3 ways that polyamory can heighten your fear of abandonment
By Orit Krug | May 30th, 2023
Polyamory can intensify your fear of abandonment if you have unresolved trauma around being left or heartbroken.
Even monogamous relationships are often incredibly difficult for those who have traumatic experiences of abandonment. Add multiple partners, polycules, and breakups to the mix, and it will undoubtedly complexify these fears.
But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t follow your desire to be poly. In fact, your poly relationships can be a powerful gateway to heal your fear of abandonment, even deeper than monogamy often allows.
When your fear of abandonment is triggered through polyamory, you may want to avoid it or push it down. You may react so quickly to these emotions that you inevitably repeat the same old unhealthy relationship patterns. For instance, you may push away a new partner despite intending to be more vulnerable and keep your heart open through conflict.
What if, instead, you looked at these fears and moved through them in a way that allowed you to heal and evolve deeper than ever before?
This is the gift of polyamory, even when there is still unresolved trauma around abandonment and attachment. Even when the emotions become highly uncomfortable. We can work with the deep insecurities and rewire our patterns around them.
Before we dive deeper on how to heal your fear of abandonment through polyamory, let’s first look at the 3 ways that this fear often becomes triggered.
3 ways that polyamory heightens a fear of abandonment
The following include, but are not limited to, the most common reasons why polyamory intensifies a fear of abandonment.
1. Poly relationships come and go.
When you find “the one” in a monogamous lifestyle, you typically stay in one long term relationship. You’re not challenged with semi-regular breakups that polyamory often presents. In polyamory, there is a higher probability of facing grief and loss through breakups because you explore more relationships.
This may sound obvious, but it came as a surprise to me. In my early poly relationships, I still had a very monogamous mindset. I was attached to the idea that these new romantic interests would be in my life for a very long time. This was unhelpful because I had unrealistic expectations and pushed them away unless they full-blown committed to me.
I did not know how to feel safe and enjoy short-term relationships. My fear of abandonment often made me see things in black and white. “We’re either together for the long haul or we’re nothing at all.” When I was with someone who only wanted to date casually, or did not want to put any labels on our dynamic, my fear of abandonment intensified. I only knew how to relax within the “security” of a long-term relationship.
If you’re not used to casually dating, or freely dating without labels or commitment, your fear of abandonment may become heightened. You may constantly worry that your new love interest will leave you at any time. You might also have a lot of anxiety about your long term partner dating others and leaving you. That brings us to #2.
2. Your partner dates others.
Perhaps you felt secure in your relationship when you were monogamous; but once you saw your partner dating others, you started worrying about your partner leaving you for someone else.
You understand in your mind that this is what being poly is all about – you can date new people without abandoning each other. You may tell yourself repeatedly that your partner doesn’t love you any less as they fall in love with someone else. But your nervous system remains on high alert as you struggle with intrusive thoughts and anxiety about your partner leaving.
Even when your Prefrontal Cortex (the part of the brain that governs logic) understands that it’s safe for both of you to explore outside the relationship, your Amygdala (fear center that triggers Fight/Flight responses) gets stuck in fear over being abandoned again. This means that we cannot fake our way into believing that it’s safe for our partners to date others until our bodies truly feel it.
As the latest trauma research shows, trauma gets stored in our bodies and therefore it must be processed and released through our bodies. If you have a fear of abandonment due to unresolved trauma, then it’s crucial to engage in effective embodied therapy in order to heal and stop being afraid of abandonment.
3. Attachment styles change in different relationships.
You may have one or more relationships in which you feel secure and don’t fear abandonment. However, you may also experience insecure attachment and a fear of being left with other partners.
Why is this?
Attachment dynamics are complex. While many people have a dominant attachment style in relationships, an individual’s attachment type can shift & mold depending on their partner’s attachment type. For instance, you feel securely attached with another partner whose dominant attachment style is secure.
Alternatively, you experience insecure attachment and a frequent fear of abandonment with a different partner who primarily presents with an avoidant attachment style. Their avoidance and inconsistency triggers unresolved trauma from your past when you were abandoned; therefore, you cling harder whenever they begin to pull away, which intensifies a fear of abandonment even more in that specific relationship.
Depending on the relationship you’re exploring, your fear of abandonment may not be present, or it may be overwhelmingly evident. You can choose to be more discerning about who you form relationships with if you want to avoid this anxiety, or you can heal your fear of abandonment altogether so that you feel secure even in the most insecure relationships.
Polyamory can help heal a fear of abandonment
It may be your first natural instinct to avoid relationships or situations that trigger your fear of abandonment. After all, it’s uncomfortable to feel this anxiety and face the trauma that lies beneath it. However, if you choose to face it, move towards it, and heal your fear of abandonment through polyamory, you may experience a healing and growth deeper than ever before.
If you’ve been in therapy for a while but you’re still struggling to move past your fear of abandonment, please know that this is a common experience. Since trauma is stored in the body, talking has its limitations even with the “best therapist.” If you are stuck, you likely need a therapist who specializes and is very experienced in helping people process trauma through the body.
Do you have a felt-sense that the trauma of abandonment is in your body? If you’re not sure, allow yourself to think about or visualize a situation or relationship that has recently been triggering this fear. What sensations arise in your body? You may notice a tightness in your chest or your heart beating faster. You might even be aware that you feel numb or absent. A disconnection from feeling anything in the body can indicate a response to trauma as well.
You can use this simple body-awareness tool at any moment in any relationship. Notice how your body responds as each interaction occurs. As you start to notice how different interactions stir up unease in your body, you may begin to understand how to move through these uncomfortable sensations or fears. By being in command of how your body responds to these fears (vs. letting the fears hijack your body’s responses), you can stop impulsively sabotaging relationships and start heal your fear of abandonment.
Join our somatic retreat for polyamorous folks navigating trauma
The latest trauma research consistently shows that trauma gets stored in the non-verbal parts of our brain and body. If you’ve been in therapy or seeking support for a while, but you still feel that trauma is hijacking your nervous system & body’s responses, this is NOT your fault. A somatic, embodied approach is necessary to process & release trauma. Talking can only get us so far.
I am co-facilitating a Poly Retreat with Dedeker Winston (co-host of Multiamory Podcast), where we will be using somatic therapy practices to help you integrate and embody the ability to deeply love yourself and your partners through your poly journey. Our neuroscience-backed practices are effective in processing traumas, working through current non-monogamy challenges, and deeply celebrating your incredible & courageous journey of practicing open love!
Click here to learn more about our next Poly Somatic Healing Retreat!
