I feel unloved in my relationship – What do I do?
By Orit Krug | March 2nd, 2022
Do you often think, “I feel unloved” when reflecting on your relationship?
Are you wondering if it’s because your partner doesn’t actually love you? Or have you struggled with feeling unloved no matter how good your relationship gets?
I remember feeling unloved at the beginning of my relationship with my husband. I constantly sought reassurance from him. I needed him to PROVE that he cared about me and wouldn’t leave me.
Unfortunately, this created resentment between us. There was a big hole inside of me that he could not fill no matter how much he tried.
Words didn’t help me feel loved. Acts of service weren’t enough. His physical affection was great, but that all went out the window whenever we wanted different levels of intimacy.
There was a huge void inside of me that nobody outside of me could satisfy. Which got even worse when my partner started pulling away. He didn’t have much left to give and we both started to feel hopeless after I told him a thousand times that I would break my unhealthy patterns of seeking validation.
What causes you to feel unloved in your relationship?
If you know you’re in a healthy, loving relationship but you still feel unloved, this is a strong indication of unresolved trauma.
Most of my clients experienced their first trauma in childhood. That means that their parents, or primary caretakers, who were supposed to love them and protect them, abandoned them instead.
When you’re a child and one of your parents abandons or neglects their love or care for you, who do you blame?
Yourself.
You think, “It’s my fault.”
“They must not love me. I’m not loveable.”
You develop this deep subconscious belief that YOU are not enough and THAT is why you’ve experienced such betrayal and hurt.
You start to say and do anything to seek love and approval from others, wherever & however you can get it.
You build a pattern where the only way to feel loved is through other people’s actions.
Your entire sense of self-worth becomes dependent on what others do.
But it isn’t enough. Even if you get a few minutes of validation and satisfaction, you quickly go back to thoughts and feelings that you aren’t enough. You aren’t worthy of love.
This is why your partner can move the entire world for you, and you still won’t feel loved.
Because you don’t love yourself.
You don’t believe you’re worthy of anyone else’s love.
Is love actually there even if you don’t feel loved?
You may have objective “proof” that your partner loves you, even if you constantly struggle with feeling unloved.
They buy you your favorite snacks from the supermarket, they cook you dinner after you’ve had a hard day, or suggest for you to take yourself out while they watch the kids.
But the moment your partner messes up, or forgets something, you take it as even bigger proof that they must really NOT love you.
Because your idea and belief of love is so dependent on what your partner does (or doesn’t do), it doesn’t take much for you to flip flop.
The reality is, your partner is human and they will make mistakes. They will get stressed and forget to cook you dinner for a few weeks or more. They’ll struggle with their own emotional hardships and disconnect more than usual. As a human being, they are bound to mess up.
If you become extra needy and “woe is me” every time your partner is extra stressed, tired, or upset, what message do you communicate to them?
You essentially communicate that your feelings and needs are the ONLY ones that matter in the relationship.
This will leave your partner resentful. They will begin to pull away because, ironically, they may start to feel unloved too. Or that you only “love” them when they’re happy and cooperative.
It creates a vicious cycle. As your partner starts pulling away, you feel even less loved. Actually, it “proves” to you that you weren’t loved all along.
This is all an illusion of past trauma tainting the love that could’ve been so much healthier and sustainable.
You never lost the love.
The love is still there.
It’s just being covered up by your defenses and fears.
Conversations to have with your partner about how you feel
If this post is resonating with you, then you’re probably ready to shift this unhealthy dynamic that’s been created out of old trauma.
The only way to begin approaching this subject is with full transparency and vulnerability.
Admit how your past trauma has impacted your ability to feel your partner’s love.
Validate their emotions. Let them know you understand how your actions have caused them to pull away.
Acknowledge that you’re unhappy and regretful that things have become this way, but that you’re ready to change.
These are very scary things to admit out loud when you don’t know how your partner will receive or reciprocate them.
But you have to let down your guard and open your heart to ignite a shift.
Your partner may be caught off guard and not know how to respond. Don’t take this as a sign that they don’t care. Allow them the space to process. After all, you’ve taken plenty of time to process and plan this conversation. They deserve the same.
They’ve built up a guard, too. They’ve learned to protect their heart around you. It will take time for both of you to soften around each other.
The best thing you can do is keep approaching the conversation consistently and vulnerably.
Once your partner seems receptive, you can talk more about how to rebuild your foundation and reignite the love in your relationship.
