3 common relationship problems and what causes them
By Orit Krug | February 15th, 2022
Are you struggling with the most common relationship problems? Or are you and your partner simply incompatible?
You may feel an urge to call it quits with your partner if you’re having problems. Old trauma can make us want to escape anything that feels remotely uncomfortable or confrontational.
Before you make any rash decisions that you may regret later, let’s talk about the most common relationship issues and why its completely normal to have them.
Now, I’m not going to say “Communication, Sex, and Money” are the most common problems. I think most of us already know that these are the areas where couples struggle the most. But these issues are superficial.
Instead, let’s get right to the core of these problems. Because, let’s face it, you’ve already done plenty of talking about it, and you probably just want to resolve the REAL underlying issues already.
The most common relationship problems have a much deeper root cause.
Many couples spend years and thousands of dollars on couples therapy without ever accessing or resolving the root cause of their relationship issues.
They often talk in circles revolving around the same topic, and continue to get stuck in the same or similar spot where they began.
This doesn’t mean they’re broken or incompatible. Traditional couples therapy just doesn’t have the ability to access what’s buried deep within each partner’s subconscious bodies, where the root of the issues lie.
So, here are the 3 most common relationship problems:
1. One or more partners has unresolved trauma
Unresolved trauma inevitably brings a whole slew of issues in relationships. Fear of abandonment, rejection, and intimacy will keep you disconnected from your partner in order to protect yourself from getting hurt like you did in the past.
Yes, many people say communication, sex/intimacy, and money are the most common relationship problems, but those are surface level areas. Underneath these issues is an inability and unsafety to trust yourself or your partner to be vulnerable enough to really let them IN.
Unresolved trauma is the most persistent and relentless relationship problem. It hijacks your nervous system and body to react in the exact opposite ways you wish you didn’t.
Even when your mind intends to speak up more, or even after you discuss in couples therapy a more effective way to communicate, your body always wins because trauma is trapped inside. Old trauma makes everything seem scary and dangerous, even when you logically know it’s not.
2. Different preferences for wanting space or connection
I see couples reveal this pattern all the time in my Deeper Love couples program. One partner wants space, while the other partner tries to get closer and requests more attention.
Whether it’s due to trauma or lack of modeling from our own parents, most couples have no idea how to navigate their different needs for space. Plus, old trauma can make you take it WAY more personally and react impulsively than what’s necessary.
Either way, it can feel really hurtful when we deeply want more connection with our partners while they need space. A lot of couples see this as a black and white situation: “She wants space, so I’m going to leave,” or “He never wants to talk after work. Does he even love me anymore?”
It’s 100% normal and common to want space from each other. I’ve worked with couples who actually thrive better when they regularly have more space from each other. There’s a healthy way to honor each of your needs for space and connection, without pushing each other away.
Having space doesn’t necessarily mean that you regularly spend 12 hours apart in different rooms. You can have space within the same room. You can have different levels of space sitting right next to each other.
Most couples don’t know this because they don’t understand their individual needs. They think, “I’m so overwhelmed, I just don’t want to talk right now!” In reality, they may be too burnt out to talk, but they still crave physical connection. This leaves both partners frustrated and unmet.
In a recent couples session, it took literally 1 minute for my clients Claire & Michael to come back to harmony after 2 weeks of disconnection. When they tried to talk (in circles) about their disconnection at the beginning of the session, I gently stopped them.
“Have this conversation in movement,” I said. “Show each other what you need through your body.” I added.
Claire rested her head on Michael’s shoulder and Michael held her there. No joke: In literally 1 minute, they both got what they needed. Claire had thought she needed space and disconnection, but what she really needed was to be held by Michael, which fulfilled Michael’s need to connect more to Claire after she had been distant.
If you can’t figure out your own needs, you’ll likely resort to unnecessary extremes of pushing away or asking for more than you know your partner can handle at a given moment. This is actually the root of this root problem! Being too disconnected from your body to truly understand what you need.
3. Non-verbal aggression
This is the sneakiest relationship problem that so many couples don’t even realize is happening. I was JUST recently guilty of this myself!
Just last week, I was going through a difficult period in my relationship where my partner seemed to be generally more frustrated and angry towards me. I was getting VERY tired of it and more sensitive each time he spoke with a more aggressive or bothered tone.
I didn’t understand. I wanted him to just be nicer to me! Why couldn’t he be? I was being nice, kind, and loving to HIM!
Or so I thought.
I didn’t realize it, but I had quite a bit of resentment building towards him regarding parenting stuff (we are new parents to a 17 month-old). I thought I was being nice and not aggressive to him. I honestly believed that he was being an a**hole to me for no good reason.
Finally, I realized: I was holding all this resentment, frustration, and anger towards him. He was simply mirroring it back to me, unconsciously.
Whaaaat?!
I wasn’t able to see this consciously until my body and movement revealed to me that this was the truth (you can read about how exactly that happened right here).
It doesn’t mean that his frustration was my fault. Or that I deserved for him to mirror back my own aggression. Or that it even started with me. But once I realized this, I finally admitted to him my resentment. Then, we came up with a way to navigate the reasons behind it.
