciting sex with a new person. We know this, right? That’s part of the reason we go on this journey! 

Instead of making unnecessary meaning about why this is happening, use it to your relationship’s advantage. What specifically about your partner’s new sexual dynamic are they enjoying? What would they love to bring back in with you? This isn’t going to be an easy discussion. It’s likely to bring up insecurities, but you and your current partner are so strong that you can work through and come out even stronger, more connected, and more in love.

And, if you or your partner need specific boundaries during the NRE phase, such as not sharing certain details about your new relationship, or asking to spend more time together, then do that. Ask for what you need and let your partner ask for what they need, knowing that these boundaries will continue to evolve as you each get comfortable and confident with this phase of new relationships.

Join our somatic retreat for polyamorous folks navigating trauma

The latest trauma research consistently shows that trauma gets stored in the non-verbal parts of our brain and body. If you’ve been in therapy or seeking support for a while, but you still feel that trauma is hijacking your nervous system & body’s responses, this is NOT your fault. A somatic, embodied approach is necessary to process & release trauma. Talking can only get us so far.

I am co-facilitating a Poly Retreat with Dedeker Winston (co-host of Multiamory Podcast), where we will be using somatic therapy practices to help you integrate and embody the ability to deeply love yourself and your partners through your poly journey. Our neuroscience-backed practices are effective in processing traumas, working through current non-monogamy challenges, and deeply celebrating your incredible & courageous journey of practicing open love!

Click here to learn more about our next Poly Somatic Healing Retreat!

By Orit Krug  |  July 24th, 2023

Do you suspect that you or your partners are showing signs of avoidant attachment through polyamory?

Polyamory has a tendency to trigger our deepest attachment wounds. Even if you’ve been securely attached to a partner for some time, it’s possible to suddenly experience a resurfacing of avoidant attachment through other relationships.

Avoidant attachment behaviors typically include:

• Avoidance or discomfort with emotional intimacy 
• Feeling threatened by partners wanting more closeness (they may see them as “clingy”)
• Withdrawing and isolating during conflict
• Suppressing emotions
• Unwillingness to deal with pain and trauma from past or present 

Avoidant attachment behaviors are usually triggered or intensified when one is in relationship with a partner who has anxious attachment. The avoidant may “push and pull” or be “hot and cold.” There’s typically a dance between showing immense affection vs. being cold or distant. 

If you feel that any of your partners are displaying avoidant attachment behaviors, you may feel confused, anxious, and pushing or pressuring for more closeness in the relationship. It can feel extremely difficult to approach this issue in the context of polyamory, since there are typically multiple relationships happening at the same time. 

In this blog post, I will aim to provide as much clarity as possible regarding how to know if your partner is displaying avoidant attachment in polyamory, and how to navigate it in the healthiest way possible.

4 signs your partner is displaying avoidant attachment in polyamory

The internet has an abundance of information on how people display avoidant attachment in monogamous relationships, but how does it show up specifically in polyamory? Here are 4 signs:

1. They say they don’t practice hierarchy, but it’s clear that they do.

The avoidant may do this for several reasons. First, they may say they don’t practice hierarchy to make sure you feel “special” & “important” enough. They may want more of your attention and sway you to practice non-hierarchy too. But once you show more intimacy and closeness, they become threatened and pull away from your connection. Suddenly, you see that they’re prioritizing other partners over you. 

This is a way for them to create distance, because being close feels too threatening. They have learned from a young age that intimacy only ends in hurt, and pulling away is the only safe solution (as opposed to the anxiously attached, who respond by clinging harder).

The avoidant may also claim that they don’t practice hierarchy to prevent you from becoming too close from the onset of your relationship. If they have you understand that you won’t get preferential treatment, then maybe you’ll ask for less from them. This can be a relief for the avoidant who believes that they’ll inevitably let you down, based on their inability to be there for past partners, and the “knowing” that everyone else has let them down throughout their life.

Lastly, they may have an ideal desire to give all partners “equal” affection and attention, but in reality, intimacy and emotional closeness with multiple partners feels threatening and overwhelming. They flip-flop between practicing hierarchy and prioritizing different partners, based on their game of push-and-pull with each of them.

The avoidant doesn’t do this to be intentionally cruel, but it’s the only way they know how to respond in order to protect their feelings or cope with conflict. Deep down, they truly do want closeness with partners, but it doesn’t actually feel safe. Thus, the avoidant patterns continue.

2. They say they don’t want any more partners, but they’re still actively looking.

Similar to #1, this behavior is a result of their desire to pull you in, but inevitably they push you away once you get too close. They may feel incredibly fulfilled with you at the beginning of your relationship, to the point that they stop looking for other partners. But then they flip once you get too close or there’s conflict. They cope with their fear of intimacy with you, by focusing more on others. Instead of having a vulnerable conversation with you about what’s bothering them, they channel their energy into dating others.

It’s a red flag when your partner constantly says one thing but does something else that doesn’t match their words. There’s often a reason for the mismatch between what they say and what they do. If you gently approach this issue, the avoidant will usually avoid talking about it. That’s another indication that your partner is displaying avoidant attachment behaviors.

3. They say they love to have multiple partners, but they have difficulty following up on commitments with them.

While polyamory can feel like a dream come true and a huge relief to so many people, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. While avoidants are typically excited to “be allowed” to have multiple partners, they usually have a difficult time living out their poly dream.

Your partner may be enthusiastic about giving lots of love and care for multiple partners, but in reality, they can be neglectful and avoidant. While they say they deeply love and care for you (and other partners), they lack the ability to be consistently close, stay present through conflict, or be truly supportive of your needs. 

They may avoid making plans or cancel plans as they become overwhelmed with making too many commitments. They also lack consistency in responding to texts or calls, when they had previously been more present. They tend to isolate or withdraw for periods of time in order to deal with conflict on their own (or with the support of other partners). Then, they’re present again once they’re less vulnerable or expending less energy repressing their emotions.

4. They’re transparent and insightful about their poly challenges, but when it comes to conflict between you two, they claim they’re fine.

You know when you meet someone who talks so insightfully about themselves? They have so much self-awareness about their needs and challenges. It makes you think, “Wow, they really know themselves. They’ve really worked on themselves.” It gives you the green light to become closer because, surely, they’d be able to handle closeness and conflict if you were to deepen your relationship. Unfortunately, this can be highly misleading. 

Your avoidant partner may seem to have an impressive level of self-awareness. They may even identify that they have an avoidant attachment type. They can discuss the ways in which they’re able to work through it. But the truth is, they do not follow through when it comes to conflict with you. They either avoid conflict altogether, or say that everything is fine. This is the avoidant’s way of suppressing emotions, relying on only themselves to resolve conflict, and closing down instead of trusting you & opening up.

