A 3-step guide to navigate New Relationship Energy without sabotaging your relationships

By Orit Krug  | Aug 23rd, 2023

New Relationship Energy is often exciting and enjoyable, but it can also be highly stressful and triggering.

Whether your ENM journey means having multiple sexual partners, romantic partners, or both, it’s crucial to learn about New Relationship Energy (NRE) that can come on quickly and intensely at the start of any new connection. NRE is also known as the infatuation period or the honeymoon phase. Especially when you’ve been in a long-term monogamous relationship, and you meet someone new, it’s wildly invigorating and exciting. At the same time, it may cause distress.

The intensity of NRE can be overwhelming when you experience it. Even with positive feelings of infatuation, it can feel like your body and mind are in overdrive. NRE can also trigger anxiety and abandonment fears, especially if your partner is having NRE for another partner.

When I first experienced NRE, after 10 years of monogamy with my current partner, I felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about my new love interest. My body experienced low-level anxiety ALL the time. When I finally confessed to my husband that I felt this way, he said, “You’re experiencing New Relationship Energy.” 

When I heard that there was a term for my experience, and a scientific explanation behind it, I felt immediate relief. This is what I’d like to share with you, too.

The science behind why New Relationship Energy feels so intense.

NRE is strongly correlated with a neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Dopamine is a “feel good” chemical that’s typically released in the brain when we eat something delicious, achieve a goal, have sex, connect with others emotionally, and experience other events that are deeply satisfying to our biological beings. 

Dopamine can truly feel like a drug, and there are actual illegal and legal substances that boost dopamine, which can be addictive. This is why love can feel like a drug! More dopamine usually makes us crave even more dopamine. When we spend time with a new partner, and it feels amazing, we want more, more, more. These new relationships can feel euphoric and give us such a great natural high.

However, with a new partner or love interest, we can also feel mildly to majorly uncomfortable with insecurity, or feeling like we don’t have enough of their affection or attention – no matter how much we’re getting from them. This is because the rise of Dopamine usually co-occurs with the decrease of Serotonin. Serotonin is also a feel-good chemical associated with feeling satisfied and content. While the rise of Dopamine says, “Give me more,” the decrease of Serotonin says, “I don’t have enough. I’m not satisfied!” This is why NRE can feel so incredible and distressing at the same time.

Common NRE challenges that can potentially sabotage your relationships

NRE, or infatuation usually feels strongest within the first month to 6 months; however, it can last a lot longer depending on the relationship, and how often you see your new partner. In this phase, you may find your new partner unflawed – seeing them exclusively for their great qualities and ignoring any imperfections. This probably happened when you first started dating your long-term partner (if you have one), but tapered away over time as you built a more secure attachment and accepted their growing edges. 

This can cause some guilt or discomfort as you swoon over your new partners and ask, “Wait, why don’t I feel this way about my current partner anymore?” or “Why am I getting so much more excitement and pleasure with my new partner? Does this mean my current relationship isn’t meaningful anymore? Is it dead? Am I supposed to be with this new person instead?” It’s easy to fall into these questions when your new partner is also infatuated with you, giving you extra attention and affection, compliments, gifts, or anything else you may not regularly receive from your long-term partner anymore. It may seem concerning that your new partner gives you “more” than your current partner.

These concerns and thoughts can also occur when you witness your partner experience NRE with their new partners. You may struggle with feeling or thinking:

“My partner has a new crush, and doesn’t seem present with me.”

“My partner is so excited about their new partner… I wish they were that excited about me.”

It’s important to remember that, despite NRE with new partners, our current relationships are still meaningful and fulfilling. Our existing partnerships, especially long-term ones, have been an integral part of our lives, growth, safety and identity. My husband and I have been together for over 10 years; but sometimes with NRE it’s easy to forget just HOW MUCH we’ve been through together. We have supported and chosen each other every day, through our best and worst. It can be easy to forget how much our partners truly know us, accept us, and love us unconditionally.

It’s normal to forget this with the rush of NRE. It’s common to feel an infatuation with your new partner that you don’t feel nearly as much or as often with your current partner. As a result, you may unintentionally neglect or feel disappointed with your long-term partner. When you or your partner are going through NRE, it’s important to check in even more with how each of you are feeling and address any insecurities. You can also celebrate what you’re enjoying about your new person, share what you’re learning within your new relationship, and use all of that to grow and deepen your love with your current partner.

A 3-step guide to navigating New Relationship Energy in a healthy way.

New Relationship Energy can make us behave in ways that aren’t aligned with our true needs, boundaries, or values. The overwhelming feeling of excitement and attraction can make us want to drop everything else in our lives to engage more with our new partner.

