How to deal with emotional triggers in relationships without sabotaging your connection
By Orit Krug | July 8th, 2021
There are so many unhelpful tips about how to deal with emotional triggers in relationships.
To manage emotional triggers in relationships, many experts will say, “Breathe before you respond,” or “Practice a script of what you want to say in X situation.”
Unfortunately, these tips don’t actually work in the moment when your brain and body are triggered.
We cannot simply breathe our way through triggers. We cannot cover up intense nervous system reactions with rehearsed words.
When we are triggered, we lose the ability to make rational decisions and control our emotions, even when we intellectually know we’re overreacting.
In order to understand why, let’s first get clear on what exactly is a trigger.
The difference between a trauma trigger and a normal emotional response.
Let’s say your partner asks you 7 times in the same week, “Where’s that wooden cooking spoon?”
A normal response would be something along the lines of, “Wow, this is getting irritating. I wish you would just remember where the spoon is so you don’t have to ask me so many times.”
A trauma trigger would look more like yelling and crying, “WHY can’t you just listen? WHY don’t you ever hear what I’m saying to you?” Followed by a total meltdown.
Now, it’s okay and even healthy to have normal frustrations with your partner (I can’t tell you how many times my husband tells me he can’t find something and then I find it in 2 seconds, ha!).
But with a trauma trigger, there’s an intensely different reaction happening in your brain, nervous system, and your body.
When you have old trauma stored in your body, your hippocampus is diminished and it cannot distinguish past trauma from the present reality. So when your partner asks for you to find something for the 7th time in a week, it feels the SAME as when your parents neglected your emotional needs because they didn’t pay attention to you.
Want to see a map of how exactly the brain is affected by trauma? Sign up for my FREE Rewired For Love Training.
This triggers in you the old trauma of being unheard, unmet, and betrayed by the people who were supposed to love and see you more than anyone else.
Are you being triggered or are you having normal, healthy responses in your relationship?
Are you experiencing normal emotions that come with living or being with a partner for many years? Are you having a healthy amount of bickering or disagreements?
Or are you experiencing intense reactions that make you impulsively yell, shut down, or get in your car and leave in the middle of a conversation?
Are you able to follow common tips like, “Breathe before you respond” or “Communicate that you’re angry in a nice way?” Or does it all go out the window as soon as you have conflict or confrontation with your partner?
Many people will call themselves broken or damaged goods because they can’t follow these “simple” and “helpful” tips to stop being triggered, but the truth is that NO ONE with unresolved trauma can fake being calm.
You must teach your nervous system to regulate itself and expand your window of tolerance so that you can respond the way you’d like, without pushing away your partner.
Even if breathing and scripted words have worked a few times before, they are not long-term, sustainable solutions to rewiring your nervous system.
Rewiring your nervous system will help you maintain calm in the face of triggers.
My client Allison used to become so triggered whenever she and her partner talked about money. She’d blow up so fast. She would yell and say, “You need to get a job or I’m DONE!” She would be quick to shut down and end the conversation.
But this morning, she sent me a message and said that things have completely shifted for her. She said, “I can’t believe it! We actually had a conversation about money. I was able to be present and he even asked me for advice!”
Rewiring her nervous system allowed her to be able to CHOOSE her response. She said she still felt the impulse to give an ultimatum and shut down the discussion… but she didn’t.
And that is KEY!
She had become so comfortable with feeling discomfort and difficult emotions in her body (through our sessions) that she was no longer hijacked by them. By being able to stay present in her body and our therapeutic relationship FIRST in session, she was easily able to do that in her real-life relationship.
That is the process of rewiring, in a nutshell, where your nervous system becomes so comfortable and skilled at staying present and connected even through confrontation. This is what brings relationships closer than ever instead of falling apart whenever there is a bump in the road.
Get on the right path to healing trauma from your body and nervous system.
Many people spend decades and thousands of dollars in traditional therapies trying to heal their trauma. Unfortunately, even the most popular therapies are scientifically shown to be limited in accessing trauma stored in the non-verbal brain and body.
Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal from the physical body or the nervous system.
This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for so many people. They often blame themselves for being “un-healable” and decide that they’re broken.
This is NOT true!
Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing from the past, because we all have wiring and neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection, to love and openness.
My unique, scientific-backed process via Dance Therapy has helped hundreds of clients finally heal from past trauma and transform their relationship (even after decades of trying in other therapies).
You can heal too, but you need the right methodology.
Sign up for my online course (ranges from free to $20 USD) to begin a unique, body-based learning experience that will teach you:
- Science-backed education about how trauma is stored in your body and nervous system. You’ll gain an understanding why it has NOT been your fault you haven’t healed yet from past trauma.
- Gentle, guided body-based movement that is necessary for integrated healing. This is crucial if you want your mind’s intentions to match your body’s behaviors in relationships.
- An embodied approach to healing that has helped hundreds of clients break unhealthy relationship patterns and let in healthy, lasting love.
