How to practice self-love in a relationship
By Orit Krug | March 15th, 2022
You’ve probably heard that self-love is necessary to have a healthy, lasting relationship, but how do you put it into practice when you’ve experienced so much past trauma?
Let’s begin by talking about what self-love really means.
Social media will have you believe that self-love means having a morning routine, treating yourself to a mani-pedi, or eating a “healthy diet.”
There are tons of messages telling you what you “should” do to show yourself more love. But this actually creates more frustration and a louder inner-critic when you can’t keep up with these impossible standards.
Self-love isn’t about checking things off a list! Self-love is a state of being that constantly moves, evolves, and shifts. It’s not a one-stop destination. It’s an ongoing journey where you’re consistently meeting your needs.
Simply put: self-love is about being able to feel your feelings without disconnecting, numbing, or escaping your body.
If you disconnect from your body whenever you feel a difficult emotion, you essentially tell yourself that you’re only worthy of love when you’re happy or “positive.” That you don’t deserve attention or care when you’re angry, sad or lonely.
Imagine if you were always there for yourself, no matter what you feel? What would it be like if you knew how to connect to your body (i.e., self hug, long shower) to give yourself EXACTLY what you need?
I used to throw objects across the room, pull at my own hair, and basically abuse myself whenever I was upset.
Now, I love myself more each time I hold my own hand through a really difficult period of my life. Sometimes I literally hold my own hand!
Why self-love is crucial part of healthy relationships
If you aren’t comfortable staying connected to your body through difficult emotions, how could you possibly sustain a healthy relationship?
In healthy, long-term relationships, it’s necessary to be able to work harmoniously together through difficult conversations, situations, and traumas (i.e., the death of a parent or child).
If you’re too ashamed, defensive, or guarded to BE in your feelings with your partner, then you’ll inevitably sabotage or push them away. Even if all you want is to pull them closer and receive their support.
Before working with my team, my client Sheri did not love herself. She couldn’t stand being in her own skin. She did everything possible to disconnect from her emotions and her body.
She withdrew from her marriage and shut out her partner every time they had the slightest conflict. The feelings that arose inside of her felt so ugly that she couldn’t allow her partner to see her in those moments.
This brought them to the brink of separation because it was impossible to connect with Sheri. It was such an uphill battle to work through the normal conflicts that arise in long-term relationships.
Once Sheri developed the ability to love herself by staying connected to her body AND her partner through uncomfortable emotions, her relationship healed too. They were able to form a partnership much stronger and deeper than she’d ever been able to with anyone else before.
Hence, you must be able to love yourself in order to feel safe to be loved and seen by anyone else.
How self-love helps to heal past trauma
The very first step needed to truly heal trauma is to develop a safe connection with your body.
You must be able to feel safe in your body even through feeling difficult emotions. THAT is the essence of self-love.
Without this first step, you will not be able to truly heal your trauma.
The majority of trauma survivors spend decades in talk therapy using words to try to process their past trauma. Yet they never establish a safe connection with their body.
In fact, it’s very common that they use words and talking AS a defense mechanism against being in their bodies.
Even alternative therapies that are designed to rewire the nervous system still often disregard the physical and emotional body of each client.
We’ve worked with so many clients who tried EMDR and end up feeling more disconnected, raw, and triggered. This is extremely disappointing for a modality that’s supposed to be cutting edge in the trauma healing space.
You can do all the fancy energy healings, alternative therapies, and retreats, but if you are not truly LOVING yourself through connecting to your body and the whole range of your emotions… you will not heal.
I know that sounds quite harsh and direct, but wouldn’t you rather so many experts and healers stop sugarcoating this stuff, so you can finally take the right path to feel a LASTING shift?
Let’s talk about how to begin this magical unfolding.
3 powerful steps to develop and practice self-love
There are 3 simple and effective steps to help you develop self-love, if you do them consistently. You can read the steps below for more theoretical background, and then try this free movement meditation for the guided practice.