As a general rule, DO NOT make any serious decisions while you’re in NRE. Most online resources advise not to make any decisions for 2 years:

1. Don’t decide to move to your new partner’s location.
2. Don’t decide to leave your current partner for your new partner.
3. Don’t bend your boundaries for your new connection in a way that’s going to be unhealthy for you. (i.e., a date that goes until 2am with your new partner, when you have to wake up at 6am with your child, is okay once in a while. But if you do it week after week and you’re struggling from lack of sleep – don’t do that!)
4. Don’t bend boundaries within your current relationship either. You may really want to see your new partner more, but if that cuts into the time you’ve already dedicated to your current partner, then you’re probably slashing your boundaries due to NRE. 

When you have these urges, remind yourself that you’re on a powerful drug and tune back into what your rational, grounded self would do. On that note, here’s a 3-step guide to navigating NRE without sabotaging your relationships:

1. Make a list of your boundaries in work, life, and relationships.

This will be your golden list while in the midst of NRE. Since it’s so tempting and easy to drop our boundaries when we’re experiencing NRE, we can benefit from as many written reminders as possible.

For work:

1. Is it beneficial or healthy for you to communicate with partners during your work day? If you’re texting your new partner all day, every day, it’s most likely sabotaging your production and focus. Maybe you have a firm boundary not to text or call between 9am and 5pm, unless there’s an emergency. You may set a boundary to text only during your lunch break, or only 2-3x during work. Personally, I’ve let NRE intrude my entire work day for months at a time, and it wasn’t healthy for me or my business. I now have a loosely set boundary not to get carried away with texting during work hours.
2. Will you take off work to see your partner? Are you willing to spontaneously play hooky or do these days need to be planned in advance? If you’re in a long-distance relationship, you may schedule a few work days every once in a while to take an extended visit with your partner. Perhaps you have a limited number of days each month you’re willing to take off in order to invest time into your new relationship. Maybe you don’t let NRE interfere with your work life at all. Since my husband’s partner lives across the country, he’s been taking off 2 days every 1-2 months to see her. It seems to work for him now, but I also see that it’s stressful for him to take too much time off work. Perhaps his NRE is affecting his judgment! Or maybe he’s just, like, YOLO – work is work, it’ll be fine.
3. [If applicable] Is it a wise idea to collaborate with your new partner on a project or business idea? Generally, I HIGHLY encourage you to make a firm boundary to NOT mix your relationship with business until you have been together for at least 2 years (which is the same time it takes to build a secure attachment, according to Jessica Fern of Polysecure). But if you simply can’t resist, then at least make SOLID boundaries that separate your work and your relationship within the project and business you are pursuing together. For instance, you may set a boundary that you don’t talk business during your weekly date night.

For life:

1. What are your top 5 core values in life? List them on a piece of paper, a note in your phone, or sticky notes on your mirror! It’s important to remind yourself of these DAILY while in NRE. For instance, is it one of your core values to spend an hour a week connecting with friends? NRE could make you want to spend every free moment with your new partner, which could potentially make you push your friend-time to the side. Is it essential to prioritize alone time in nature once a day? If so, you may have to turn down a spontaneous phone call with your partner that would interrupt this time. It may feel very hard to say no, but it is actually the healthiest for you and all of your partners to maintain your values and boundaries during the early stages of a new relationship.
2. Speaking of values, write down beliefs and philosophies that strongly resonate in your body and soul. For instance, if you are passionate and dedicated to saving the environment, what are some daily or weekly practices that contribute to this cause? Are you still practicing them or are you giving away the time to your new relationship? It’s better to stick to your values from the start of a relationship rather than feeling lost, empty, or resentful after months have gone by and you’ve invested so much of your identity and time into your partner.

For relationships: 

1. In your current relationships, how much time do you ideally want to spend quality time together? What is your current agreement? This can always shift, but it is generally a wise idea to know what kind of time you want to spend with current partners.
2. How much time is important for you to spend with family members, friends, or other relationships? Does that amount of time change even with the addition of more partners?
3. How much time do you want to spend with a new partner? What feels healthiest for you? Is it the same amount of time you’d want to spend with them once you’re more established in your relationship? Maybe you know it’s healthiest for you to move slower with new partners, so you may decide that seeing them once every 2 weeks is enough for now. But in a few months, you might consider seeing them once a week or more.

Writing all of these down on paper in a clear and concise way can help you easily revisit them and ground in your values as you float away with sensations of NRE. It will also help you communicate your needs and boundaries to all of your partners.

2. Identify body sensations associated with NRE.

Since NRE often comes with overwhelming sensations, it’s important to get comfortable with them inside your body. The intensity of your heart racing, feeling weak in the knees, and other sensations can make us do rash things in an attempt to regulate these feelings. 

