Why polyamorous couples therapy is most effective with somatics & movement

By Orit Krug  |  June 22nd, 2023

Somatic polyamorous couples therapy can help us enhance our relationships by healing trauma stored in the body & breaking lifelong patterns of sabotage.

When past unresolved trauma gets stirred up in our relationships today, it can prevent us from experiencing the healthy love and connections we truly desire.

You may experience impulsive, uncontrollable reactions to jealousy, NRE (your own or your partner’s), new sexual experiences, and complex relationship dynamics. Perhaps, in your mind, you wish to be more supportive, calm, loving, and grounded through these interactions. However, in your body, you feel on edge, out of control, or even numb / dissociated. This disconnect between mind and body is why the Somatic part of polyamorous couples therapy is crucial. 

Somatic is defined as having anything to do with the body. We must consider and include the body in poly couples therapy to dramatically increase the probability of a full-body, integrated healing. As a result, we can align our mind’s intentions with our body’s behaviors; we can follow words with actions; we can physically take in the deep level of intimacy that our minds tell us we crave; and therefore, we can invite an abundance of loving, healthy relationships without all the drama and trauma creeping in from the past.

Why the body must be included in poly couples therapy when you’ve experienced trauma.

It’s common to attend poly couples “talk therapy” for several years and still feel stuck in the same exact spot where you started (or worse).

This is because a traditional therapy process only accesses memories in our Prefrontal Cortex (PC), which is the part of our brain that governs verbal language and logic. But the majority of your trauma memories are not housed in the PC. In fact, brain imaging and mapping research has shown that the PC goes “offline” during trauma and highly stressful events. So when you’re working through difficult conflict with your partner, even in therapy, you’re likely not even able to process and absorb new skills if it’s triggering stress or old trauma.

The infograph of the brain below may help paint a clearer picture of why traditional therapy is typically not enough for poly couples therapy to make a lasting change in relationships.

In sum, traditional polyamorous couples therapy is likely not the correct approach for helping poly couples heal their trauma and improve their relationships. Unfortunately, this leads many couples to prematurely close or abandon their relationship because they believe they tried everything and yet they’re still not happy.

How somatic poly couples therapy works.

There aren’t many poly therapists incorporating a somatic process via couples therapy, but those of us who are, approach it slightly differently.

In my polyamorous couples therapy program, I take clients through a 5-month neuroscience-backed process that’s been highly effective in transforming my clients’ relationships. To help you understand how it works, I’ve outlined the 4 phases I typically bring my clients through:

Phase 1: Cut Through The Bullsh*t

Whether a couple has tried to work on issues alone or with a counselor, they’ve only hit the surface of what needs to change to deepen their relationship. In my somatic process, I guide couples to connect with each other through movement, which cuts through verbal defenses that keeps most relationships from building the deepest and most harmonious connection possible.

Within just one session, moving together immediately reveals a couple’s biggest defensive areas in a lighthearted, curious, and enjoyable way.

One minute of movement revealed how Aindrea & Rich needed to improve their communication.

Phase 2: Break Old Patterns

Once the couple’s biggest defensive areas are revealed to us, we change them through movement. Most couples spend YEARS talking about how they want to change, but they’re never able to because the body never learns a new way of behaving.

In Phase 2 of my somatic process, I guide couples to try new movements in connection with each other that immediately shift the way they interact and connect. Every movement represents a different behavior, so if they want to become more open with each other, they can literally try that on together in movement.

By trying on new ways of behaving and expressing themselves together in session FIRST, they avoid the rollercoaster cycle of feeling like things are improving and then back to square one. This eliminates the need to keep talking about what they want to change in session and then not being able to follow through in their real word together.

Phase 3: Eliminate Fear-Based Reactions

Many couples go as far as learning new behaviors, but then fall back into the same old patterns because they’re deeply scared of what will happen if they truly let go of their overprotective defense mechanisms.

In my polyamorous couples therapy program, my clients literally move through the fear that comes up around changing their patterns–ON THE SPOT. This means they transform old relationship habits in session before they even have a chance to do it in their day-to-day life.

