How do I tell my partner I’m upset without it becoming a massive fight?
By Orit Krug | July 24th, 2023
Can you be upset with your partner without it becoming a massive fight?
Many women lose their power when they say they’re upset but then apologize for their feelings (this defeats the purpose of communicating their needs).
Others will go into fight mode and become verbally aggressive, which makes their partner instinctively fight back or shut down.
The key to expressing your frustration without fighting is to stay in your power and be ASSERTIVE.
What’s the difference between being assertive vs. aggressive and how do you communicate this when you’re upset with your partner?
Here’s an example of being assertive (see video above), “I’m really mad that you went out of the house for 4 hours without telling me where you’re going, what you were doing, and not responding at all to my texts while you were out. That is really not okay with me.”
An aggressive version of this might sound like, “Where did you go?! What did you do?!” While possibly cursing and yelling through angry interrogation.
Both versions express your anger, right?
But when you’re aggressive, you’re out of control. Your voice, words, and your body become hijacked by the fight response in your body and your partner has no choice but to also physiologically respond to you in fight, flight, or freeze.
It might be hard to REALLY know the difference if you’re like me and you grew up around constant acts of aggression within your family (passive aggression counts!), but it’s important to fix this NOW.
Constant fighting slowly kills you, your partner and your relationship altogether.
It’s highly stressful and exhausting for your nervous system to go into survival mode every time you fight. It releases cortisol and weakens your immune system. When this happens ALL the time, it makes you and/or your partner sick in the long run.
Even after the fight is over and you’re filled with regret about the things you said or you’re both constantly on guard because you never know when the next attack will be… this takes a LOT of energy out of you. Yes, it takes a lot out of you to be upset with your partner.
The good news is that there is a WAY to express your anger and get your needs met without so much stress.
When you’re assertive, you’re in COMMAND of your response and you get to choose what you say.
There’s a big misconception, especially for women, that we have to choose angry OR calm. If you express your anger, then you’re a “b*tch.” That’s the message we get from most men, the media, etc.
F*ck that!
You can express your anger AND be calm. You do not have to shut down your feelings because others are uncomfortable when you speak up in your power.
There’s actually a physiological state in your body where you can be in a sympathetic response (fight/flight) AND be calm & regulated. That’s exactly what being assertive is about.
Being assertive is the key to getting what you want in your relationship without constantly fighting.
When you’re assertive, you choose the words you say, how loud you say them, and what your body is doing as you say them.
Being assertive means you’re regulated and present enough to notice when your PARTNER is getting dysregulated, so you can walk away or stop the conversation before sh*t hits the fan.
Imagine how empowering it is to be in the driver’s seat of your interactions together, without losing control or apologizing for your feelings.
Even if you can’t imagine your partner NOT reacting, no matter what, they will eventually adapt and co-regulate to your calm nervous system state, and your relationship will feel totally different and more peaceful.
Let’s start changing this right here, right now.
If you feel comfortable, close your eyes or lower your gaze.
Imagine yourself being assertive with your partner. You tell your partner that you’re upset in a really calm, direct, powerful, and honest way. You say exactly what’s on your mind.
How are you standing? What are your hand and body movements like? How close or far are you in physical distance? What’s the tone and volume in your voice?
Visualize this for a few minutes.
Now, take note of the answers to the questions above.
Maybe you’re standing really tall and your movements are more direct and strong, but not threatening. Whatever images came to your mind and body – remember that.
Now, change the scene. Now you’re in this aggressive mode: angry, yelling, possibly cursing at your partner.
How do you look now? What’s your body doing now? What are your movements like now?
When I do this for myself, I picture my arms flailing in all different directions and my body is slouched over.
These feel VERY different when I do this exercise myself. The first scenario feels powerful and confident while the latter makes me feel embarrassed and sad.
Assertive and aggressive are two very different states & ways of being in our physical bodies.
This is why having a script and practicing what you’ll SAY rarely makes a difference, because when the moment comes, your body takes over.
But if you can understand the way your physical body behaves in conflict with your partner, then you’ll be in a much better position to make a lasting change to this pattern.
So I encourage you to do this visualization over and over again and note the differences in your body so you’re aware of what needs to change. Your body is the difference that your partner can see and mirror, so that you BOTH remain calm and confident, without impulsively attacking each other.
If you find that you are still impulsively reacting or shutting down with your partner, then this is a strong sign that your nervous system must be rewired in order for you to change your behaviors.
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