3 signs he cares deeply about you that you just aren’t seeing
By Orit Krug | August 25th, 2020
Are you missing the signs that he deeply cares about you because your partner really doesn’t care… or is old trauma causing you to miss the signs?
I’m writing this to you while I’m pregnant during the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic and, let me tell you, I’ve missed quite a few signs that my husband Aaron deeply cares about me.
Aaron isn’t always great with expressing his verbal appreciation for me, and lately his physical affection has been lacking too.
During this extra challenging time, I reverted back to some of my old ways and got upset that he’s not showing how he cares for me in ANY way.
That’s when he reminded me that he recently searched everywhere for a back-up freezer when 99% of the stores already ran out (umm alright, this wasn’t the romantic gesture I was looking for).
When he explained his thought process behind his gesture, he said he was thinking of my pregnancy cravings and felt bad that the grocery stores kept running out of the food I wanted. He did this because he really cares about my satisfaction and happiness.
It wasn’t the physical affection and words of affirmation I was craving. But while I was focusing on what I wasn’t getting from him, I totally missed the sign that he put a lot of effort into doing this thing for me that will ultimately make me happier.
What signs might you be missing? Let’s dig in to the most common signs that people miss as a result of unresolved past trauma:
1. Your partner goes out of their way to do something nice for you.
If you’re anything like me, you have some fantasies about what this looks like, but they don’t often come true because you have different love languages. Maybe you dream that your partner makes an extra stop on the way home from work to get you flowers. Or they secretly reach out to your friends to plan a special surprise for your birthday.
Maybe your partner doesn’t go out of their way like they do in the movies and that really disappoints you. When you’ve been brutally rejected or abandoned in the past, that old trauma makes your disappointment extra intense today.
Instead of understanding your partner’s signs of caring about you, you feel crushed because your nervous system automatically assumes the trauma is happening again and goes into survival mode to protect you from getting hurt like you did in the past.
In reality, your partner might be a very grounded, practical thinker and will set up your home office space in a way that won’t break your back… or something else that makes your life easier and healthier in the long run.
Every time I go on a trip, Aaron packs extra essentials for me that he knows I usually forget to bring. During my last vacation, my friend said to me, “I really like how Aaron takes care of you.” I had no idea what she was talking about until she pointed out how he organized my vitamins into neat little compartments. I totally didn’t appreciate this about him until she pointed it out.
Does his vitamin organization make me want to jump his bones? Eh, not really. But when I stop focusing on what he ISN’T doing and start seeing how he just wants me to be satisfied in the little everyday things, I remember how lucky I am.
2. Your partner looks at you like they are the luckiest person in the world to have you.
This isn’t always obvious unless you really take it in. It might be easier to see this sign if they used their WORDS and said something like, “You look so beautiful right now.” But let’s be honest, some people really struggle with verbal expression.
Ok, I’m gonna keep calling out my husband here because he’s not great with the words either. But the way that he stops what he’s doing and looks me in the eyes tells me that he really does believe I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. I KNOW this because I believe this for myself, first and foremost.
I mean, I definitely don’t believe I’m the most beautiful woman in the world, but I do believe that HE feels that way because I know how lucky he is to have a beautiful soul like me as his life partner. If not for healing my trauma and raising my self-worth, I would never believe this to be true. Instead, I’d probably tell him to stop staring at me because it’s freaking me out.
The only way for you to truly see a sign as subtle and deep as this is by having the security and self-esteem that allows you to take it IN. Because if you’re still storing old trauma and currently wired for fear of judgment and rejection, then you’re going to project that onto what you believe your partner thinks of you.
So they could be looking at you, in awe of how amazing you are, and meanwhile you’re wondering why they’re giving you a judgmental stare or wondering what they’re REALLY thinking of you (does he think life will be better without me?). If you keep shutting them down, they’ll stop showing you this sign altogether.
You might be missing out on the most amazing parts of your relationship because of your own lack of self-love and low self-esteem. These moments when my husband and I lock eyes without saying anything are so special for me because I know there’s so much love going on between us.
3. Your partner craves more of your attention, but you feel they’re being clingy and annoying.
Do you push away your partner when they want to spend more time with you because you want more space? This is normal if you have old trauma. Your nervous system’s priority is to protect you from intimacy and vulnerability, which has hurt you so much in the past.
Instead of feeling loved and adored in your relationship, you feel trapped. Especially because when you experienced past trauma, you were physically or emotionally trapped in a situation where you had no control and could not get out.
When that trauma is unresolved in your body and nervous system, you’ll automatically react like, “Oh my gosh, this is too much for me. Why won’t this person just respect my need for space? I’ve gotta get out!”
Meanwhile, you’re finally with someone who wants to love you in a healthy lasting way, but your nervous system is just not used to this closeness and you block their love instead.
It’s normal to go through rough periods where you’re not on the same page as your partner, but that’s a much different situation if you have unresolved trauma in your body that’s causing you to miss the signs and push your partner away.
If you’re blocking the healthy love that is right in front of you, then it’s important to rewire your nervous system so that you can heal your trauma, stop looking for the danger signs and start taking in the love & care that you totally deserve.
You deserve to find peace in your body & let love in without fear.
The latest trauma research shows that cognitive-based therapies cannot fully access trauma stored in the non-verbal brain and body. Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain-Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal trauma from the physical body or nervous system.
This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for many people. They end up feeling stuck, even after spending decades of therapy and gaining so much self-awareness.
If you relate, you might’ve considered giving up on your healing. You might wonder if a fully integrated healing is not possible for you.
Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing deeply & wholly, because we all have neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection to love, joy, and openness.
But even with an effective neuroscience-backed Somatic approach, going to weekly sessions could still require many more months or years until you feel that “click” in your body that finally makes you feel WHOLE.
That’s why I run Somatic Trauma Healing Retreats where many people experience accelerated, integrated, and lasting healing in just a few days.
(Disclaimer: each attendee must go through an application process that ensures this accelerated healing is possible for them).
If this sounds like something you might be interested in, I’d love to invite you to check out my retreats! There are several options from women’s healing, plant-assisted, 1:1, and more.