1. Tune in whenever you feel a sensation arise in your body.
Sensations arise in our bodies every moment of every day. Many of us don’t feel or notice them because we’re extremely busy. Trauma has also taught us to disconnect from feeling emotions in our bodies. However, the first step needed to develop self-love is to start FEELING again.
With this practice, you don’t have to try to feel EVERY sensation. That would be completely overwhelming and obsessive. But when you feel something noticeable–for example, shoulder tension, a drop in your tummy, an overall sense of heaviness–tune in. Don’t escape, numb, or try to fix it by any means.
This will likely feel uncomfortable if you’re used to dissociating from your body. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Perhaps this week you can tune into the sensation for 3 seconds, and next week you can stay with it for 10 seconds. Ease in. This is not a race. It’s a long-term practice and lifestyle.
2. Respond to your sensations with movement.
Once you feel comfortable enough to feel and stick with sensations that arise in your body, you can CHOOSE how you want to respond to that sensation. This is probably very different from what you do now if you’re still unhealed from trauma. Most trauma survivors feel an uncomfortable or unfamiliar sensation and react impulsively before even realizing what happened.
For instance, you might feel a twinge in your stomach as you hear your friend vent about her partner, to which you immediately pour yourself another glass of wine. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t drink wine or that it’s a bad thing (I like my occasional glass of red!). I’m simply demonstrating an example of immediate and subconscious reactions to “fix” sensations in our bodies. Once you’re aware of your sensations and you can be with them, instead of pushing them away, you can make more of a subconscious choice. You may even give yourself enough space to ask yourself, “Do I really need to drink more right now?”
Perhaps you hear and feel a “no.”
This gives you the opportunity to give yourself what your body really needs in that moment. Maybe once you allow yourself to feel more of that twinge in your stomach and observe how it’s moving (or not moving) within you. Then, you wait for an impulse on how you truly want to respond. Perhaps your body leads you to put your hands firmly on your tummy, as a way of supporting yourself through that sensation.
Maybe you notice that you need a big, deep belly breath to relax.
There’s no right or wrong.
The point of this step is that you’re actually LISTENING to your body and meeting your needs, instead of ignoring or escaping them.
3. Allow your body to lead.
You already started letting your body lead in step 2 by following your inner impulses to respond to your sensations. For step 3, you can continue the practice of letting your body lead you, instead of your mind.
You can wait for the next impulse to respond with any movement. Maybe the next impulse you have is to stand up and walk somewhere else. You feel pulled to change your immediate environment, so you go to the bathroom. Perhaps once you’re in the bathroom you catch yourself in the mirror and feel an impulse to run your fingers through your hair. Your mind might say, “Don’t do that. People are looking and will think you’re conceited.” But your body really feels this urge, so you let your body lead and forget what you “should” or “shouldn’t” do.
This is a constant practice that requires a lot of your conscious intention at first, but with practice and consistency, it gets easier. It becomes more natural to ask yourself, “What does my body want right now?” And to be able to listen and follow through.
Before you know it, you’ll be listening to your every deep desire without even thinking about it. You’ll be so in tune with your needs that you feel so much love for yourself! It’s truly a beautiful way to live.
You deserve to find peace in your body & let love in without fear.
The latest trauma research shows that cognitive-based therapies cannot fully access trauma stored in the non-verbal brain and body. Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain-Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal trauma from the physical body or nervous system.
This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for many people. They end up feeling stuck, even after spending decades of therapy and gaining so much self-awareness.
If you relate, you might’ve considered giving up on your healing. You might wonder if a fully integrated healing is not possible for you.
Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing deeply & wholly, because we all have neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection to love, joy, and openness.
But even with an effective neuroscience-backed Somatic approach, going to weekly sessions could still require many more months or years until you feel that “click” in your body that finally makes you feel WHOLE.
That’s why I run Somatic Trauma Healing Retreats where many people experience accelerated, integrated, and lasting healing in just a few days.
(Disclaimer: each attendee must go through an application process that ensures this accelerated healing is possible for them).
If this sounds like something you might be interested in, I’d love to invite you to check out my retreats! There are several options from women’s healing, plant-assisted, 1:1, and more.