This may be one of the most frustrating traits. You may have been under the illusion that your partner was healthy and skilled enough to work through the hard stuff with you. In reality, they’ve learned a lot of terms from Instagram or podcasts; they’ve read a lot of books to identify their issues; and maybe they’ve talked a lot in therapy. They know how to tell you what you love to hear, but they can’t actually follow through.

In addition, they may open up to their other partners about your conflict, instead of you. They may feel safer to talk to them because they’ve built a sense of trust and intimacy that you two haven’t reached yet.

What to do if your partner is displaying avoidant attachment in polyamory

There’s an abundance of advice online about how to navigate a relationship with an avoidant attachment type. But how is this different when you and your partner are polyamorous?

In general, your partner’s avoidant patterns may increase your anxiety about the relationship. You may feel an urge to cling harder, gain clarity, and push for answers. Unfortunately, this would usually only push away the avoidant partner, especially one who is poly.

As a recovering anxious attachment type, polyamory has been a huge healing opportunity for me to approach avoidant partners in a much healthier way. When I was previously monogamous with avoidant partners, I constantly freaked out because we weren’t climbing the relationship escalator at a rate that society conditioned me to believe was necessary. When my avoidant partners wanted to move slower, or take more space, I tried to force and pressure us to move faster. I wanted to find “my one” and lock them down.

Now, as I break free from monogamous conditioning, I’ve learned that each of my poly relationships will move differently. I’m much more settled in a fluid situation, where sometimes we communicate daily, and, at other times, a week will go by with no exchange. I’m not saying that I want my primary relationships to look like this; in fact, I crave and desire reliability and consistency in many of my poly relationships.

However, I can still feel so in love and secure in relationships that aren’t as “secure.” Even without a label or much structure, I rarely blame myself or my worth. I witness what’s happening in the relationship and I accept what my avoidant partners are currently available for. If I have enough of a desire to be with them, I’ll go with the flow. If the situation feels too triggering, I may decide to work through those triggers on my own, or decide the relationship isn’t for me (right now).

In the relationships where I choose to stay with the avoidant partner, my needs are still met. Because I let go of expectations and I’m so accepting of them, they are more open and accepting of me and my needs. Thus, the trust grows deeper, the foundation gets stronger, and we end up building a strong, secure attachment to each other anyway (NOTE: Jessica Fern, author of Polysecure, says that it takes at least 2 years to build a secure attachment with partners. It is wise to take your time in all relationships, especially with avoidant partners).

It’s important to note that there can be a fine line between avoidant patterns vs. toxic, manipulative, and subtly abusive behaviors. The 4 signs mentioned earlier in this post can be an innocent reflection of the avoidant partner’s misalignment between what they want and what they can actually provide. However, if they are using tactics to try to bring you closer and carelessly pushing you away, this is concerning.

Ultimately, you have to assess and decide if the situation is healthy for you or not. If your partner is honest about what they can and can’t provide, then they’ve given you the information you need to know. If they keep giving you mixed signals, knowingly hurting you, and unable to shift their patterns, then perhaps it’s not a healthy relationship for you to continue. If you’re unsure, or the relationship is causing you too much harm (but you can’t seem to leave), I encourage you to seek professional support.

Join our somatic retreat for polyamorous folks navigating trauma

The latest trauma research consistently shows that trauma gets stored in the non-verbal parts of our brain and body. If you’ve been in therapy or seeking support for a while, but you still feel that trauma is hijacking your nervous system & body’s responses, this is NOT your fault. A somatic, embodied approach is necessary to process & release trauma. Talking can only get us so far.

I am co-facilitating a Poly Retreat with Dedeker Winston (co-host of Multiamory Podcast), where we will be using somatic therapy practices to help you integrate and embody the ability to deeply love yourself and your partners through your poly journey. Our neuroscience-backed practices are effective in processing traumas, working through current non-monogamy challenges, and deeply celebrating your incredible & courageous journey of practicing open love!

Click here to learn more about our next Poly Somatic Healing Retreat!

By Orit Krug  |  July 3rd, 2023

Compersion in polyamory/ENM can feel extremely difficult when you have a history of trauma around abandonment & rejection.

I’m writing this post just a few days after my husband’s girlfriend came to visit for the first time. Since it was such a new experience for all of us, I had no idea what to expect. As someone who experienced trauma and anxious attachment for most of my life, I saw this as an opportunity to utilize my regulation skills, healing, and security I’ve gained over the years. Naturally, I was also nervous how it might trigger me, too.

Ideally, I wanted to feel compersion and all the positive things for both my husband and his girlfriend. In reality, I felt a spectrum of emotions including, but not limited to compersion, joy, love, insecurity, jealousy, and grief.

Whether you have an abandonment wound or not, it’s not realistic to expect constant compersion from yourself or your partners. Even the “healthiest” individuals and couples struggle with jealousy from time to time. This is a normal part of the human experience.

What does compersion feel like in the body?

You probably already know that compersion is the “opposite of jealousy.” It’s the experience of feeling pleasure and joy for our partners’ pleasure, especially in the context of them dating and/or sleeping with other people. 

There are so many articles that explain the definition of compersion and tips on how to experience it. However, most of these blogs teach us about compersion with an intellectual approach, when it is actually an embodied experience. 

It’s important to ask yourself: what does compersion feel like for me?

An example of a cognitive or mindset-based answer may be, “It’s when I feel excited or happy for my partner when they’re experiencing NRE with someone new.”

However, I encourage you to dig deeper and ask, “What does compersion feel like in my body?”

Close your eyes for a moment and imagine yourself feeling happy and excited for your partner’s NRE with someone new. Even if you’ve never experienced this in real life, just pretend for a moment that you are deeply happy for your partner in this context.. 

What sensations come up in your body? Do you feel an overall lightness in your body? A flutter in your heart? An energy running through your arms and legs that makes you want to jump and hug them? 

There’s no right or wrong way to feel these sensations in your body. It’s also okay if you can’t even imagine or pretend feeling compersion yet. You can drop the whole image of feeling compersion, and simply tune into how your body feels when you’re excited for your partner when they get a good review at work or experience love with a platonic friend.

Need more guidance with this? Try this guided movement meditation on compersion.

Whatever sensations come up as you feel compersion in your body – these can inform you how you may be able to feel them in your real-life relationships. The sensations could feel similar to excitement, love, joy, pleasure, calmness, softness, or even a neutral happiness.