3 types of intimacy to reignite the love in your relationship
It can be tempting to try to transform your entire relationship all at once. However, you and your partner have spent a lot of time and energy building up walls. Make sure you take these next steps slowly.
Focus on one area of intimacy at a time. Don’t rush in and try to change every area at once.
Which 1 of these 3 types of intimacy would feel the easiest for you and your partner to begin with?
1. Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy indicates a meaningful and mutual connection on an emotional level. You’re comfortable sharing deep & vulnerable thoughts and desires with each other. Some things you may share are your feelings about each other, independent career goals, or regrets about someone you hurt in the past.
You’ll know that your emotional intimacy is improving when you feel emotionally closer to each other. You don’t have to analyze or guess as much what your partner is thinking or feeling (if you have Relationship Anxiety, no amount of emotional intimacy will eliminate the obsessive analyzing/thinking. If this is you, keep reading to the bottom). You have a sense that you know each other well, even when one of you feels more distant or disconnected sometimes.
2. Physical Intimacy
Physical intimacy is expressed through physical touch and affection that is not necessarily sexual. You may make more efforts to hug or embrace each other, hold hands, and lie down close to each other on the couch while you watch TV.
You don’t always have to be physically touching to be physically intimate. You may make intentional choices to move closer together without making contact. You may hold eye contact for longer than usual. Whether you’re touching or not, you connect more deeply through your physical body.
You’ll know your physical intimacy is improving when you both feel more comfortable and safe to be physically closer. You’ll have less self-doubt about whether you should give your partner a hug, and you won’t feel as threatened when your partner doesn’t want a hug at the exact moment you offer (given that you healed your trauma of abandonment/rejection). You’ll also have more spontaneous physical interactions without thinking about it so much.
3. Sexual Intimacy
Sexual intimacy includes the act of sex and any form of connection that occurs leading up to, during, and after penetration. Sexual intimacy does NOT have to include penetration. Sexual intimacy also involves sensual, pleasurable connection that may or may not take place in the bedroom. Every relationship can have their own version and meaning of sexual intimacy!
You’ll know your sexual intimacy is improving when you can talk more easily about sex and find a rhythm that feels good for both of you (whether you need to plan ahead of time, or can be more spontaneous). An indication of strong & healthy sexual intimacy is feeling safe, open, and not pressured to be sexually intimate with each other.
How to practice self-love to ensure you improve intimacy
If you don’t love yourself, or believe you are lovable, then you won’t be able to improve any of these types of intimacy in your relationship.
Even when you have all the evidence that your partner adores you, you’ll have a stronger voice inside that says it’s not real or going to last. This will make you sabotage any efforts or progress already being made.
The most sustainable and effective way to practice self-love is by staying connected to your body even when you’re feeling upset, anxious, or hurt.
Most trauma survivors instinctually disconnect or dissociate from their bodies whenever they feel a difficult emotion. This is not their fault. Their nervous systems have been rewired to automatically protect themselves from real AND imagined pain.
However, if you develop a practice where you stay connected to yourself even through the uncomfortable sensations, you will show yourself that you are worthy of being loved no matter how you feel.
You’ll stop pushing away your partner whenever you feel vulnerable. You’ll already be comfortable seeing yourself and being with yourself through your discomfort; therefore, you’ll no longer need to hide behind unhealthy behaviors. You’ll trust that your partner can handle it too.
You might even start to believe that they love you even more for being raw and authentic instead of impulsive, angry, or shut down.
You will genuinely feel loveable and LOVED.
You deserve to find peace in your body & let love in without fear.
The latest trauma research shows that cognitive-based therapies cannot fully access trauma stored in the non-verbal brain and body. Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain-Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal trauma from the physical body or nervous system.
This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for many people. They end up feeling stuck, even after spending decades of therapy and gaining so much self-awareness.
If you relate, you might’ve considered giving up on your healing. You might wonder if a fully integrated healing is not possible for you.
Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing deeply & wholly, because we all have neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection to love, joy, and openness.
But even with an effective neuroscience-backed Somatic approach, going to weekly sessions could still require many more months or years until you feel that “click” in your body that finally makes you feel WHOLE.
That’s why I run Somatic Trauma Healing Retreats where many people experience accelerated, integrated, and lasting healing in just a few days.
(Disclaimer: each attendee must go through an application process that ensures this accelerated healing is possible for them).
If this sounds like something you might be interested in, I’d love to invite you to check out my retreats! There are several options from women’s healing, plant-assisted, 1:1, and more.
