Polyamory for beginners: 5 signs you’re doing it for the right reasons
By Orit Krug | June 7th, 2023
How do you know if polyamory is the right choice for you? Let’s talk about how to minimize confusion and hurt for everyone involved.
With only 5% of the population identifying as Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM), it is a bold, brave, and uncommon journey to be polyamorous. Depending on where you live, there may be little to no support for your lifestyle. If you muster up enough courage to tell your friends or family, they’ll likely challenge you with so many questions that can make you wonder if it’s the right choice at all.
Heck, if you do a quick search on the internet, you’ll find many articles claiming that polyamory is a trauma response, and a way for people to avoid confronting their unhealed pain. I’ll argue that this theory is often bullsh*t and quite the opposite of the truth. While unresolved trauma CAN be the impetus to becoming poly, this is not always the reason. Plus, if you practice polyamory in a conscious & embodied way, you have the opportunity to process & heal past trauma more deeply than ever before.
More relationships – especially different kinds of relationships – will inevitably expose old attachment wounds that still need attention. With one partner, you may notice an intense need for validation. With another partner, you may witness yourself sabotaging a beautiful, strong connection because the intimacy scares you. Through polyamory, you may endure new traumas like heartbreak and grief. All of these situations provide a pathway to the most satisfying growth and relationships because they bring up what is unhealed within you. It gives you a “second chance” to relive old pain, but in a way that ends up in repair and unconditional love instead.
On the other hand, you may be getting into polyamory in a way that’s unhealthy for you and those around you. If you’re practicing polyamory as a way to avoid issues in your current relationships – especially the relationship with yourself – then it’s likely that you are dating multiple people as a trauma response and a way to avoid pain. In order to make sure you’re practicing polyamory for the right reasons, let’s dive into the 3 signs that this could be the right choice for you.
Polyamory for beginners: 5 signs you’re doing it for the right reasons
The following reasons include, but are not limited to, 5 strong indicators that you are doing polyamory for the right reasons.
1. You want to be challenged to heal more deeply as an individual.
You understand the challenges that polyamory has to offer and you don’t take them lightly. You see each relationship obstacle as an opportunity to learn something deeper about yourself and heal unresolved wounds. You’re aware that when you experience very difficult emotions or situations through poly relationships, they serve as pathways that lead to an even more healed and evolved version of you.
You may be afraid of the interpersonal and internal challenges you’ll face in polyamory. You may want to give up sometimes. But ultimately, you know that this is exactly why you chose this life, and you cannot wait to see how much you grow once you work through each hardship.
2. You want to become even closer with your partner.
While your relationship with your current partner is healthy and strong, you recognize that polyamory will expose parts of your relationship that need improvement. You’ve discussed with your partner the potential risks of polyamory that could challenge your connection or commitment to each other. You’ve taken time to talk through many of these potential obstacles and have a general idea of how you will approach them together. You have an overall commitment to approaching and navigating your open relationship as a team.
If you are having serious issues in your current relationship, you recognize that polyamory is not a cure for these issues. You are very aware that becoming open or polyamorous could accelerate the downfall of your relationship if you are not careful. If you resonate with this, you may want to consider becoming polyamorous with the close and professional support of a therapist.
3. You recognize that something is missing in yourself or your relationship.
Relationship expert Esther Perel talks about how we couldn’t possibly be our partner’s “everything.” If you feel that there’s an emotional, physical, or sexual aspect missing from your relationship, then this is normal. You may be inclined to explore polyamory to get more needs met by other partners. While this is a completely common and valid reason, it’s important to make sure you’re not becoming poly to fill a deeper void inside of you or your relationship.
When you rely on something external to fill something inside of you or your relationship, it inevitably creates relationship problems and disappointment. We can look to additional relationships to compound the love and joy we already feel within, but if we feel empty or deeply unhappy without these partners, there may be a deeper issue inside that is important to heal. This doesn’t mean you have to wait until you are completely happy within yourself to seek additional relationships, but it’s crucial to be careful not to expect or rely on partners to fill a void for you.
In polyamory, new partners can increase sexual satisfaction and enjoyment after having sex with the same partner for a long time. You may start to date someone who enjoys physical intimacy in a way your current partner does not. A long term secondary partner can provide you a sense of having more reliable people in your life to count on during emotional hardships. There are plenty of benefits to having additional partners (as well as challenges!).
In regards to feeling a missing piece within yourself, polyamory can also fulfill some of your individual needs. Maybe you’ve been swept away in serious, adult responsibility for too long, and you want to reignite a sense of freedom and play in your life. You can absolutely experience that through poly dating and social events. The permission to talk to, flirt with, and date whoever you want can be highly liberating in itself. Just remember that polyamory can help facilitate these feelings you’re craving and should not be a cure-all for them.
Ultimately, the feelings you’re searching for are created and experienced inside of you. Relationships, play parties, social mixers, etc can be the gateways to achieving these feelings.
4. You want a second chance to experience relationships in a way you weren’t allowed to before.
Due to upbringing, religion, culture, and socioeconomic status, many of us were not allowed to experience relationships in the way we truly wanted in our early adult years. Maybe you were taught that you must only date one person at a time. However, you had a deep desire to date multiple people at once. Perhaps you wanted to take partners out on lavish dates, but you could barely afford to buy clothes for yourself.
In my parents’ strict Jewish upbringing, I was “not allowed” to date anyone who wasn’t Jewish. The lack of religious, cultural, and ethnic variety in my dating history has left me curious and wanting to connect with many other walks of life – spiritually, professionally, emotionally, physically and sexually.
Like many other women, I also received constant messages that I would be shamed as a “slut” if I slept around too much. Because of this fear, I held back for most of my single years. I turned down opportunities for fear of ridicule, judgment, and ostracizing. Even as I toned down my desires, I was still called a slut for flirting with and dating a variety of men in my young adult years.
If you have a similar story, you may feel like you missed out on some crucial developmental milestones in your romantic or sexual life. Polyamory can be your time to reclaim that part of your life without so much fear or shame.
5. Polyamory aligns with who you are.
You have an inner-knowing and deep intuitive sense that polyamory is not a choice, but it is who you are. Monogamy never felt quite right to you. For as long as you can remember, you’ve wanted to date multiple people at the same time, and it felt wrong to commit to just one partner. Maybe you’ve only recently discovered the term “Polyamory” but it’s what you’ve been practicing and identifying with all along. It feels like a huge relief to discover that there is actually a name for it!
Following your authentic desire and inner-knowing to be poly feels like living your true calling. It might be scary to hear what other people think or how they might reject your way of being, but ultimately you have no doubt that this is exactly who you are.
A healthy approach to ENM and polyamory for beginners
Whether you’re at the beginning of your poly journey or further along, it’s important to traverse this path in a highly conscious and embodied way. For most people, poly life will stir up unresolved trauma and attachment wounds. It’s crucial to have the right foundation and inner-tools to navigate them. If you get swept away by intense triggers and emotions, you could potentially sabotage your current growth within yourself and your relationships.
I recommend my self-paced course called Ethical Non-Monogamy, Polyamory and Open Relationships: A Healthy Approach. You’ll learn body-based techniques to navigate ENM-related challenges, so that you don’t risk incurring further trauma or sabotage opportunities for deeper love and joy within your relationships.
You can click here for more information or click the picture below.
