By Orit Krug  |  July 24th, 2023

Do you suspect that you or your partners are showing signs of avoidant attachment through polyamory?

Polyamory has a tendency to trigger our deepest attachment wounds. Even if you’ve been securely attached to a partner for some time, it’s possible to suddenly experience a resurfacing of avoidant attachment through other relationships.

Avoidant attachment behaviors typically include:

• Avoidance or discomfort with emotional intimacy 
• Feeling threatened by partners wanting more closeness (they may see them as “clingy”)
• Withdrawing and isolating during conflict
• Suppressing emotions
• Unwillingness to deal with pain and trauma from past or present 

Avoidant attachment behaviors are usually triggered or intensified when one is in relationship with a partner who has anxious attachment. The avoidant may “push and pull” or be “hot and cold.” There’s typically a dance between showing immense affection vs. being cold or distant. 

If you feel that any of your partners are displaying avoidant attachment behaviors, you may feel confused, anxious, and pushing or pressuring for more closeness in the relationship. It can feel extremely difficult to approach this issue in the context of polyamory, since there are typically multiple relationships happening at the same time. 

In this blog post, I will aim to provide as much clarity as possible regarding how to know if your partner is displaying avoidant attachment in polyamory, and how to navigate it in the healthiest way possible.

4 signs your partner is displaying avoidant attachment in polyamory

The internet has an abundance of information on how people display avoidant attachment in monogamous relationships, but how does it show up specifically in polyamory? Here are 4 signs:

1. They say they don’t practice hierarchy, but it’s clear that they do.

The avoidant may do this for several reasons. First, they may say they don’t practice hierarchy to make sure you feel “special” & “important” enough. They may want more of your attention and sway you to practice non-hierarchy too. But once you show more intimacy and closeness, they become threatened and pull away from your connection. Suddenly, you see that they’re prioritizing other partners over you. 

This is a way for them to create distance, because being close feels too threatening. They have learned from a young age that intimacy only ends in hurt, and pulling away is the only safe solution (as opposed to the anxiously attached, who respond by clinging harder).

The avoidant may also claim that they don’t practice hierarchy to prevent you from becoming too close from the onset of your relationship. If they have you understand that you won’t get preferential treatment, then maybe you’ll ask for less from them. This can be a relief for the avoidant who believes that they’ll inevitably let you down, based on their inability to be there for past partners, and the “knowing” that everyone else has let them down throughout their life.

Lastly, they may have an ideal desire to give all partners “equal” affection and attention, but in reality, intimacy and emotional closeness with multiple partners feels threatening and overwhelming. They flip-flop between practicing hierarchy and prioritizing different partners, based on their game of push-and-pull with each of them.

The avoidant doesn’t do this to be intentionally cruel, but it’s the only way they know how to respond in order to protect their feelings or cope with conflict. Deep down, they truly do want closeness with partners, but it doesn’t actually feel safe. Thus, the avoidant patterns continue.

2. They say they don’t want any more partners, but they’re still actively looking.

Similar to #1, this behavior is a result of their desire to pull you in, but inevitably they push you away once you get too close. They may feel incredibly fulfilled with you at the beginning of your relationship, to the point that they stop looking for other partners. But then they flip once you get too close or there’s conflict. They cope with their fear of intimacy with you, by focusing more on others. Instead of having a vulnerable conversation with you about what’s bothering them, they channel their energy into dating others.

It’s a red flag when your partner constantly says one thing but does something else that doesn’t match their words. There’s often a reason for the mismatch between what they say and what they do. If you gently approach this issue, the avoidant will usually avoid talking about it. That’s another indication that your partner is displaying avoidant attachment behaviors.

3. They say they love to have multiple partners, but they have difficulty following up on commitments with them.

While polyamory can feel like a dream come true and a huge relief to so many people, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. While avoidants are typically excited to “be allowed” to have multiple partners, they usually have a difficult time living out their poly dream.

Your partner may be enthusiastic about giving lots of love and care for multiple partners, but in reality, they can be neglectful and avoidant. While they say they deeply love and care for you (and other partners), they lack the ability to be consistently close, stay present through conflict, or be truly supportive of your needs. 

