5 signs you have a fear of intimacy and how you can release that fear
By Orit Krug | June 3rd, 2020
Is your fear of intimacy getting in the way of having a healthy loving relationship with your partner?
Your fear of intimacy most likely stems from past trauma stored in the body.
You know in your mind that you want to be closer to your partner emotionally, physically, or sexually. But the moment it happens, red sirens go off in your body, and before you know it, you’re pushing them away again.
It’s NOT your fault. You’ve been so hurt and betrayed in the past that your nervous system is now wired to automatically defend against your partner, even though they’re just trying to love you in the healthiest way.
The good news is that you can rewire your nervous system to release your fear of intimacy, no matter what kind of trauma you’ve been through in the past.
Let’s look at 5 signs which indicate that you have a fear of intimacy and how to release it:
1. You reject your partner’s acts of love.
You feel awkward whenever your partner compliments you. You get in your head and wonder, what do they REALLY mean when they say “you look nice”? Maybe they actually think I look weird but they don’t want to hurt my feelings, so they cover it up with a fake compliment.
Maybe your partner likes to give you gifts and you immediately suspect that they did something wrong. You might question if they’re hiding something or have an ulterior motive.
Or they simply do nice things for you and you feel an intense pressure to reciprocate equally or with a grander gesture. You worry that you’re not doing enough instead of just taking in how much they love and appreciate you.
2. You lack physical affection in your relationship.
You tense up and feel awkward whenever your partner puts their hand on your shoulder or around your waist. You’re never quite comfortable with their touch and you might even flinch when they put their hands on you.
This has created a pattern in your relationship where your partner has become guarded and afraid to give you more physical affection because they’ve learned that you don’t like it, even though you deeply crave it.
At this point, you want to create a stronger physical connection, but you’re afraid to reach out for a hug because you don’t know if your partner will reach back. You might even blame them for not showing you enough physical affection, but if you look more closely and honestly, you might discover that it was actually you who started this pattern.
3. You get defensive when your partner expresses their needs to you.
They might ask you to get off your phone and pay more attention to them. They might ask you to spend more quality time with them. Whatever it is, they want MORE from you because they constantly feel that you’re checked out of the relationship
Instead of appreciating how they want more of your amazingness, you automatically get defensive and think “Ugh, I messed up again. They’re gonna leave me.” or “I can’t make them happy. I’m never good enough.”
You make it all about you and go into old victim patterns. Instead of staying connected in the conversation, even when it’s uncomfortable, you get in your head and emotionally block them out. This is a defense mechanism that prevents you from being present, listening, and taking in their attempt to be more emotionally intimate with you.
4. Conflict is HARD for you.
A huge part of emotional intimacy is having the ability to stay connected with your partner through conflict so that you can become even closer as a result of working through it together.
Your fear of intimacy shows up when you yell, get aggressive and basically lose your sh*t whenever you have a disagreement. You might escape and lock yourself in another room. Or maybe you freeze up like a deer in the headlights and say nothing at all.
These are nervous system reactions that hijack your behaviors in the moment of conflict because your body doesn’t feel safe with this level of closeness and raw-ness.
5. You check out during sex.
You know those sex scenes in movies where they are looking deeply into each other’s eyes through the WHOLE thing? Does that freak you out?
If you physically freeze up, start making to-do lists, or compulsively talk through sex, then you’re avoiding one of the greatest opportunities to have a deep and intimate connection with your partner. All of these responses serve you to LEAVE your body and go into your head because the intimacy is too intense for you.
Maybe you don’t even have much sex (or at all) with your partner. You have trouble initiating or you reject your partner when they try. This is another sign that your nervous system and body will do whatever it takes to avoid this level of intimacy in your relationship.
If you identify with one or more of these signs, you might be feeling a little overwhelmed right now.
You might even feel broken or like damaged goods. I assure you that you are NOT.
Your past trauma is the driving force behind your fear of intimacy and it is completely possible for you to release it when you do it through your body.
You may have previously tried to talk yourself into believing that you’re now safe. That your partner is nothing like the ones who hurt you in the past. But until your BODY releases the old trauma and eliminates the belief that all intimacy ends in painful heartbreak, you won’t be able to fully break through these fears.
If you’d like to learn more about how you can release trauma from your body and rewire your nervous system, so you can let your guard down and have a fulfilling, sexy, connected relationship with your partner, then sign up for my online course (ranges from free to $20 USD) to begin a unique, body-based learning experience that will teach you:
- Science-backed education about how trauma is stored in your body and nervous system. You’ll gain an understanding why it has NOT been your fault you haven’t healed yet from past trauma.
- Gentle, guided body-based movement that is necessary for integrated healing. This is crucial if you want your mind’s intentions to match your body’s behaviors in relationships.
- An embodied approach to healing that has helped hundreds of clients break unhealthy relationship patterns and let in healthy, lasting love.
