Do you feel like a control freak in relationships? Here’s WHY and what to do about it.
By Orit Krug | April 16th, 2019
Let’s talk about why you REALLY feel like a control freak in relationships.
Being a control freak in relationships can look like a lot of different things to different people…
Maybe you remind your partner to do the dishes 3 times in 24 hours because you don’t trust them to do what you asked.
Or you tell them to come home RIGHT after picking up dinner because you’re worried they’ll flirt with that cute waitress.
We feel short-term relief when we gain control because, well … we think we have it under control. But it harms us so much more in the long run.
Control is like an addiction.
It creates a false illusion that everything’s okay because you took control. You’ve reminded your partner to take out the trash 7 times and he finally did it, so you believe you NEEDED to control the situation in order to see your desired results.
You start to believe, “he did the dishes only because I nagged him. I HAD to remind him 3 times in ONE day!”
That sets us up and the control freak in relationships starts to need more control for even more detrimental things, like who they talk to at work or how they eyed their attractive friend.
But the thing is, you don’t HAVE to remind them to take out the trash in the first place if your partner truly cares about your feelings. If they don’t do what you ask, they know you’ll get upset. They want do it for you, if not for themselves.
They want to meet your needs, but they just might not do it as fast as you want. Give your partner the occasional reminder and see if you can let go a little bit.
Here’s the deeper issue though…
Your inner control freak thinks it’s protecting you from heartbreak.
When you’ve been heartbroken, manipulated or abused in past relationships, then you hold onto that deep traumatic experience of losing control and getting really hurt.
Your body remembers these experiences on a nonverbal subconscious level, especially if this happened over 20 years ago or when you were a child. Your whole being now believes that you’re not safe when you don’t have power or control.
Your nervous system takes over and reacts with really high-stress responses when your partner does ANYTHING that even remotely triggers a SENSE of past hurt. And because your will to survive always wins, you cannot convince yourself that “everything’s fine” even when you rationally know that your current partner is nothing like the last ones.
Being a control freak in relationships feels really f**king good on a deep primal level.
So there might be a part of you that HATES feeling like a control freak, but let’s also lovingly acknowledge that part of you that loves having some power.
When all your power was stripped away from you in the past, it feels especially good to get it back.
Maybe you’ve been in situations where if you even TRIED to regain control, you’d suffer some serious consequences.
Even though my brothers were twice my size, I used to hit them back, and they hit me back 3x harder than the original strike. I had no way of gaining control without getting even more hurt.
So when I started dating my prince of a husband, I knew I had the opportunity to have some power against a man, for the first time ever!
I took my anger and trauma from the past and put it all on him, even though he treats me like a queen.
I really hurt him and at one point he asked to break up. I just hated myself for not being able to snap out of it. ALL of the evidence said he was an amazing guy, but I had a greater need for control and I couldn’t talk myself into letting go of my newly acquired power.
So while it feels great to have a safe relationship where you can finally exert control, you need to learn how to feel that from an EMPOWERED place vs. a “screw men, I’m in charge now!” place.
Your body can help you to start letting go of that negative control.
Let’s use the example of asking your partner to do the dishes. Imagine that you’ve already asked them twice.
What would it be like to hold yourself back and not give that third reminder?
What comes up for you in your body? What sensations come up for you?
When you understand the feelings that come from your body, you gain the key to unravel your need for control because we all react to our body sensations FIRST.
We react to alleviate our anxiety when our hearts race or chest tightens. When we have unresolved trauma in relationships, we associate that anxiety with our current partner even if they did nothing wrong.
So observe your sensations right now as you imagine letting go of control. See how they come up and how you want to move TO them, instead of them moving YOU and controlling how your body behaves.
When you give yourself the imagined experience of letting go of control and move with it, you allow your nonverbal subconscious to understand that you’re in charge and it’s safe.
Get on the right path to healing trauma from your body and nervous system.
Many people spend decades and thousands of dollars in traditional therapies trying to heal their trauma. Unfortunately, even the most popular therapies are scientifically shown to be limited in accessing trauma stored in the non-verbal brain and body.
Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal from the physical body or the nervous system.
This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for so many people. They often blame themselves for being “un-healable” and decide that they’re broken.
This is NOT true!
Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing from the past, because we all have wiring and neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection, to love and openness.
My unique, scientific-backed process via Dance Therapy has helped hundreds of clients finally heal from past trauma and transform their relationship (even after decades of trying in other therapies).
You can heal too, but you need the right methodology.
Sign up for my online course (ranges from free to $20 USD) to begin a unique, body-based learning experience that will teach you:
- Science-backed education about how trauma is stored in your body and nervous system. You’ll gain an understanding why it has NOT been your fault you haven’t healed yet from past trauma.
- Gentle, guided body-based movement that is necessary for integrated healing. This is crucial if you want your mind’s intentions to match your body’s behaviors in relationships.
- An embodied approach to healing that has helped hundreds of clients break unhealthy relationship patterns and let in healthy, lasting love.