Through movement, I help each partner stay present and comfortable in their body & emotions instead of impulsively disconnecting or defending.

Phase 4: Integrate Into The Relationship

Because we do this work through body and movement, my clients naturally experience huge shifts within themselves and their relationship. I also give them specific strategies to try on together during life outside of session. That way, their transformation becomes fully integrated by the time they’ve finished the program.

Excerpts from somatic poly couples therapy sessions

To paint a clearer picture of this process, I’d love to share some client stories with you. 

Couple Story #1 – From Codependent To Independently Secure & Connected

In one couple’s therapy session, I guided the partners to explore physically moving further away and closer together. For both partners, in their day-to-day life, it felt detrimental when they wanted time and space away from each other. They felt guilty for wanting more independence, so they abandoned their own needs to try to match each other. This led to deep unfulfillment within themselves and hopelessness about the relationship as a whole. I wanted to test what would happen when they moved further away from each other in the safety of our session.

The result? They realized it wasn’t detrimental at all.

Because this couple had both safe and therapeutic physical experiences of moving away from each other, and realized it wasn’t as horrible as they imagined, it gave them the embodied experience that it was safe to be more independent. Plus, we explored different ways they could choose to come back together. They especially loved slowly walking back towards each other and brushing up against each other’s shoulders. Even six months after we finished working together, they told me they still do this particular movement, which makes them laugh and feel more playful together!

This one session was a reflection of their entire experience doing this work. My client said to me, as he reflected on the program: “Looking back, our conflicts weren’t really disasters. It was us looking through a screen colored by past trauma. Once we healed the way we were physically reacting to each other, it changed everything for us in a way that nothing else ever had.”

Couple Story #2 – From Dismissing Her Needs to Seeing Her & Listening Closer Than Ever Before

One of my couples came into session with a major issue that wasn’t shifting, even though they were experiencing huge shifts in other areas of their relationship. They wanted to work on the tension, conflict and disconnection that occurs when she asks him to support her through difficult feelings around poly-related issues. She’d said that he barely responds or doesn’t know what to say when she vulnerably shares her challenges.

I started the session by having each partner connect to themselves first through the body via movement. (My couples clients improve their connection to each other tenfold when they’ve connected to their own bodies first).

As they were connecting to their own selves, I prompted them to connect with each other only once they felt a connection with their own bodies. They eventually did.

Afterwards, I asked, “What helped you connect to each other?”

She mentioned that after she connected with herself, it helped her to open her eyes and make physical contact with him.

This was crucial, because when she described their pattern of asking him to support her emotionally, she added, “Ultimately, I want to be able to stay connected, instead of feeling like I’m a burden, forgotten, and my needs dismissed.”

Now that we knew what helped them connect to each other, they were ready to play out their “problem pattern” in movement.

“Let’s have both of you move as if you’re currently in the midst of this pattern,” I prompted.

I asked her, “How do you typically gesture, walk towards or away, or hold yourself in your body when you’re asking him to support you? Move that.”

And for him, I said, “As you’re seeing her move this pattern, respond with one ‘out-breath’ what sensations you’re feeling in your body as they’re coming up. Then respond to that sensation by moving your body however it instinctually wants to in that moment.”

Here’s what happened: She did HUGE chaotic movements with her arms and entire body to communicate, “Hellooo! Can’t you see I’m asking something here!” In response, he said, “There’s a hollow feeling in my stomach.”

As she continued to move, she noticed that he became flat and didn’t make any further movements.

She thought, as usual, “This ISN’T WORKING! He isn’t DOING ANYTHING!”

When we paused the exercise and processed this verbally, she reflected that this is exactly how the pattern plays out in their lives. She feels like she needs to set fires to be heard and seen, and he shuts down and doesn’t do anything.

BUT, instead of their usual pattern fully playing out, she remembered that making eye contact and physically touching him helped her stay connected with him. So, instead of getting lost in frustration of things “not working,” she touched his leg. Then, suddenly, he was “back” and present. He gestured and gently verbalized “I’m here. What do you need?”

It was such a simple but powerful shift.

