Why do relationships fail? Plus, 3 strategies to make sure yours doesn’t.
By Orit Krug | February 1st, 2022
People mostly assume relationships fail because of incompatibility, but that’s not the full answer.
Relationships often fail because one or more partners have too much unresolved trauma that prevents them from creating a healthy, lasting connection. Even through normal conflicts and differences.
Unless you and your partner have wildly different moral values, you can attribute most common relationship issues to old trauma.
Let’s dig a little deeper now to see if past trauma is causing your relationship(s) to fail.
Past trauma usually creates major cracks in any relationship’s foundation.
Most people in this world have experienced some type of relationship trauma at least once in their lives.
Some may never realize it. Trauma isn’t always as obvious as an abusive relationship, or an incident of sexual assault.
Trauma can also happen in the sneakiest ways.
Neglect can happen if you’re a child among many siblings and you didn’t get the amount of attention you felt you deserved.
Emotional abandonment can happen as an infant when you’re screaming for your parents but they’re too burnt out to respond.
You could’ve grown up in a perfectly loving childhood home, but got bullied in your social environments. That can be a rejection trauma.
If you’re consistently having relationship problems and you can’t seem to figure out why, it’s safe to assume that you’ve experienced trauma.
Trauma is the most common underlying reason why it’s so difficult for people to stay in such intimate connection and relationships.
How unresolved trauma impacts our ability to have successful relationships.
Trauma creates a major negative impact on your nervous system functioning.
See, our nervous system is designed to keep us alive and protect us from danger. You can think of it as your inner-alarm system.
After a traumatic event, your inner alarm system becomes WAY more sensitive. Interactions and situations that used to feel safe, now feel threatening. It’s like a broken house alarm that gets triggered even when there is no threat of an intruder.
When your nervous system is this hypervigilant, it makes it near impossible to sustain a healthy relationship, because NOTHING feels safe.
This is why so many relationships fail.
When your partner is stressed after a long day of work and gets quiet, you may impulsively perceive this as a threat of abandonment.
When you need space from your partner in order to have independent self-care time, your partner may react as if you don’t really love them.
These stories aren’t true. But they feel VERY real to your nervous system and body because your brain on trauma cannot distinguish past events from current reality.
Unresolved past trauma makes relationships feel SO hard. It can be hard to believe that relationships can truly be easy and bring you such deep, incredible joy.
Is your relationship failing?
Perhaps you’ve nodded your head a few times through this blog. You recognize that you often feel scared that your partner will leave. Maybe you’re always pointing out what’s wrong with the relationship. You know that you both overreact and things become uglier than they need to be.
Does this mean that your relationship is failing?
Not necessarily!
Ok, yes, things get ugly sometimes. You experience cycles of feeling really good together and then it all falls apart. You’ve thought many times about ending things. You’ve probably even suggested it out loud.
But unless you’re in an unhealthy, toxic, or abusive relationship, you may want to reconsider if this is actually the end
Not sure if your relationship is healthy or unhealthy? Try this free meditation to learn the truth.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve already done couples counseling, conflict resolution techniques, etc. Most of these approaches are actually surface level and don’t address the trauma being stored in your nervous systems and bodies.
You can change the script of how you speak to each other but the underlying trauma will continue to hijack your relationship and ability to communicate calmly, if you don’t shift the way you’re non-verbally interacting.
What does this mean?
Well, for example, you may approach your partner with nicer words and a calmer tone, but your body language is still aggressive and saying, “Don’t f*ck with me!”
Or you may hear your partner saying different words, but you’re still perceiving them in the same exact way – a person who will inevitably hurt you. So you keep your guard up and nothing ever changes.
Please don’t assume your relationship is failing even if you’re having the same problems over again.
Try my suggestions first to get much deeper clarity and insight if you can save your relationship and make it better than ever before.
3 simple strategies to try before you call it quits.
1. Communicate without words FIRST.
So many couples are stuck in the same patterns because they’re running the same scripts over and over. They communicate to each other with the same or similar words. Meanwhile, they remain disconnected from their bodies and nothing changes.
This is important because the mind is filled with so many defenses and filters. It doesn’t matter how much mindset work you’ve done. As human beings, we will always have a filter on what we verbally say, because we have the ability to pick and choose our words.
If you try communicating to your partner without words, it instantly changes the entire dynamic.
You’ll be able to see each other much more clearly without the filler & noise of words. You’ll see each other’s body language and facial expression much more clearly. This gives you SPACE to mirror, attune, and match each other in a way that makes you both feel more seen than ever before.
This strategy took my clients’ Gina & Sam’s relationship to a whole new level. They constantly missed each other even though they often communicated their needs. Through my Deeper Love couples program, they instantly felt a much deeper connection by moving together and interacting non-verbally before having a verbal exchange.
This was so powerful for them that they made this their baseline strategy whenever they reconnected after being apart. First movement, then words.
You don’t need to be in my program to try this out too. Make an agreement to spend the first 5 minutes of each day (or when you see each other after work) without words, and mirror each other’s movements. See what difference it makes when you meet in this new way!
2. Reposition your bodies.
You may not realize it, but you probably position your bodies in the same or similar way each time you have an important discussion. One of you may always stand up while the other sits down. Or you stand really close to each other. Maybe too close.
My client Brigid, who did my Let Love In program, tried something different in her marriage that helped her to stop freezing whenever they had a serious conversation. She began to stand across the kitchen counter. The distance, and barrier between them, helped calm down her nervous system.
Even though her husband was never abusive to her, her past trauma made her believe that he could be at any moment. So having a physical barrier between them helped her stay present and calm until she developed her own ability to trust that her relationship was safe.
How can you change your position when you have a serious talk with your partner? Does it help to sit side-by-side in the car? Do you need to be on the same height level? Experiment with what feels good for you both and see how it changes your ability to communicate in a healthier way.
3. Change up the scenery.
It’s helpful to do as much as possible to keep your nervous system regulated when you feel upset or anxious in your relationship.
Try taking a walk together outside when you have a serious talk. Light some candles and dim the lights before expressing a vulnerable need. Put on some relaxing music that makes you both feel more calm and light.
And please, try not bring up something serious when you’re angry. You’ll get much better results once you’re truly calm.
The most important factor in preventing your relationship from failing.
The strategies above may be enough to make a huge difference in your relationship.
However, they won’t help you if your nervous system and body are SO reactive that you can’t realistically put any of them into practice.
Get on the right path to healing trauma from your body and nervous system.
Many people spend decades and thousands of dollars in traditional therapies trying to heal their trauma. Unfortunately, even the most popular therapies are scientifically shown to be limited in accessing trauma stored in the non-verbal brain and body.
Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal from the physical body or the nervous system.
This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for so many people. They often blame themselves for being “un-healable” and decide that they’re broken.
This is NOT true!
Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing from the past, because we all have wiring and neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection, to love and openness.
My unique, scientific-backed process via Dance Therapy has helped hundreds of clients finally heal from past trauma and transform their relationship (even after decades of trying in other therapies).
You can heal too, but you need the right methodology.
Sign up for my online course (ranges from free to $20 USD) to begin a unique, body-based learning experience that will teach you:
- Science-backed education about how trauma is stored in your body and nervous system. You’ll gain an understanding why it has NOT been your fault you haven’t healed yet from past trauma.
- Gentle, guided body-based movement that is necessary for integrated healing. This is crucial if you want your mind’s intentions to match your body’s behaviors in relationships.
- An embodied approach to healing that has helped hundreds of clients break unhealthy relationship patterns and let in healthy, lasting love.