For example, if you felt a calm stillness in your body while sensing compersion in your body, that may be an accurate reflection of how you’ll feel the next time your partner goes on a date. It may be very subtle. You might even expect to feel like you’re “supposed to be” overly excited. But rest assured – compersion comes in multiple forms.

One of the struggles that many people have around experiencing compersion is that they hold themselves to specific expectations on how they’re “supposed to” feel it. Drop those expectations. Eliminate any preconceived notions that you can only experience compersion if you’re absolutely over the moon for your partner. We all feel emotions in different ways and on different days.

How to feel compersion even when you’re triggered by jealousy.

There’s an issue in the way we define compersion. By saying, “it’s the opposite of jealousy” can be misleading. Many people take this to mean that we can’t possibly experience compersion if we’re also feeling jealous. This is an unhealthy perspective.

Why?

Because we are fully, wholly human. We have a full range of emotions happening constantly and simultaneously. The messages we get from society and our minds say that we cannot have opposing emotions at the same time. Therefore, if I feel sad, I must not be feeling happy. If I feel disgust toward another, I must not be feeling compassion. If I feel jealous, I must not be feeling compersion.

Most of the time, for the majority of people, we experience a multitude of emotions at the same time. However, we tend to focus on the “bad” ones, which overshadows the “good” ones. 

I found myself doing this right before my husband’s girlfriend’s visit. I was feeling very jealous and excited at the same time, but I was fixated on the jealousy. I felt bad about myself and my inability to simply be happy for my partner. But the truth is, I did feel excited and happy for him. I also felt jealous.

It wasn’t until I accepted my imperfect humanness, that I could embrace and feel love for myself in the face of the whole range of emotions. Which, by the way, are extremely normal in a situation like this.

We are generally too hard on ourselves and have been taught a black-or-white, or all-or-nothing perspective about emotions. The real human experience of emotions, especially in relationships, primarily exists in a gray area, filled with lots of different emotions.

If you feel jealous and insecure in any of your relationships, please acknowledge them and take the opportunity to work through them. At the same time, ALSO notice if there’s even an ounce of compersion present too. Remember, you can feel a fleeting sense of calmness, joy, love, excitement, etc, for your partner as a way of feeling compersion. Notice this and give yourself some damn credit: you’re feeling compersion, even in the presence of jealousy

When trauma gets in the way of compersion.

If you have unresolved trauma around abandonment or rejection, it may be extremely difficult for you to feel even a tiny bit of compersion. When trauma is stored in the body, it only takes a subtle trigger to put our nervous systems into a state of intense fear and protect us from potential pain. 

Even if you’ve read many articles about compersion, or you’ve talked in therapy about how to feel secure while your partner dates others… your nervous system and body will typically react impulsively before your mind can even interrupt and say it’s okay.

This is not your fault. It’s not a reflection of your “inability” to heal past trauma or have healthy open relationships. Trauma around attachment and abandonment hardwires our brain and bodies to become overprotective of our hearts. Brain mapping research shows how the brain’s “fear center,” or the Amygdala, is overactive in trauma survivors. Research also shows that the Prefrontal Cortex (PC) goes “offline” when we are triggered by past trauma; yet most of us try to heal by “talking to” the PC through verbal processing in traditional therapy, repeating affirmations, journaling, and more.

My client Katie spent over 10 years in traditional talk therapy trying to heal her abandonment trauma. She became an “expert” in her own trauma history. She knew exactly why she was so afraid of losing her partners. She made lists of ways she could stop feeling jealous through her ENM experiences. However, when her partner dated or slept with others, she often felt a full-body heat and rage take over her body. In those moments, she desperately repeated, “I am safe, I am enough,” but her sensations were so intense, she still spiraled into jealous episodes.

Katie had tried to tell her Prefrontal Cortex that everything was okay, but the PC goes offline during major stress and triggers. Plus, trauma is primarily stored in the Amygdala and body; thus, her attempts were futile. She didn’t understand what was “wrong” with her or why she couldn’t talk herself out of her jealousy. But that was the issue in itself – jealousy is an embodied experience exacerbated by unhealthy thoughts. The body must shift out of jealousy, not just the mind.

Through our work together, Katie was able to become comfortable with the sensations in her body associated with jealousy. Instead of impulsively reacting to them with a Fight (sending angry texts to partners) or Flight response (escaping the relationship), she was able to stay regulated. She became in command of these sensations in her body, sensing how they arose and moved through her body. She became in charge of how she responded to her partners despite the discomfort of jealousy in her body.

Because Katie was able to feel safe in her body through uncomfortable sensations, she had fewer experiences of jealousy / rage in her relationships. Even when she felt jealous, she was able to stay calm and gracefully voice her insecurities. She had a new ability to assert her needs without being aggressive or controlling. This created a new sense of freedom within Katie’s body and relationships. She was no longer hijacked by the fear that everyone would abandon her. Instead, she trusted she is worthy enough to be loved, without forcing or pressuring her partners to follow rigid rules.

After 10+ years of therapy, Katie finally embodied the sense of security, freedom, and love in herself, which spread to her relationships too. This was everything that she (and her therapist) tried to talk herself into feeling for so long! 

Katie did not have a special ability to make the shift from cognitive understanding to embodied action. She just needed the right process to integrate her trauma healing with her entire body, so she could finally physically follow through on her mind’s intentions.

Join our somatic retreat for polyamorous folks navigating trauma

The latest trauma research consistently shows that trauma gets stored in the non-verbal parts of our brain and body. If you’ve been in therapy or seeking support for a while, but you still feel that trauma is hijacking your nervous system & body’s responses, this is NOT your fault. A somatic, embodied approach is necessary to process & release trauma. Talking can only get us so far.

I am co-facilitating a Poly Retreat with Dedeker Winston (co-host of Multiamory Podcast), where we will be using somatic therapy practices to help you integrate and embody the ability to deeply love yourself and your partners through your poly journey. Our neuroscience-backed practices are effective in processing traumas, working through current non-monogamy challenges, and deeply celebrating your incredible & courageous journey of practicing open love!

Click here to learn more about our next Poly Somatic Healing Retreat!

By Orit Krug  |  June 22nd, 2023

Somatic polyamorous couples therapy can help us enhance our relationships by healing trauma stored in the body & breaking lifelong patterns of sabotage.

When past unresolved trauma gets stirred up in our relationships today, it can prevent us from experiencing the healthy love and connections we truly desire.

You may experience impulsive, uncontrollable reactions to jealousy, NRE (your own or your partner’s), new sexual experiences, and complex relationship dynamics. Perhaps, in your mind, you wish to be more supportive, calm, loving, and grounded through these interactions. However, in your body, you feel on edge, out of control, or even numb / dissociated. This disconnect between mind and body is why the Somatic part of polyamorous couples therapy is crucial. 