She connected this back to her past trauma where she felt she had to set fires to grab people’s attention. Meanwhile, what she realized in the session was that her big chaotic “LOOK AT ME!” movements made him shut down.

Instead, if she makes a simple connection with him that invites him in instead of scares him, he’s able to see her and meet her.

As a result, she said, “I feel SEEN. More than 1,000 words could.”

Now, they can both stay connected harmoniously, even during conflict. And truthfully, they don’t have so much conflict now. They can easily navigate their obstacles with playfulness and deep connection because this physical experience of truly seeing each other without trauma-tinted glasses gave them so much compassion for each other, and their own selves.

Couple Story #3 – From Shutting Each Other Out To Coming Together During Conflict

One of the major issues in this relationship was less about poly challenges, but more that the female partner constantly felt burdened with tasks & responsibility for the family, while the male partner seemed indifferent. She felt very alone in their partnership as parents. For anonymity purposes, let’s call this couple Rachel and Barry.

One day, Rachel & Barry came to session telling me about their recent blowout a few nights prior. Rachel had asked Barry to sign a piece of paper, to which he responded “Later.” It was one simple signature; she pushed him to just do it, and he pushed back harder.

As they were talking about the argument in session, they started getting into their typical loop. I gently interrupted and said, “This isn’t going anywhere. Let’s do some movement.”

“I’d like for you to pass an imaginary object back and forth. It can be whatever you desire it to be. A ball of energy, a piece of paper, or something metaphorical like anger.” I prompted.

“Whatever this object is, you can change it and mold it every single time you pass and receive it. You can also pass it back and forth as slowly or as quickly as you’d like. So if you feel the desire to play with this object for a while before passing it back, that’s okay too.” I added.

They agreed and went forward with the intervention.

Here’s what happened: Rachel immediately felt burdened and upset by this imaginary object, so she kept passing it back to Barry very quickly. Barry found this to be fun and was visibly smiling and playing. This made Rachel even more upset because this is exactly what happens in their real life: When Rachel approaches a serious task, she hopes Barry will respect its importance and help with it. But Barry usually doesn’t take it seriously and leaves Rachel with the burden.

When we processed this movement experience through words, Barry wasn’t showing much emotion. This made Rachel feel more upset because he wasn’t showing that he understood the magnitude of this issue. I guided Barry to tune into his body and move what he was feeling in that exact moment. This was hard for him, but he eventually identified a deep sadness and began to cry. Something Rachel has not seen in a very long time.

Barry identified that he was sad because he felt helpless and couldn’t resolve their family issues that were completely out of their control. Rachel, seeing Barry deeply feeling this, finally let go of her resentment towards him and understood that he wasn’t aloof. He was frozen by a feeling of helplessness.

This was really powerful. So much shifted in just that 5-minute movement experience. I asked them to do the exercise again with this new awareness. I sensed that their back-and-forth movements would look completely different this second time. And they did.

Here’s how they reflected on their movements the 2nd time around: “It was fun this time, it was just an object without the baggage – lighter and more playful, working together more – feels like something we can manage together.”

This led to a harmonious, full-body realization that even though they may not be able to change a certain situation, they can at least be together in their sadness instead of alone. This also helped Barry immensely, in terms of accessing his feelings instead of repressing them. This created a necessary foundation for so much more change in their relationship.

Join our somatic retreat for polyamorous folks navigating trauma

The latest trauma research consistently shows that trauma gets stored in the non-verbal parts of our brain and body. If you’ve been in therapy or seeking support for a while, but you still feel that trauma is hijacking your nervous system & body’s responses, this is NOT your fault. A somatic, embodied approach is necessary to process & release trauma. Talking can only get us so far.

I am co-facilitating a Poly Retreat with Dedeker Winston (co-host of Multiamory Podcast), where we will be using somatic therapy practices to help you integrate and embody the ability to deeply love yourself and your partners through your poly journey. Our neuroscience-backed practices are effective in processing traumas, working through current non-monogamy challenges, and deeply celebrating your incredible & courageous journey of practicing open love!

Click here to learn more about our next Poly Somatic Healing Retreat!