A simple trick to let your guard down in relationships
By Orit Krug | November 22, 2018
Let’s talk about how to let your guard down in your relationship, even if you’ve been really hurt in the past.
Today, I’d love to talk to you about how your posture might be adding to the guard that you put up with your partner, because of past trauma.
You might initially think, “Oh, I’ve been sitting this way, or standing this way for years. It’s just who I am. It’s just how I hold my body.” But there’s so much more meaning to how you hold your posture. And changing your posture may significantly help you let your guard down in relationships.
Allow me to explain:
A client once told me that when she hunches over, she feels like she’s shielding her heart. It helped her feel safe in the interactions with her partner.
Something that I noticed about myself is that I stick my neck out and my head in front of my shoulders. My partner used to always gently nudge me to fix my posture, but it’s so hard to change. My posture is a physical manifestation of my past abuse.
I spent most of my life looking out for danger because of past trauma.
It’s like I’ve had to check the room before I could really let my body enter it.
My head observes and checks the room before I let my body walk in. I stick my neck out in front of me because I needed to make sure that I would be safe wherever I went.
Even though I’m not an abusive relationship anymore, I still hold my body this way because I did it for so many years.
There’s a sense of safety in this posture that helps me feel like I can control any potential traumatic situations.
But because I’m still doing it, it reinforces the trauma that’s held in my body. I’m acting as if the trauma is still around, but it actually isn’t. My rigid posture doesn’t allow me to make some movement in letting it go.
So, I want to ask you…
Does your posture feel awkward? How is it still protecting you from the trauma you experienced a long time ago?
Protecting yourself and keeping yourself safe is a necessary part of being a human being, but if you’re particularly struggling with not being able to move forward from your past trauma, then this is worth paying attention.
We hold ourselves through our posture every waking moment. Bringing awareness to this can make such a big difference.
Maybe you hold up your shoulders. It’s like your nervous system is in a freeze response, where your whole body becomes full of tension. This is because if you were an animal and there was a predator around, your body would instinctively become very tight and tense so that you’d be unappetizing to eat.
If you intentionally tensed up your shoulders right now, you’ll feel that it hurts when you do it for more than a few seconds. You likely do this all the time to a point that it becomes subconscious. For many trauma survivors, it’s worth the pain. It helps you feel safer than if you were to let go of all of that tension.
The first steps to finally letting your guard down.
The first step to let your guard down and let go is to notice what feels awkward about your posture. Notice it day after day, for a while.
If you hold your shoulders up really high, start by noticing it every time. Don’t criticize yourself, don’t judge – let the mind stuff go.
If you wanna double check the room to make sure it’s safe, do that! Make sure there’s no real danger around by looking around the space, so that you can relax into this.
Once you’ve identified where your posture feels off, it’s time to explore other possibilities. Play with this, and have fun in the mirror if you need to, because putting too much stress on this can defeat the purpose.
Remind yourself that in this moment, “I am safe” and bring your shoulders down. Notice this when you’re driving, talking to people, at the computer, at your desk.
There are so many different stressors that come up just by scrolling social media. It’s important to pay attention to your posture while you’re on your phone.
There’s no right or wrong way to change your posture if you’re doing it from a relaxed, aware state. Just release the tension and then write down any feelings that come up when you do.
Over time, you’ll see that you do it really naturally, until you’ve changed your posture for good.
You deserve to find peace in your body & let love in without fear.
The latest trauma research shows that cognitive-based therapies cannot fully access trauma stored in the non-verbal brain and body. Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain-Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal trauma from the physical body or nervous system.
This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for many people. They end up feeling stuck, even after spending decades of therapy and gaining so much self-awareness.
If you relate, you might’ve considered giving up on your healing. You might wonder if a fully integrated healing is not possible for you.
Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing deeply & wholly, because we all have neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection to love, joy, and openness.
But even with an effective neuroscience-backed Somatic approach, going to weekly sessions could still require many more months or years until you feel that “click” in your body that finally makes you feel WHOLE.
That’s why I run Somatic Trauma Healing Retreats where many people experience accelerated, integrated, and lasting healing in just a few days.
(Disclaimer: each attendee must go through an application process that ensures this accelerated healing is possible for them).
If this sounds like something you might be interested in, I’d love to invite you to check out my retreats! There are several options from women’s healing, plant-assisted, 1:1, and more.