Somatic is defined as having anything to do with the body. We must consider and include the body in poly couples therapy to dramatically increase the probability of a full-body, integrated healing. As a result, we can align our mind’s intentions with our body’s behaviors; we can follow words with actions; we can physically take in the deep level of intimacy that our minds tell us we crave; and therefore, we can invite an abundance of loving, healthy relationships without all the drama and trauma creeping in from the past.

Why the body must be included in poly couples therapy when you’ve experienced trauma.

It’s common to attend poly couples “talk therapy” for several years and still feel stuck in the same exact spot where you started (or worse).

This is because a traditional therapy process only accesses memories in our Prefrontal Cortex (PC), which is the part of our brain that governs verbal language and logic. But the majority of your trauma memories are not housed in the PC. In fact, brain imaging and mapping research has shown that the PC goes “offline” during trauma and highly stressful events. So when you’re working through difficult conflict with your partner, even in therapy, you’re likely not even able to process and absorb new skills if it’s triggering stress or old trauma.

The infograph of the brain below may help paint a clearer picture of why traditional therapy is typically not enough for poly couples therapy to make a lasting change in relationships.

In sum, traditional polyamorous couples therapy is likely not the correct approach for helping poly couples heal their trauma and improve their relationships. Unfortunately, this leads many couples to prematurely close or abandon their relationship because they believe they tried everything and yet they’re still not happy.

How somatic poly couples therapy works.

There aren’t many poly therapists incorporating a somatic process via couples therapy, but those of us who are, approach it slightly differently.

In my polyamorous couples therapy program, I take clients through a 5-month neuroscience-backed process that’s been highly effective in transforming my clients’ relationships. To help you understand how it works, I’ve outlined the 4 phases I typically bring my clients through:

Phase 1: Cut Through The Bullsh*t

Whether a couple has tried to work on issues alone or with a counselor, they’ve only hit the surface of what needs to change to deepen their relationship. In my somatic process, I guide couples to connect with each other through movement, which cuts through verbal defenses that keeps most relationships from building the deepest and most harmonious connection possible.

Within just one session, moving together immediately reveals a couple’s biggest defensive areas in a lighthearted, curious, and enjoyable way.

One minute of movement revealed how Aindrea & Rich needed to improve their communication.

Phase 2: Break Old Patterns

Once the couple’s biggest defensive areas are revealed to us, we change them through movement. Most couples spend YEARS talking about how they want to change, but they’re never able to because the body never learns a new way of behaving.

In Phase 2 of my somatic process, I guide couples to try new movements in connection with each other that immediately shift the way they interact and connect. Every movement represents a different behavior, so if they want to become more open with each other, they can literally try that on together in movement.

By trying on new ways of behaving and expressing themselves together in session FIRST, they avoid the rollercoaster cycle of feeling like things are improving and then back to square one. This eliminates the need to keep talking about what they want to change in session and then not being able to follow through in their real word together.

Phase 3: Eliminate Fear-Based Reactions

Many couples go as far as learning new behaviors, but then fall back into the same old patterns because they’re deeply scared of what will happen if they truly let go of their overprotective defense mechanisms.

In my polyamorous couples therapy program, my clients literally move through the fear that comes up around changing their patterns–ON THE SPOT. This means they transform old relationship habits in session before they even have a chance to do it in their day-to-day life.

Through movement, I help each partner stay present and comfortable in their body & emotions instead of impulsively disconnecting or defending.

Phase 4: Integrate Into The Relationship

Because we do this work through body and movement, my clients naturally experience huge shifts within themselves and their relationship. I also give them specific strategies to try on together during life outside of session. That way, their transformation becomes fully integrated by the time they’ve finished the program.

Excerpts from somatic poly couples therapy sessions

To paint a clearer picture of this process, I’d love to share some client stories with you. 

Couple Story #1 – From Codependent To Independently Secure & Connected

In one couple’s therapy session, I guided the partners to explore physically moving further away and closer together. For both partners, in their day-to-day life, it felt detrimental when they wanted time and space away from each other. They felt guilty for wanting more independence, so they abandoned their own needs to try to match each other. This led to deep unfulfillment within themselves and hopelessness about the relationship as a whole. I wanted to test what would happen when they moved further away from each other in the safety of our session.

The result? They realized it wasn’t detrimental at all.

Because this couple had both safe and therapeutic physical experiences of moving away from each other, and realized it wasn’t as horrible as they imagined, it gave them the embodied experience that it was safe to be more independent. Plus, we explored different ways they could choose to come back together. They especially loved slowly walking back towards each other and brushing up against each other’s shoulders. Even six months after we finished working together, they told me they still do this particular movement, which makes them laugh and feel more playful together!

This one session was a reflection of their entire experience doing this work. My client said to me, as he reflected on the program: “Looking back, our conflicts weren’t really disasters. It was us looking through a screen colored by past trauma. Once we healed the way we were physically reacting to each other, it changed everything for us in a way that nothing else ever had.”

Couple Story #2 – From Dismissing Her Needs to Seeing Her & Listening Closer Than Ever Before

One of my couples came into session with a major issue that wasn’t shifting, even though they were experiencing huge shifts in other areas of their relationship. They wanted to work on the tension, conflict and disconnection that occurs when she asks him to support her through difficult feelings around poly-related issues. She’d said that he barely responds or doesn’t know what to say when she vulnerably shares her challenges.

I started the session by having each partner connect to themselves first through the body via movement. (My couples clients improve their connection to each other tenfold when they’ve connected to their own bodies first).

As they were connecting to their own selves, I prompted them to connect with each other only once they felt a connection with their own bodies. They eventually did.

Afterwards, I asked, “What helped you connect to each other?”

She mentioned that after she connected with herself, it helped her to open her eyes and make physical contact with him.

This was crucial, because when she described their pattern of asking him to support her emotionally, she added, “Ultimately, I want to be able to stay connected, instead of feeling like I’m a burden, forgotten, and my needs dismissed.”

Now that we knew what helped them connect to each other, they were ready to play out their “problem pattern” in movement.

“Let’s have both of you move as if you’re currently in the midst of this pattern,” I prompted.

I asked her, “How do you typically gesture, walk towards or away, or hold yourself in your body when you’re asking him to support you? Move that.”

And for him, I said, “As you’re seeing her move this pattern, respond with one ‘out-breath’ what sensations you’re feeling in your body as they’re coming up. Then respond to that sensation by moving your body however it instinctually wants to in that moment.”

Here’s what happened: She did HUGE chaotic movements with her arms and entire body to communicate, “Hellooo! Can’t you see I’m asking something here!” In response, he said, “There’s a hollow feeling in my stomach.”

