Why you’re obsessed with checking your partner’s phone and how to break the unhealthy habit
By Orit Krug | November 19th, 2021
I used to go crazy over checking my partner’s phone.
When he came to bed after I was already sleeping, I used to wake up and sneak a peek at what he was doing.
Whenever his phone vibrated, I used to hear myself asking “Who’s he texting?” and look to see if it was another woman.
I even used to borrow his laptop and glance at the names on his iMessages to make sure he wasn’t cheating.
All because of my unresolved trauma around abandonment and rejection.
My husband never cheated on me. I even used to try to catch him checking out other women at music festivals, where clothing is optional. He passed my “test” every time.
I created all these stories in my head about all the ways he could hurt me, and I projected them onto the ways he uses his phone.
None of it was true. I just believed that I was so unworthy of love that he would leave me for anything he read, anyone he talked to, anything he watched through his phone.
Obsessively checking your partner’s phone is an addiction that stems from past trauma.
When you see something “suspicious” on your partner’s phone, like a text from an unknown number, there are two paths you can take next:
- Investigate further.
- Trust that it’s nothing and move on.
Before I healed my trauma, I was guilty of always taking the first path. A little research into a random area code turned into “Let me just check all his text messages” and then, “Are there any dating apps on his phone?” And so on.
I couldn’t control myself. Investigating further usually led to an ugly place inside of me.
Once I healed my trauma, I ONLY took path #2, even when I still had that initial thought of, “What if..?”
Once I started to trust myself and understand my worthiness, I believed that I was good enough for someone to commit to me as a lifelong partner.
I trusted that he wasn’t going to leave just because he was texting a new friend.
Old trauma makes us addicted to “knowing.” There’s an urgent, uncontrollable need to KNOW information to protect us from getting hurt again.
“I NEED to know if he’s going to hurt me.”
“I NEED to know if she’s going to leave.”
“I NEED to end this relationship because I’m too anxious about the uncertainty of it all.”
The problem is that we can NEVER have 100% certainty about anything in life. So even as you dig further into your partner’s phone, you’re still left with the unknown.
Maybe you found nothing on their phone. That could still leave you questioning, “What if they’re so good at deleting their messages that I can’t find anything… but they’re still cheating?’
It never ends.
Take the first step to break your addiction to checking your partner’s phone.
The first step to break the addiction is to simply stop yourself from checking anything at all. You have to go cold turkey, because one little snoop fuels the next, and the next… and before you know it, you’re hiring a PI to track down your partner (not really, but maybe?).
It’s REALLY hard when you first hold back from checking your partner’s phone, but it does get easier. There is no other way if you don’t want to sabotage your relationship.
Even if you see something that could be potentially suspicious, you have to ask yourself, “Is it impacting my relationship?”
If you took away all of those pieces of information–that there’s an unknown number in their text inbox, an incognito tab open on their browser, or that your partner’s takes their phone for extended bathroom breaks– if you didn’t know ANY of those things, how does your partner treat you?
Do they treat you well? Does your partner show you how much they love and care about you?
Because that’s all that matters.
None of the suspicions you have are real until they’re real.
The only thing that’s real is how your partner comes home every day and kisses you. Or cooks dinner for you. Or stops at the supermarket to get your favorite snack when you’re feeling sad.
THAT is the truth.
If there are other things bothering you about the relationship, deal with THOSE things. Don’t project it onto lies and made-up stories about what they’re doing with their phone.
Your unresolved trauma is triggered by your partner’s phone and making you push them away.
If your relationship is healthy and loving, but you can’t stop checking your partner’s phone, then you are letting your old trauma ruin your relationship.
Checking your partner’s phone won’t resolve your feelings of unworthiness or insecurities.
You can back up your fears with “facts” like saying that research shows how porn creates more disconnection in relationships. Or how 20% of men cheat on their partners.
Even if those things are true, are they true for YOUR relationship? Or are you just backing up your insecurities with information to “prove” yourself right?
My husband watches porn, and I sometimes do too. We still have an incredible and deep relationship.
I used to get upset that he watches porn, but when I looked at it objectively, he wasn’t any less attentive or attracted to me. I only made up those stories in my head because I was so insecure. Porn was only an issue in our relationship when I made it an issue.
It’s like hearing about your friends who are getting divorced. It immediately creates a fear of, “Are we going to get divorced too?” You have to be so secure in yourself and your relationship that you are able to separate the statistics of what’s going in other relationships from your own.
You have to be completely present in the reality of your relationship to know what’s true.
When there’s unresolved trauma, your brain and nervous system are incapable of staying in the present reality. Any faint reminder of past hurt – whether it’s a “weird” way your partner looked at you when you asked who they’re texting, or that they’ve come home 20 minutes later than usual because they “lost track of time”– they will trigger old memories of past trauma and make it feel like they’re happening ALL over again in the present with your current partner.
If this is happening to you, it doesn’t mean that you’re broken or damaged goods. This is how unresolved trauma impacts everyone. Until you release that trauma from your body and nervous system, it will continue to hijack you at every phone beep, pop-up notification, and more.
Heal the trauma that’s making you insecure and obsess over your partner’s phone.
Being suspicious and constantly communicating a lack of trust with your partner will undoubtedly push them away, especially when your feelings are not based on current reality.
It’s not fair for your partner to carry the burden of your past trauma. Checking your partner’s phone isn’t about them. It’s about you not being able to trust yourself that you’re amazing enough for them to be 100% dedicated to you.
If your partner has told a white lie about something phone-related in the past, then you also may be equally responsible. Did co-create a dynamic in which they felt the need to bend the truth?
I’m not saying it’s your fault. It’s equally their fault AND your fault. Yes, they should be honest with you, AND you also need to create a space where it’s safe to be honest. Have you been so jealous, insecure and controlling that they were afraid to express their truth?
No matter “who started it,” it’s important to resolve your old trauma in order to be able to trust again and enjoy the deepest, loving relationship possible, even if your partner has trauma too.
You deserve to find peace in your body & let love in without fear.
The latest trauma research shows that cognitive-based therapies cannot fully access trauma stored in the non-verbal brain and body. Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain-Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal trauma from the physical body or nervous system.
This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for many people. They end up feeling stuck, even after spending decades of therapy and gaining so much self-awareness.
If you relate, you might’ve considered giving up on your healing. You might wonder if a fully integrated healing is not possible for you.
Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing deeply & wholly, because we all have neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection to love, joy, and openness.
But even with an effective neuroscience-backed Somatic approach, going to weekly sessions could still require many more months or years until you feel that “click” in your body that finally makes you feel WHOLE.
That’s why I run Somatic Trauma Healing Retreats where many people experience accelerated, integrated, and lasting healing in just a few days.
(Disclaimer: each attendee must go through an application process that ensures this accelerated healing is possible for them).
If this sounds like something you might be interested in, I’d love to invite you to check out my retreats! There are several options from women’s healing, plant-assisted, 1:1, and more.