They may avoid making plans or cancel plans as they become overwhelmed with making too many commitments. They also lack consistency in responding to texts or calls, when they had previously been more present. They tend to isolate or withdraw for periods of time in order to deal with conflict on their own (or with the support of other partners). Then, they’re present again once they’re less vulnerable or expending less energy repressing their emotions.

4. They’re transparent and insightful about their poly challenges, but when it comes to conflict between you two, they claim they’re fine.

You know when you meet someone who talks so insightfully about themselves? They have so much self-awareness about their needs and challenges. It makes you think, “Wow, they really know themselves. They’ve really worked on themselves.” It gives you the green light to become closer because, surely, they’d be able to handle closeness and conflict if you were to deepen your relationship. Unfortunately, this can be highly misleading. 

Your avoidant partner may seem to have an impressive level of self-awareness. They may even identify that they have an avoidant attachment type. They can discuss the ways in which they’re able to work through it. But the truth is, they do not follow through when it comes to conflict with you. They either avoid conflict altogether, or say that everything is fine. This is the avoidant’s way of suppressing emotions, relying on only themselves to resolve conflict, and closing down instead of trusting you & opening up.

This may be one of the most frustrating traits. You may have been under the illusion that your partner was healthy and skilled enough to work through the hard stuff with you. In reality, they’ve learned a lot of terms from Instagram or podcasts; they’ve read a lot of books to identify their issues; and maybe they’ve talked a lot in therapy. They know how to tell you what you love to hear, but they can’t actually follow through.

In addition, they may open up to their other partners about your conflict, instead of you. They may feel safer to talk to them because they’ve built a sense of trust and intimacy that you two haven’t reached yet.

What to do if your partner is displaying avoidant attachment in polyamory

There’s an abundance of advice online about how to navigate a relationship with an avoidant attachment type. But how is this different when you and your partner are polyamorous?

In general, your partner’s avoidant patterns may increase your anxiety about the relationship. You may feel an urge to cling harder, gain clarity, and push for answers. Unfortunately, this would usually only push away the avoidant partner, especially one who is poly.

As a recovering anxious attachment type, polyamory has been a huge healing opportunity for me to approach avoidant partners in a much healthier way. When I was previously monogamous with avoidant partners, I constantly freaked out because we weren’t climbing the relationship escalator at a rate that society conditioned me to believe was necessary. When my avoidant partners wanted to move slower, or take more space, I tried to force and pressure us to move faster. I wanted to find “my one” and lock them down.

Now, as I break free from monogamous conditioning, I’ve learned that each of my poly relationships will move differently. I’m much more settled in a fluid situation, where sometimes we communicate daily, and, at other times, a week will go by with no exchange. I’m not saying that I want my primary relationships to look like this; in fact, I crave and desire reliability and consistency in many of my poly relationships.

However, I can still feel so in love and secure in relationships that aren’t as “secure.” Even without a label or much structure, I rarely blame myself or my worth. I witness what’s happening in the relationship and I accept what my avoidant partners are currently available for. If I have enough of a desire to be with them, I’ll go with the flow. If the situation feels too triggering, I may decide to work through those triggers on my own, or decide the relationship isn’t for me (right now).

In the relationships where I choose to stay with the avoidant partner, my needs are still met. Because I let go of expectations and I’m so accepting of them, they are more open and accepting of me and my needs. Thus, the trust grows deeper, the foundation gets stronger, and we end up building a strong, secure attachment to each other anyway (NOTE: Jessica Fern, author of Polysecure, says that it takes at least 2 years to build a secure attachment with partners. It is wise to take your time in all relationships, especially with avoidant partners).

It’s important to note that there can be a fine line between avoidant patterns vs. toxic, manipulative, and subtly abusive behaviors. The 4 signs mentioned earlier in this post can be an innocent reflection of the avoidant partner’s misalignment between what they want and what they can actually provide. However, if they are using tactics to try to bring you closer and carelessly pushing you away, this is concerning.

Ultimately, you have to assess and decide if the situation is healthy for you or not. If your partner is honest about what they can and can’t provide, then they’ve given you the information you need to know. If they keep giving you mixed signals, knowingly hurting you, and unable to shift their patterns, then perhaps it’s not a healthy relationship for you to continue. If you’re unsure, or the relationship is causing you too much harm (but you can’t seem to leave), I encourage you to seek professional support.

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