As she continued to move, she noticed that he became flat and didn’t make any further movements.

She thought, as usual, “This ISN’T WORKING! He isn’t DOING ANYTHING!”

When we paused the exercise and processed this verbally, she reflected that this is exactly how the pattern plays out in their lives. She feels like she needs to set fires to be heard and seen, and he shuts down and doesn’t do anything.

BUT, instead of their usual pattern fully playing out, she remembered that making eye contact and physically touching him helped her stay connected with him. So, instead of getting lost in frustration of things “not working,” she touched his leg. Then, suddenly, he was “back” and present. He gestured and gently verbalized “I’m here. What do you need?”

It was such a simple but powerful shift.

She connected this back to her past trauma where she felt she had to set fires to grab people’s attention. Meanwhile, what she realized in the session was that her big chaotic “LOOK AT ME!” movements made him shut down.

Instead, if she makes a simple connection with him that invites him in instead of scares him, he’s able to see her and meet her.

As a result, she said, “I feel SEEN. More than 1,000 words could.”

Now, they can both stay connected harmoniously, even during conflict. And truthfully, they don’t have so much conflict now. They can easily navigate their obstacles with playfulness and deep connection because this physical experience of truly seeing each other without trauma-tinted glasses gave them so much compassion for each other, and their own selves.

Couple Story #3 – From Shutting Each Other Out To Coming Together During Conflict

One of the major issues in this relationship was less about poly challenges, but more that the female partner constantly felt burdened with tasks & responsibility for the family, while the male partner seemed indifferent. She felt very alone in their partnership as parents. For anonymity purposes, let’s call this couple Rachel and Barry.

One day, Rachel & Barry came to session telling me about their recent blowout a few nights prior. Rachel had asked Barry to sign a piece of paper, to which he responded “Later.” It was one simple signature; she pushed him to just do it, and he pushed back harder.

As they were talking about the argument in session, they started getting into their typical loop. I gently interrupted and said, “This isn’t going anywhere. Let’s do some movement.”

“I’d like for you to pass an imaginary object back and forth. It can be whatever you desire it to be. A ball of energy, a piece of paper, or something metaphorical like anger.” I prompted.

“Whatever this object is, you can change it and mold it every single time you pass and receive it. You can also pass it back and forth as slowly or as quickly as you’d like. So if you feel the desire to play with this object for a while before passing it back, that’s okay too.” I added.

They agreed and went forward with the intervention.

Here’s what happened: Rachel immediately felt burdened and upset by this imaginary object, so she kept passing it back to Barry very quickly. Barry found this to be fun and was visibly smiling and playing. This made Rachel even more upset because this is exactly what happens in their real life: When Rachel approaches a serious task, she hopes Barry will respect its importance and help with it. But Barry usually doesn’t take it seriously and leaves Rachel with the burden.

When we processed this movement experience through words, Barry wasn’t showing much emotion. This made Rachel feel more upset because he wasn’t showing that he understood the magnitude of this issue. I guided Barry to tune into his body and move what he was feeling in that exact moment. This was hard for him, but he eventually identified a deep sadness and began to cry. Something Rachel has not seen in a very long time.

Barry identified that he was sad because he felt helpless and couldn’t resolve their family issues that were completely out of their control. Rachel, seeing Barry deeply feeling this, finally let go of her resentment towards him and understood that he wasn’t aloof. He was frozen by a feeling of helplessness.

This was really powerful. So much shifted in just that 5-minute movement experience. I asked them to do the exercise again with this new awareness. I sensed that their back-and-forth movements would look completely different this second time. And they did.

Here’s how they reflected on their movements the 2nd time around: “It was fun this time, it was just an object without the baggage – lighter and more playful, working together more – feels like something we can manage together.”

This led to a harmonious, full-body realization that even though they may not be able to change a certain situation, they can at least be together in their sadness instead of alone. This also helped Barry immensely, in terms of accessing his feelings instead of repressing them. This created a necessary foundation for so much more change in their relationship.

Join our somatic retreat for polyamorous folks navigating trauma

The latest trauma research consistently shows that trauma gets stored in the non-verbal parts of our brain and body. If you’ve been in therapy or seeking support for a while, but you still feel that trauma is hijacking your nervous system & body’s responses, this is NOT your fault. A somatic, embodied approach is necessary to process & release trauma. Talking can only get us so far.

I am co-facilitating a Poly Retreat with Dedeker Winston (co-host of Multiamory Podcast), where we will be using somatic therapy practices to help you integrate and embody the ability to deeply love yourself and your partners through your poly journey. Our neuroscience-backed practices are effective in processing traumas, working through current non-monogamy challenges, and deeply celebrating your incredible & courageous journey of practicing open love!

Click here to learn more about our next Poly Somatic Healing Retreat!

By Orit Krug  |  June 22nd, 2023

Anxious attachment in polyamory is a common experience that can lead to deeper healing or further pain.

As human beings, we generally form one of two attachment styles within the first 2 years of life – secure attachment or insecure attachment.

A secure attachment is formed when our caregivers are emotionally attuned, reliable, and supportive through physical and emotional discomfort. An insecure attachment is typically formed when our caregivers are unpredictable, unreliable, neglectful, or a mix between attuned and absent.

Within the umbrella of insecure attachment types, there is the anxious attachment style. You may already know or suspect that you identify with anxious attachment. 

Anxious attachment behaviors typically include needing constant reassurance from partners, having difficulty saying no (a.k.a people pleasing), and clinging intensely in relationships to prevent abandonment.

If you’ve displayed anxious attachment behaviors throughout your childhood and adult relationships, they’ll likely be intensified through polyamory. Even if you haven’t experienced them in a long time.

In general, different types of relationships can help diminish or exacerbate anxious attachment. For instance, you may feel insecurely attached to your mother, but you feel securely attached to your spouse.

In polyamory, you may be with a long-term partner who has helped you feel safe and secure, but you experience anxiety and insecurity in outside relationships. Or perhaps you suddenly display anxious attachment behaviors with your secure, long-term partner while they are experiencing New Relationship Energy (NRE) with a new partner.

When you experience anxious attachment in polyamory, you are presented with a gift. I know it doesn’t feel that way, because it can feel like a plague. I’ve experienced it too – sleepless nights, racing heart, and incessant thoughts. But these “symptoms” serve as loud messages, telling us that we still need to heal the trauma that fuels this anxious attachment.

Why does anxious attachment in polyamory feel so intense?

Anxious attachment usually feels intense whether you’re monogamous or polyamorous. However, with polyamory, you’re likely to experience anxious attachment in multiple relationships. Therefore, the anxiety typically comes at a much faster rate in polyamory than in monogamy. 