What sensations do you typically feel when you experience an intense rush of NRE? Make a list of all the ways you feel them in your body.

In my experience, my breath gets more shallow. I have tingles all over my head & body. I have an overall buzz through my body. While it feels really good, it often feels like I have to DO something with that energy. Truthfully, all I want to do in those moments is tell my new lover, repeatedly, how crazy I am about them. But even when the NRE is mutual, that’s not always the healthiest thing to do. 

Instead of reacting to these sensations, we can be in command of them and how our bodies can respond in the healthiest way. Here’s how:

1. Whenever you feel a rush of NRE, identify the strongest sensation in your body.
2. Close your eyes and visualize the attributes of the sensation, such as color, texture, movement, and size.
3. Allow your body to naturally respond to this sensation. For instance, if you feel butterflies in your stomach, you may feel a natural instinct to rub your stomach in a circular motion with your hands (Do not overthink this, there’s no right or wrong).
4. Keep allowing your body to organically move with the sensations of NRE (instead of fighting against them, pushing them away, or needing to resolve them).

Here’s a free guided movement meditation if you need help with this process.

3. Regulate nervous system responses.

When we intentionally tune into the sensations of NRE and then allow our bodies to move with it, we give our bodies the support it needs through the intensity of feelings. When we regulate these sensations, we lower the risk of making rash decisions on NRE. Instead of NRE being something we must react to, we learn to sit or move with it in our bodies. Oftentimes, when I’m experiencing intense NRE, I put on high-energy music and dance. It helps me celebrate the euphoria while also releasing some of the anxiety.

For many of my clients, they become very distracted and have a hard time focusing on work. This can intrude on a necessary aspect of life. NRE can take our minds in many different directions. It’s extremely effective to ground back into the body at this time.

What does your body naturally want to do to regulate? This is not a question for you to answer with your mind. I highly encourage you to practice the meditation (or 3 steps) above to truly start listening to your body and what it needs. This will make it so much easier. 

The practice of identifying & moving with NRE sensations can help, especially with anxious attachment tendencies, where we often need someone outside of us to make us feel reassured or safe. When you become comfortable with uncomfortable feelings inside your body, you begin to trust yourself that you are safe, no matter what you end up fearing or feeling. Even if you fear abandonment, rejection, and hurt. You know you can handle the difficult emotions and move through them. This isn’t only helpful through NRE, but it’s crucial in all phases and conflicts of relationships.

What to do if your partner is experiencing NRE

If your partner is the one experiencing NRE, know that this is a time where you may feel extra sensitive and insecure. Don’t let your feelings define WHO you are, as this is just a temporary phase. It’s normal to need more self-care, reassurance, and support at this time. How can you find extra support so that you can support your partner through this magical time? If you were so excited about a new relationship, you would probably want your partner to celebrate this with you. Of course it’s normal to share some doubts and console each other through them, but generally I imagine you would not want to dampen their excitement. Get whatever support you need – whether it be therapy, a support group, or something else.

Whether it’s you or your partner going through NRE, be kind and gracious to yourselves. Try to avoid making any meaning of ANYTHING. If your partner is having more satisfying sex with their new partner, for example, it does NOT mean that they’re not as attracted to you. 

Come back to the scientific reasoning vs. the emotional stories. The dopamine is working in favor of them having more exciting sex with a new person. We know this, right? That’s part of the reason we go on this journey! 

Instead of making unnecessary meaning about why this is happening, use it to your relationship’s advantage. What specifically about your partner’s new sexual dynamic are they enjoying? What would they love to bring back in with you? This isn’t going to be an easy discussion. It’s likely to bring up insecurities, but you and your current partner are so strong that you can work through and come out even stronger, more connected, and more in love.

And, if you or your partner need specific boundaries during the NRE phase, such as not sharing certain details about your new relationship, or asking to spend more time together, then do that. Ask for what you need and let your partner ask for what they need, knowing that these boundaries will continue to evolve as you each get comfortable and confident with this phase of new relationships.

A healthy approach to ENM and New Relationship Energy

Whether you’re at the beginning of your poly journey or further along, it’s important to traverse this path in a highly conscious and embodied way. For most people, poly life will stir up unresolved trauma and attachment wounds. It’s crucial to have the right foundation and inner-tools to navigate them. If you get swept away by intense triggers and emotions, you could potentially sabotage your current growth within yourself and your relationships.

I recommend my self-paced course called Ethical Non-Monogamy, Polyamory and Open Relationships: A Healthy Approach. You’ll learn body-based techniques to navigate ENM-related challenges, so that you don’t risk incurring further trauma or sabotage opportunities for deeper love and joy within your relationships.

You can click here for more information or click the picture below.