Just a week later, today, our emotional and sexual connection is so much stronger than it’s been in months! It’s like we’ve pressed a reset button and now communicate more compassionately & passionately with each other.
3 healthy ways to navigate common relationship problems.
Whether you’ve identified with 1 or more of the most common relationship problems above, you may be wondering how to shift them. Here are 3 ways:
1. Heal past trauma
This is an obvious one if your relationship problems stem from your past trauma. Ironically, though, many trauma survivors get stuck in looping confusion about, “Is it my old trauma messing this up, or is the relationship?”
If you struggle with the same confusion, read this blog post here.
Here are some (but not all) strong indications that your past trauma is a primary contributor to your relationship problems:
a. You often regret the way you react or behave in a moment of frustration or anger
b. You often feel abandoned or rejected even when you logically know that you’re overreacting
c. Your emotions often feel intense and erratic
d. You constantly overthink the way you or your partner says or does something.
If you resonate with one or more of these signs, then it’s a good idea to heal your trauma if you want to successfully have a loving, lasting relationship.
If you’ve already been making an effort to heal your trauma through talk therapy, online courses, or certain alternative therapies like EMDR, it is not enough.
These approaches may help you gain more awareness about your trauma and how it’s impacted you, but they are not actually designed to release the trauma from your body.
Trauma is stored in your non-verbal body and brain, so unless you’re engaging in a body AND movement based approach to therapy, it will remain stuck inside.
To get on the right path of healing trauma from your body, you must first build a safe connection with your body to prepare for release.
You can start building this foundation by remembering to make gentle physical contact with yourself at least once a day. Try to hold your own hand, run your fingers through your hair, or caress your arm. It doesn’t have to take long. You can do this a few times a day for just 10 seconds each time.
2. Non-verbal communication
I’m constantly stunned by how many people spend so much time talking about how to communicate better, without ever changing the way they move and hold themselves in their bodies.
Even if you practice scripts with nice words and use a gentle tone, you still may be communicating with underlying aggression that pushes away your partner.
Your body is the vehicle from which you communicate and behave; thus, your body’s MOVEMENT reveals the true expression of how you interact in your relationship.
You cannot change unhealthy behavior patterns and communication simply by talking about them. You have to engage your body through movement.
For instance, if you want to communicate more gently instead of aggressively, you can practice moving your body in a way that is both FIRM and SOFT. Once you can embody both of those qualities together in your body, it’s easy to be assertive without overpowering your partner.
If you want to be able to speak up and voice your needs, then your body has to learn that it is safe to take up space and be seen. If you’re only doing online courses where you’re hiding behind the screen, your nervous system and body will still be scared when it’s time to confront your partner.
Whatever behavior or communication pattern you want to change, ask yourself first, “How would I hold myself and move in my body differently if I communicated this way?” Ask your BODY first and then allow movement to emerge, so you can try on this version of yourself.
You might notice that, through embodying this healthier version of you, your movements slowed down, or you became more connected to yourself. These are characteristics you can begin to incorporate into your everyday life now! You can intentionally move slower through the day, and physically connect more to yourself through self-touch and movement.
3. Do your individual work
In order to have a lasting, healthy relationship, you must have a solid sense of yourself first. If you don’t know or understand yourself, then you won’t be able to separate your emotions from your partner’s. This is why you may get really upset whenever your partner is upset, even when it has nothing to do with you.
You also won’t know how to communicate your needs until you understand them. After years of therapy and self-work, you may be disappointed with how confusing your needs are. One minute, you think you need alone time; the next minute, you’re mad that your partner isn’t cuddling with you.
What gives?
The majority of people try to figure out their needs by thinking or talking about them. The truth is, your needs are first born in your body through sensations. Most people don’t feel this because they’re at least partially disconnected or numbed from their bodies.
When you’re hungry, it usually begins with a growling sensation in your stomach.
When you’re sad, it usually begins with a heaviness through your entire body.
When you’re excited, you probably notice an energetic buzz traveling through your body.
Why continue to think or talk about your needs when they don’t even begin or reside in the verbal brain? It’s pointless!
Instead, begin to develop a strong connection with your body and feel your ever-evolving needs from the moment a new sensation comes up.
You can start this practice by taking a breath, pausing, and noticing what sensations are present in your body at that moment. The more consistently you do this, the easier and more natural it will become. You’ll be able to pinpoint when new needs come up and how to ask for them to be met.
Start healing your fear of abandonment to heal your relationship issues
If your fear of abandonment is intruding on every potential enjoyable moment with your partner, then it’s crucial to start healing it.
Even if your fear of abandonment is only one of several issues contributing to your relationship problems, it is the most important place to start.
Even if you’ve already spent so much time talking about or researching ways to heal your abandonment issues, it usually doesn’t work because you must release the abandonment wounds from your body.
Here is a powerful movement meditation, where I will safely guide you to identify how abandonment wounds still live in your body, and what you need to do next to release them.
This meditation will help you work through abandonment wounds in 8 minutes more effectively than years of talking about it in therapy usually does.