Anxious attachment feels so intense because it reminds our bodies and nervous systems of a time when we did not feel safe in this world. This may sound like an exaggeration, but the events that contributed to the formation of your anxious attachment were all traumas. Whether they be “little” unintentional traumas, such as being left alone in your crib, or “big” traumas, like growing up with a volatile father who often yelled at you.

The way we remember trauma is primarily through the body. Research shows that trauma memories are stored as fragments of sensation in the body and non-verbal brain. It only takes a subtle sight, taste, touch or smell to make you feel like you’re experiencing your past trauma all over again. For instance, your partner may have a certain look on their face that reminds you of the way your mother looked before hitting you. When this happens, your body and nervous system automatically go into 1 or more of the following 4 reactions:

1. Fight (become verbally or physically aggressive).
2. Flight (leave the house and drive away).
3. Freeze (dissociate and say nothing).
4. Fawn (abandon your needs to please your partner).

You react in these ways to protect yourself even if your partner has never been abusive towards you.

Further studies show that the Hippocampus is smaller in trauma survivors. The Hippocampus is the part of the brain that distinguishes the past from present. When trauma survivors have common relationship mishaps or disagreements, they are more likely to experience them as a recurrence of past trauma from previous relationships. This adds to the intensity of feeling like the pain from the past is happening all over again.

Hence, an anxious attachment bomb drops with every little “wrong look,” late text, missed “I love you’s” and other common miscommunications.

Why anxious attachment in polyamory can feel like “dying.”

When you’ve experienced attachment ruptures or traumas, the pain from these memories comes rushing back with any faint reminder of the past. These reminders may come in subtle or obvious interactions with long-term partners or new lovers. 

You could be triggered by your partner not looking at you in a longing way after they come home from a date. Or they’re texting their new lover instead of making direct eye contact with you. These are common issues that can make anyone upset, but it is the overwhelming intensity in which you react (and later regret) that indicates your body has re-experienced and reacted to past attachment wounds.

Your cognitive brain may know that you’re overreacting, or not actually in physical danger, but your primal body (or perhaps, your 6 month-old body) knows no better than to feel like you’re about to die (i.e., like the time your mother was emotionally absent, forgot to feed you on time, and your nervous system feared actual death).

These intense reactions are not rational. We cannot talk our way into telling ourselves we’re safe. As long as we have unresolved trauma being triggered around attachment, we will carry it with us in our bodies and into the majority of our relationships until it is healed. Any faint reminder of the pain from the past will cause a physiological reaction that makes us react as if we have to protect ourselves and save our lives.

When your partner doesn’t text back within a certain amount of time, you may feel an uncontrollable force take over to text and call 20 times in a row. You know “this is crazy” but your nervous system is already in “Fight” mode, kicked into action and doing what you can to “save your life.” This is how anxious attachment acts as a force that hijacks your primal body into behaviors that you can’t stop in the moment, but you wish so badly to stop repeating.

In sum, anxious attachment feels so intense because your body and nervous system have evolved to do whatever it takes to protect you from real OR perceived danger. When you experience challenges in relationships today that even subtly remind you of the pain from the past, you will automatically react to prevent yourself from experiencing this hurt again. 

You’ll constantly ask your partners to reassure you until you feel a fleeting sense of security again.

You’ll intentionally hurt your partners to let them know how much they’ve hurt you, but then apologize profusely because you don’t want them to leave.

You’ll say yes to everything they want without voicing your own needs, so that you decrease the chance of them rejecting you.

These are behaviors rooted deeply in unresolved trauma, but they do not have to define you forever. You can heal the underlying trauma and begin to relate to partners in a much healthier way.

Why anxious attachment can be so difficult to change.

Since attachment is formed in the first 2 years of life, our attachment styles are set PRE-VERBALLY through touch, smell, posture, gestures, and other body movements. 

The way we remember a caregiver being aggressive may be through their accelerated advancement towards us, or the way they forcefully picked us up when we refused to listen.

We do not remember WHAT they said when they made us feel unsafe. We do not know the exact words they used. We remember, non-verbally, the visual picture and bodily sensation that we experienced when they walked away while we were crying and begging for attention. Our bodies remember.

This is why so many people struggle to heal their anxious attachment patterns. Because they are trying to change it with words; but as preverbal children, we did not form our anxious attachment style in words. We formed them with our bodies.

It may be helpful to talk about your anxiety in therapy, repeat affirmations for feeling secure, or journal about your thoughts. However, these cognitive-based techniques are not enough to shift anxious attachment into secure attachment. 

The body must adopt a new way. Neural pathways must be rewired in the non-verbal brain, so we can stay present and respond instead of react. We must learn how to literally move in ways that lead to more security (i.e., keeping eye contact and leaning in for a hug even when we’re deathly afraid of getting hurt).

Movement is where true change begins. If you truly want to heal the trauma that’s feeding your anxious attachment patterns, then you must engage your body in a process that allows your entire physical being to feel secure in all types of relationships and interactions.

3 science-backed ways to shift anxious attachment in polyamory.

Here are 3-science backed ways to navigate anxious attachment in polyamory. The following tips are not a substitute for therapy, or a cure-all for healing trauma. They are helpful ideas that you can try to implement into your overall healing journey:

1. Regulate your nervous system & body through anxiety

When we experience anxiety, we are either in the hyper-arousal or hypo-arousal state. It’s important to understand each of these states in order to know how to regulate through anxiety.

In hyper-arousal, we are usually revved up. We can be irritable, agitated, and aggressive. You may hear yourself thinking, “I just can’t calm down.”

Hypo-arousal is a less obvious type of anxiety. Symptoms on the outside may look non-existent; however, your nervous system is still driven by fear in this state, which is the basis for all anxiety. In hypo-arousal, we feel numb, depressed, or lethargic. You might recognize this state by feeling like “I don’t feel anything.”

On the flip side, when you’re in a calm, cool state within your body & nervous system, you are in your Window of Tolerance (WOT).

There is a lot of misinformation out there about how to regulate our nervous systems into our WOT. Many coaches or therapists will suggest things that are typically known to be helpful, like yoga, meditation, and nervous system “hacks.” However, many of these tend to be prescribed in a generic way without fine-tuning to the momentary needs of our nervous system in different states.

Let’s look at the chart above to learn how we must regulate through anxiety. In HYPER-AROUSAL, what you need to get back into your WOT is to decelerate (or downregulate) into slow and gentle movement.

