3 common causes of intimacy avoidance in a relationship
By Orit Krug | July 27th, 2021
Intimacy avoidance can happen even in a healthy, loving relationship.
Let’s talk about why intimacy avoidance is happening in your relationship and how to know if you’re creating distance due to past trauma:
1. You’ve been hurt in the past.
Your unresolved trauma of abandonment and rejection creates a story in your body and nervous system that all closeness and intimacy end in hurt.
It feels too scary to risk more rejection and let your guard down, and that makes it “safer” to avoid intimacy.
You truly have to be vulnerable to initiate sexual, emotional, and physical intimacy. If you’re stuck in a self-protective state, then you’ll experience too much anxiety just thinking about this risk.
You may also think about initiating a sexy text or reaching out for a hug. But because your body is so frozen in the old trauma, you remain stuck in not taking any action.
This isn’t your fault. It’s what commonly happens when trauma is stored in the body, which leads us to reason #2.
2. You have a fear of rejection.
If your fear of rejection stems from trauma, then your nervous system is now wired to look for every potential danger sign that you could get hurt.
Let’s say your partner leaves their socks on the floor and hasn’t picked them up in 3 days. You asked them multiple times, but they haven’t listened.
Feeling utterly wounded, you think:
“WHY? Why don’t they care about my needs? Why doesn’t ANYONE love me?”
You totally blow it out of proportion in a very intense and quick way.
This is how you know that your old trauma is being triggered. It’s the littlest things cause a deep wounded feeling of rejection.
Maybe your mind knows that you’re overreacting, but your body feels like giving up and collapsing. This can make you feel like you don’t have the emotional strength to risk intimacy. Hence, it feels best to just avoid it.
3. You and your partner aren’t always on the same page.
In the beginning of my relationship with Aaron–before I healed my trauma–I avoided sexual intimacy.
He wanted to do the deed at night and I preferred it in the morning when I was more energized and awake.
I often tried to make a move after breakfast, but he repeatedly said no (I later learned that he doesn’t feel sexy with a full belly, ha!).
I immediately made up a lot of stories in my head like, “Why doesn’t he love me?”
“Is he more attracted to someone else? WAIT, IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE?”
It was so triggering for me that I stopped initiating sex for a while.
After I healed my trauma, I could actually have a healthy conversation about this instead of assuming the worst.
We still have our different needs for intimacy.
Even now, there are times when I just want to cuddle with him and he says he wants his own space. Or he’s too sweaty to be touching.
Back in the day, I was heartbroken over it. I always suspected that he was lying to cover up why he doesn’t really want me.
Now that I’ve taken off my trauma-tinted glasses, I can finally see him and his needs. I have no resentment when his needs are different than mine. It’s not personal.
When you and your partner aren’t on the same page, what are the stories you create about it? Are they too painful? Is it easier to just give up trying?
Intimacy avoidance is easier than dealing with the old trauma.
It’s common for old trauma to resurface when you and your partner have different preferences for intimacy. This makes your nervous system automatically go into self-protection mode to prevent getting hurt like you did in the past.
However, this “protection” is self-sabotaging and leads to intimacy avoidance. Inevitably, you will get hurt again because of the distance you’re creating in your relationship today.
In order to truly rewire your nervous system, break patterns of avoidance and ENJOY intimacy, you have to do this healing work through your body and movement.
Get on the right path to healing trauma from your body and nervous system.
Many people spend decades and thousands of dollars in traditional therapies trying to heal their trauma. Unfortunately, even the most popular therapies are scientifically shown to be limited in accessing trauma stored in the non-verbal brain and body.
Even alternative approaches, such as EMDR and Brain Mapping, are often not enough to fully heal from the physical body or the nervous system.
This makes trauma healing a very frustrating journey for so many people. They often blame themselves for being “un-healable” and decide that they’re broken.
This is NOT true!
Every human being is 100% neurophysiologically capable of healing from the past, because we all have wiring and neural pathways that can be rewired from fear and overprotection, to love and openness.
My unique, scientific-backed process via Dance Therapy has helped hundreds of clients finally heal from past trauma and transform their relationship (even after decades of trying in other therapies).
You can heal too, but you need the right methodology.
Sign up for my online course (ranges from free to $20 USD) to begin a unique, body-based learning experience that will teach you:
- Science-backed education about how trauma is stored in your body and nervous system. You’ll gain an understanding why it has NOT been your fault you haven’t healed yet from past trauma.
- Gentle, guided body-based movement that is necessary for integrated healing. This is crucial if you want your mind’s intentions to match your body’s behaviors in relationships.
- An embodied approach to healing that has helped hundreds of clients break unhealthy relationship patterns and let in healthy, lasting love.
