Why you keep looking for what’s wrong with the relationship
By Orit Krug | August 3rd, 2021
Let’s talk about why you keep looking for what’s wrong in your relationship.
It’s not like you’re ALWAYS looking for what’s wrong in your relationship, right?
One day you’re totally in love with your partner, thinking how perfect they are for you, and how you’re going to be together forever.
Then the next day, you’re plagued with thoughts like, “I don’t know if this is going to work out” as you point out all the things that they’re not doing right.
Maybe they didn’t text you exactly when you wanted them to.
Or they didn’t say, “I love you” FIRST in 4 days (not that you’re counting, right?)
This dramatic rollercoaster is a strong indication that you have old trauma unresolved in your body.
Old trauma makes you question anything that is potentially hurtful to you.
By nature, relationships are potentially hurtful. Sharing your heart with a partner is an emotional risk. Even in a healthy, stable relationship.
With old trauma trapped in your body, the tiniest risks can feel like death threats.
You know in your mind that it’s not a huge deal your partner didn’t text you back on time. You may even come up with a practical explanation. Maybe they got stuck at work or lost service on the train.
But your body isn’t rational. In the 20 minutes that you didn’t hear from them, you experience so much anxiety, it feels like your life is in danger.
This is your old trauma hijacking your body, your emotions, and the way that you relate to your partner.
That’s because your nervous system is now wired to look for all the danger signs that something is wrong in your relationship. Even when they’re not REAL danger signs.
You’re not consciously looking for what’s wrong in the relationship. Your survival system impulsively reacts at the first sign of “danger” which makes you feel unsafe to stay in your relationship.
Your nervous system operates under the belief that love is not safe.
You keep looking for what’s wrong in your relationship because it protects you from getting hurt like you did in the past.
Whether you experienced trauma in childhood, a romantic relationship, or both, you learned that it is NOT safe to give or receive love.
Even in a healthy relationship today, your survival system still picks out the tiniest pieces of “evidence” that you will not be safe with your partner.
This is also known as hypervigilance. Like an animal in the wild looking for any sign of a predator. They must pay extremely close attention to any noise, vibration, or shadow that indicates they could get eaten alive.
Now, we are civilized humans, but we are also animals who evolved from living this exact way in the wild.
When your partner forgets to pick up your favorite bag of chips at the supermarket, or looks at you a certain way that feels “off”… it feels like your relationship is no longer a safe place to be.
It’s usually one little thing that sets you off. Suddenly, it feels like you’re not going to survive your relationship. As if you’re going to be eaten in the wild.
This is NOT your fault or a reflection of your character. You cannot change the wiring of your nervous system with “positive thoughts” or affirmations. You can’t just decide that you’re going to stop looking for what’s wrong in your relationship.
You must rewire your nervous system in order to break the unhealthy pattern of looking for “signs” that your partner will hurt you.
Rewire your nervous system to feel safe, happy, and excited in your relationship.
My client Corrie used to spend hours in her head thinking about leaving her marriage.
She fantasized about running away and how things would be better if she wasn’t with her partner.
Once we began to release old trauma from her body, her brain understood the difference between her current reality and past trauma (her husband is not a monster from her past).
After she completed my Let Love In program, I asked her what changed in her marriage.
She said…“I see him again.”
“Instead of the scary version I painted of him, I can see him and all the expressions of love and devotion that he does every day.”
Before the program, she had only focused on his flaws and the ways in which he could hurt her.
But once she rewired her nervous system and took off her trauma-tinted glasses, she was hopeful and excited about their relationship.
Her entire world transformed. Actually to a point where her entire family needed to get used to this new, evolved version of Corrie.
The Corrie who wouldn’t come home and flip out immediately. It took some time to believe that her new baseline is calm, present, and affectionate.
Corrie had spent YEARS in therapy trying to work this out without success and sadly almost gave up on her relationship that she’s now so happy to be in.
You have the ability to experience this transformation too.
Get on the right path to healing trauma from your body and nervous system.
Many people spend decades and thousands of dollars in traditional therapies trying to heal their trauma. Unfortunately, even the most popular therapies are scientifically shown to be limited in accessing trauma stored in the non-verbal brain and body.
Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal from the physical body or the nervous system.
This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for so many people. They often blame themselves for being “un-healable” and decide that they’re broken.
This is NOT true!
Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing from the past, because we all have wiring and neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection, to love and openness.
My unique, scientific-backed process via Dance Therapy has helped hundreds of clients finally heal from past trauma and transform their relationship (even after decades of trying in other therapies).
You can heal too, but you need the right methodology.
Sign up for my online course (ranges from free to $20 USD) to begin a unique, body-based learning experience that will teach you:
- Science-backed education about how trauma is stored in your body and nervous system. You’ll gain an understanding why it has NOT been your fault you haven’t healed yet from past trauma.
- Gentle, guided body-based movement that is necessary for integrated healing. This is crucial if you want your mind’s intentions to match your body’s behaviors in relationships.
- An embodied approach to healing that has helped hundreds of clients break unhealthy relationship patterns and let in healthy, lasting love.