This COULD look something like yoga… sometimes. It could also look like a gentle sway with hands on your heart, or slowly rolling your shoulders. There is NO one answer to this. You’ll likely need something different each time, because it’s crucial to follow your body’s lead and allow yourself to be guided to move in whatever way will help you regulate in the moment – NOT following a blanket prescription of poses.

In HYPO-AROUSAL, you need to gradually accelerate (or upregulate) into stronger, energizing movements to feel a sense of aliveness again.

Again, this could look like yoga sometimes, but often it isn’t. Yoga is generally a slower gentler practice, even though it typically requires body strength.

What often works reliably is following through with unplanned organic movement. For example, my client Felicia started freezing up as we moved together more assertively in session. In other words, she began to enter a state of HYPO-AROUSAL because her nervous system felt threatened by being assertive (doing more direct & confrontational movements towards me).

Usually, what most clients do when this happens is they stop their movement completely. It’s an obvious natural response to stop moving when you’re freezing up. But instead of letting Felicia repeat her pattern of hiding/freezing, she moved through the fear with my guidance to follow her body’s lead. She moved in an organic way which brought her back to WOT and out of an anxious state in that exact moment. This broke her pattern of freezing up during conflict, and allowed her to finally stay present and voice her needs instead.

So, how can you regulate through anxiety?

Start listening to your body when you start to feel anxious in relationships. If you’re feeling low, heavy, and numb – try something more active instead of meditation, which is likely to trigger even more numbness if you have unresolved trauma.

If you’re feeling on edge and irritable, try to close your eyes, feel the strongest sensation present in your body, and then let your body move with it. You may find yourself naturally wanting to shake it out or sway through the feelings of anxiety in your body. 

Most importantly, don’t ignore what your body really wants to do, simply because you read on Instagram that you should do something else. Your body holds the highest wisdom. A skilled coach or therapist can guide you to listen to the wisdom of your body, but not override it with blanket interventions.

If you’re not sure how to start listening to the wisdom of your body, I recommend starting with this movement-based meditation right here.

2. Move from fear into security and safety

One of the trendiest pieces of advice to “move anxiety out of your body” is to punch a pillow or scream as loud as you can. 

For f**k’s sake, please don’t follow this advice. 

It may feel really good in the moment, but it’s actually harmful advice for your body & nervous system in the long-term.

In order to understand why, you must first know that there are 2 layers to the Mobilization and Immobilization States (Fear vs. Without Fear).

Mobilization, also known as Fight/Flight, is a Sympathetic Nervous System State that’s actually very useful in deepening relationships when it’s activated WITHOUT fear.

Immobilization, a.k.a Freeze, is our Parasympathetic Nervous System Response that can be very healthy within ourselves and relationships when it’s activated WITHOUT fear.

Thus, the Healthy Habits vs. Unhealthy Habits that you see in the chart above.

A Fight/Flight – or Sympathetic Nervous System State – will produce unhealthy habits when in FEAR, or healthy habits when NOT in fear (top half of chart).

A Freeze or Parasympathetic State will produce unhealthy habits when in FEAR, or healthy habits when NOT in fear (bottom half of chart).

Screaming, fighting, and other aggressive mobilization of the body are unhealthy behaviors. Sure, it feels SO good (like a drug taking the edge off) in the short term to “get out that energy” and alleviate anxiety, but it is NOT conducive to a real, lasting healing.

Wouldn’t more people be healed by now if we could just simply scream or punch things?

To help your body move from fear to safety & security, try to implement the behaviors and actions that you see on the “healthy habits” side of the chart above.

3. Activate your social engagement system in therapy

According to Dr. Stephen Porges, a leading expert in the trauma field, we must strengthen the vagus nerve in order to be able to regulate our nervous systems and stay calm even in the face of conflict or stress. 

His research shows that in order to strengthen the vagus nerve, we must activate our social engagement system by engaging with others through smiling, having pleasant and calm interactions, and playing or moving together. 

These social interactions activate the neural circuits in our bodies that enhance our sense of safety by literally slowing down our heart rate and breathing, and drops our blood pressure to an optimal level, which eliminates the fear response. This makes us feel safe and able to move closer to other people, which reinforces even more calm, and rewires us for love, intimacy, safety, and excitement in relationships. 

In other words, rewiring our nervous systems must happen in a relationship.

But we can’t do this in ANY relationship. We can’t just appoint our friend or partner to be our unqualified therapist (even if they are a qualified therapist!). Believe me, I tried this. I subconsciously tried to heal with my husband when we began dating and he broke up with me because he failed at this job. We both got so frustrated because he wasn’t helping me in the way I truly needed, which was a very unfair expectation I placed on him.

Safe and healthy personal relationships can absolutely support our process of rewiring. However, it is crucial to have an outside professional be the primary relationship to help you access your trauma and release it safely.

This may be frustrating to hear if you’re set on healing trauma on your own. You might even have a strong reaction to hearing this. You might think, “I’m strong enough, I CAN do this on my own. I don’t need anyone else!” If you hear that voice, it’s probably coming from an old pattern of trauma where you needed to be fiercely independent, because you’ve already survived PLENTY on your own. 

But this isn’t personal. This is actual scientific reasoning why we can’t heal body-stored trauma on our own. It’s okay to get professional support. With the right therapist who can support you to heal safely, it’s a game changer!

Join our somatic retreat for polyamorous folks navigating trauma

The latest trauma research consistently shows that trauma gets stored in the non-verbal parts of our brain and body. If you’ve been in therapy or seeking support for a while, but you still feel that trauma is hijacking your nervous system & body’s responses, this is NOT your fault. A somatic, embodied approach is necessary to process & release trauma. Talking can only get us so far.

I am co-facilitating a Poly Retreat with Dedeker Winston (co-host of Multiamory Podcast), where we will be using somatic therapy practices to help you integrate and embody the ability to deeply love yourself and your partners through your poly journey. Our neuroscience-backed practices are effective in processing traumas, working through current non-monogamy challenges, and deeply celebrating your incredible & courageous journey of practicing open love!

Click here to learn more about our next Poly Somatic Healing Retreat!

By Orit Krug  |  June 7th, 2023

How do you know if polyamory is the right choice for you? Let’s talk about how to minimize confusion and hurt for everyone involved.

With only 5% of the population identifying as Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM), it is a bold, brave, and uncommon journey to be polyamorous. Depending on where you live, there may be little to no support for your lifestyle. If you muster up enough courage to tell your friends or family, they’ll likely challenge you with so many questions that can make you wonder if it’s the right choice at all.

