5 signs you have a fear of intimacy and how you can release that fear
By Orit Krug | June 3rd, 2020
Is your fear of intimacy getting in the way of having a healthy loving relationship with your partner?
Your fear of intimacy most likely stems from past trauma stored in the body.
You know in your mind that you want to be closer to your partner emotionally, physically, or sexually. But the moment it happens, red sirens go off in your body, and before you know it, you’re pushing them away again.
It’s NOT your fault. You’ve been so hurt and betrayed in the past that your nervous system is now wired to automatically defend against your partner, even though they’re just trying to love you in the healthiest way.
The good news is that you can rewire your nervous system to release your fear of intimacy, no matter what kind of trauma you’ve been through in the past.
Let’s look at 5 signs which indicate that you have a fear of intimacy and how to release it:
1. You reject your partner’s acts of love.
You feel awkward whenever your partner compliments you. You get in your head and wonder, what do they REALLY mean when they say “you look nice”? Maybe they actually think I look weird but they don’t want to hurt my feelings, so they cover it up with a fake compliment.
Maybe your partner likes to give you gifts and you immediately suspect that they did something wrong. You might question if they’re hiding something or have an ulterior motive.
Or they simply do nice things for you and you feel an intense pressure to reciprocate equally or with a grander gesture. You worry that you’re not doing enough instead of just taking in how much they love and appreciate you.
2. You lack physical affection in your relationship.
You tense up and feel awkward whenever your partner puts their hand on your shoulder or around your waist. You’re never quite comfortable with their touch and you might even flinch when they put their hands on you.
This has created a pattern in your relationship where your partner has become guarded and afraid to give you more physical affection because they’ve learned that you don’t like it, even though you deeply crave it.
At this point, you want to create a stronger physical connection, but you’re afraid to reach out for a hug because you don’t know if your partner will reach back. You might even blame them for not showing you enough physical affection, but if you look more closely and honestly, you might discover that it was actually you who started this pattern.
3. You get defensive when your partner expresses their needs to you.
They might ask you to get off your phone and pay more attention to them. They might ask you to spend more quality time with them. Whatever it is, they want MORE from you because they constantly feel that you’re checked out of the relationship.
Instead of appreciating how they want more of your amazingness, you automatically get defensive and think “Ugh, I messed up again. They’re gonna leave me.” or “I can’t make them happy. I’m never good enough.”
You make it all about you and go into old victim patterns. Instead of staying connected in the conversation, even when it’s uncomfortable, you get in your head and emotionally block them out. This is a defense mechanism that prevents you from being present, listening, and taking in their attempt to be more emotionally intimate with you.
4. Conflict is HARD for you.
A huge part of emotional intimacy is having the ability to stay connected with your partner through conflict so that you can become even closer as a result of working through it together.
Your fear of intimacy shows up when you yell, get aggressive and basically lose your sh*t whenever you have a disagreement. You might escape and lock yourself in another room. Or maybe you freeze up like a deer in the headlights and say nothing at all.
These are nervous system reactions that hijack your behaviors in the moment of conflict because your body doesn’t feel safe with this level of closeness and raw-ness.
5. You check out during sex.
You know those sex scenes in movies where they are looking deeply into each other’s eyes through the WHOLE thing? Does that freak you out?
If you physically freeze up, start making to-do lists, or compulsively talk through sex, then you’re avoiding one of the greatest opportunities to have a deep and intimate connection with your partner. All of these responses serve you to LEAVE your body and go into your head because the intimacy feels unsafe or is too intense for you.
Maybe you don’t even have much sex (or at all) with your partner. You have trouble initiating or you reject your partner when they try. This is another sign that your nervous system and body will do whatever it takes to avoid this level of intimacy in your relationship.
You deserve to find peace in your body & let love in without fear.
The latest trauma research shows that cognitive-based therapies cannot fully access trauma stored in the non-verbal brain and body. Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain-Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal trauma from the physical body or nervous system.
This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for many people. They end up feeling stuck, even after spending decades of therapy and gaining so much self-awareness.
If you relate, you might’ve considered giving up on your healing. You might wonder if a fully integrated healing is not possible for you.
Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing deeply & wholly, because we all have neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection to love, joy, and openness.
But even with an effective neuroscience-backed Somatic approach, going to weekly sessions could still require many more months or years until you feel that “click” in your body that finally makes you feel WHOLE.
That’s why I run Somatic Trauma Healing Retreats where many people experience accelerated, integrated, and lasting healing in just a few days.
(Disclaimer: each attendee must go through an application process that ensures this accelerated healing is possible for them).
If this sounds like something you might be interested in, I’d love to invite you to check out my retreats! There are several options from women’s healing, plant-assisted, 1:1, and more.