Heck, if you do a quick search on the internet, you’ll find many articles claiming that polyamory is a trauma response, and a way for people to avoid confronting their unhealed pain. I’ll argue that this theory is often bullsh*t and quite the opposite of the truth. While unresolved trauma CAN be the impetus to becoming poly, this is not always the reason. Plus, if you practice polyamory in a conscious & embodied way, you have the opportunity to process & heal past trauma more deeply than ever before. 

More relationships – especially different kinds of relationships – will inevitably expose old attachment wounds that still need attention. With one partner, you may notice an intense need for validation. With another partner, you may witness yourself sabotaging a beautiful, strong connection because the intimacy scares you. Through polyamory, you may endure new traumas like heartbreak and grief. All of these situations provide a pathway to the most satisfying growth and relationships because they bring up what is unhealed within you. It gives you a “second chance” to relive old pain, but in a way that ends up in repair and unconditional love instead.

On the other hand, you may be getting into polyamory in a way that’s unhealthy for you and those around you. If you’re practicing polyamory as a way to avoid issues in your current relationships – especially the relationship with yourself – then it’s likely that you are dating multiple people as a trauma response and a way to avoid pain. In order to make sure you’re practicing polyamory for the right reasons, let’s dive into the 3 signs that this could be the right choice for you.

Polyamory for beginners: 5 signs you’re doing it for the right reasons

The following reasons include, but are not limited to, 5 strong indicators that you are doing polyamory for the right reasons.

1. You want to be challenged to heal more deeply as an individual.

You understand the challenges that polyamory has to offer and you don’t take them lightly. You see each relationship obstacle as an opportunity to learn something deeper about yourself and heal unresolved wounds. You’re aware that when you experience very difficult emotions or situations through poly relationships, they serve as pathways that lead to an even more healed and evolved version of you.

You may be afraid of the interpersonal and internal challenges you’ll face in polyamory. You may want to give up sometimes. But ultimately, you know that this is exactly why you chose this life, and you cannot wait to see how much you grow once you work through each hardship.

2. You want to become even closer with your partner.

While your relationship with your current partner is healthy and strong, you recognize that polyamory will expose parts of your relationship that need improvement. You’ve discussed with your partner the potential risks of polyamory that could challenge your connection or commitment to each other. You’ve taken time to talk through many of these potential obstacles and have a general idea of how you will approach them together. You have an overall commitment to approaching and navigating your open relationship as a team.

If you are having serious issues in your current relationship, you recognize that polyamory is not a cure for these issues. You are very aware that becoming open or polyamorous could accelerate the downfall of your relationship if you are not careful. If you resonate with this, you may want to consider becoming polyamorous with the close and professional support of a therapist.

3. You recognize that something is missing in yourself or your relationship.

Relationship expert Esther Perel talks about how we couldn’t possibly be our partner’s “everything.” If you feel that there’s an emotional, physical, or sexual aspect missing from your relationship, then this is normal. You may be inclined to explore polyamory to get more needs met by other partners. While this is a completely common and valid reason, it’s important to make sure you’re not becoming poly to fill a deeper void inside of you or your relationship.

When you rely on something external to fill something inside of you or your relationship, it inevitably creates relationship problems and disappointment. We can look to additional relationships to compound the love and joy we already feel within, but if we feel empty or deeply unhappy without these partners, there may be a deeper issue inside that is important to heal. This doesn’t mean you have to wait until you are completely happy within yourself to seek additional relationships, but it’s crucial to be careful not to expect or rely on partners to fill a void for you.

In polyamory, new partners can increase sexual satisfaction and enjoyment after having sex with the same partner for a long time. You may start to date someone who enjoys physical intimacy in a way your current partner does not. A long term secondary partner can provide you a sense of having more reliable people in your life to count on during emotional hardships. There are plenty of benefits to having additional partners (as well as challenges!).

In regards to feeling a missing piece within yourself, polyamory can also fulfill some of your individual needs. Maybe you’ve been swept away in serious, adult responsibility for too long, and you want to reignite a sense of freedom and play in your life. You can absolutely experience that through poly dating and social events.  The permission to talk to, flirt with, and date whoever you want can be highly liberating in itself. Just remember that polyamory can help facilitate these feelings you’re craving and should not be a cure-all for them. 

Ultimately, the feelings you’re searching for are created and experienced inside of you. Relationships, play parties, social mixers, etc can be the gateways to achieving these feelings.

4. You want a second chance to experience relationships in a way you weren’t allowed to before.

Due to upbringing, religion, culture, and socioeconomic status, many of us were not allowed to experience relationships in the way we truly wanted in our early adult years. Maybe you were taught that you must only date one person at a time. However, you had a deep desire to date multiple people at once. Perhaps you wanted to take partners out on lavish dates, but you could barely afford to buy clothes for yourself.

In my parents’ strict Jewish upbringing, I was “not allowed” to date anyone who wasn’t Jewish. The lack of religious, cultural, and ethnic variety in my dating history has left me curious and wanting to connect with many other walks of life – spiritually, professionally, emotionally, physically and sexually. 

Like many other women, I also received constant messages that I would be shamed as a “slut” if I slept around too much. Because of this fear, I held back for most of my single years. I turned down opportunities for fear of ridicule, judgment, and ostracizing. Even as I toned down my desires, I was still called a slut for flirting with and dating a variety of men in my young adult years.

If you have a similar story, you may feel like you missed out on some crucial developmental milestones in your romantic or sexual life. Polyamory can be your time to reclaim that part of your life without so much fear or shame.

5. Polyamory aligns with who you are.

You have an inner-knowing and deep intuitive sense that polyamory is not a choice, but it is who you are. Monogamy never felt quite right to you. For as long as you can remember, you’ve wanted to date multiple people at the same time, and it felt wrong to commit to just one partner. Maybe you’ve only recently discovered the term “Polyamory” but it’s what you’ve been practicing and identifying with all along. It feels like a huge relief to discover that there is actually a name for it!

Following your authentic desire and inner-knowing to be poly feels like living your true calling. It might be scary to hear what other people think or how they might reject your way of being, but ultimately you have no doubt that this is exactly who you are.

A healthy approach to ENM and polyamory for beginners

Whether you’re at the beginning of your poly journey or further along, it’s important to traverse this path in a highly conscious and embodied way. For most people, poly life will stir up unresolved trauma and attachment wounds. It’s crucial to have the right foundation and inner-tools to navigate them. If you get swept away by intense triggers and emotions, you could potentially sabotage your current growth within yourself and your relationships.

I recommend my self-paced course called Ethical Non-Monogamy, Polyamory and Open Relationships: A Healthy Approach. You’ll learn body-based techniques to navigate ENM-related challenges, so that you don’t risk incurring further trauma or sabotage opportunities for deeper love and joy within your relationships.

You can click here for more information or click the picture below.